Paradox

Originally posted a version of this on MySpace back in December 06 (I think), edited it for current-day applicability and now will share.


There seems to be a bit of an odd conflict within the "me" that a lot of you know, at times the way I do one thing seems to be directly in the face of how I intend to, or WANT to do some things. Not to the point of hypocrisy, but definitely to the point of extreme paradox, I would call it. I don't do things the way I do as a vehicle to being at internal conflict with myself or external conflict with others, but that just seems to be the way shit goes down sometimes. I have decided to compile some of the things that have come to mind and, as things usually are with me, this list is in no particular order of occurrence or importance:

- I don't often use the N-word on a regular basis unless in jest with friends, or talking ABOUT the word.
… but I can say the word "coon" with reckless lack of attention to who is in earshot.

- I am very much a stickler for punctuality, my version of "on time" generally means 15-20 minutes or more EARLY
... but I have this nasty habit of forgetting or becoming busy doing OTHER leisure shit when it comes to commitment to some things.

- Don't smoke ANYTHING, nor have I eaten red meat since about the last part of 1999.
… yet I sometimes nurse up to a beer or 5, whilst doing whatever else I choose to do with my days. Oh, and I DESPISE "yo dread, where the weed at?" because I USUALLY know the answer.

- I live with this feeling that 80% or more of the people that we meet on the internet, whether or not we ever actually meet in public, run a distinct chance of being absolutely full of shit.
… yet I spend countless hours in front of this FUCKING keyboard every day.

- I own a book titled "The Philosophy and Opinion of Marcus Garvey"
… and one named "Ego Trip's Big Book of Racism"

- I own over 800 physical CDs and have ALWAYS tried to work music into my monthly budget -- well, I did before the industry started to suck ass...
… the computer houses over 2100 albums, totalling OVER 84 days of music, a lot of which is "ask me no questions and I tell you no lies" in the very nature of it's acquisition.

- I can't stand the nature of how southern music trends leads people outside of the region to think of ANYONE trying to do ANYTHING music-wise down south as less than intelligent, or downright uncouth.
… but DAMN, did you SEE that chick the Petey Pablo video?!!? (Esther Baxter, work that Google-Fu, gentlemen)

- I am the smartest, most clever, most humble motherfucker that you OR I know.
... read the above sentence again... then again

- I become easily frustrated with people who ask for help with things that I find easy.
... I REFUSE to try new shit without a tutorial of some sort, even if it is my own research.

- I make no specific claims to be into any particular "type" of girl, based upon aesthetics or presentation.
... every "girlfriend" I have ever had prior to Katie has been 5'4" or shorter and "light-skinnded," as it were, I am 30. Katie is my height and brown like me, lol.

- Hopelessly loyal friend and secure confidant, open to offer my assistance and/or opinion when solicited for it. My loyalty and trust are hard to gain, but LETHAL to betray.
... I don't SEEK that from a soul, I reach out when i can't make it happen for myself.

- I had a million jokes when Ronald Reagan, the Pope, Ray Charles and Terri Schiavo died.
... yet my pensive ass thought myself damn near to tears when Johnny Cochran died.

- I have this surgically meticulous attention to details and memory, even as it relates to things that won't matter in the morning.
... what were we just talking about just now?

- I love my brother and sister's children, how they allow me the time to behave as if I have children of my own, ask anyone who has seen Nicholas and I together.
... "Okay, little buddy... time to go home to your mama"

- Creativity? Read some of my previous blogs if you need information to substantiate.
... PLEASE don't press me or try to WATCH me work unless you are an active member of the creation being birthed, I just can't do it.

- Speaking in front of people? Well spoken, I don't end sentences with "at," I stop listening to people as SOON as I hear the word "conversate," apparently when I am excited enough about a conversation to start talking loud, it is more and more entertaining to anyone listening.
... keep that group as small as possible, please.

- Quick learner, patient enough to repeat something time after time after time, to the point that I feel I am comfortable with it.
... that patience ends with me doing what I do. Don't expect me to have that kind of patience with you if it takes YOU longer than me, I am a shitty teacher.

- Polar opposite of a "neat freak."
... ask me where ANYTHING in it is, the most obscure item at that, and I will directly to it, to the MILLIMETER.

- "Introverted extroversion," everyone that knows me knows me. New people have a hard time getting in.
... I can actually carry a conversation with a perfect stranger in a bookstore. ESPECIALLY if she is 5'4" or shorter and "lightskinnded."

- I can tell someone things how I HATE "Flavor of Love" because of my understanding and discipleship of hip hop music.
... I CAN NOT QUIT FUCKING WATCHING IT.

- I can name my 5 favorite authors within 38 seconds of being questioned for it.
... my favorite 5 porn stars too.




... the fact of the matter, people, is that I could probably do this shit all day. Would this help ANYONE to the "me" that I am when compared to the "me" that I am willing to give the universe. I can name some people that know me, one was born 10 minutes after me, one gave birth to us, one has been my best friend a long time, we have known one another since 1994... To a lesser extent are the people who are "friends of family," who can say that they know how I came up, most can recognize just how distant I am. Most know not to bother to try and figure it out, simply just to enjoy the ride.
Is this internal conflict the item that makes us human? I am smart enough, yet humble enough at the same time to say "I don't fuckin' know," but hope to find out sometime... In the meantime, I take it as my personal assignment to be as sincere an individual that I can be. I understand that some actions will fall directly in the face of one another and that some people will simply be hurt as a result. I am understanding enough, as well, to place those things in God's hands and let things fall where they will. Will I lose friends? Yes, done that before -- recently even... Will I gain friends? Hell yes... Will I blow money on things I probably shouldn't, yet will have the world's most unimaginable blast doing so? Look back to "ages 18-23," and I would do it the same way again, the ONE possible exception. As I look back over it all, though, I would not be where I am if not for where I had been, so that "possible" exception is not a probable one right now.

What I have learned in the last 30 years can be summed up by:

"Live it to the limit, learn the line and try not to cross it. Take the chance, as it hurts worse to wonder 'why not?' than it does to wonder 'why,' as the 'why' usually has some fundamental reasoning that can be corrected/forgotten, or at the very least, learned from. Any love held inside, let them see, none of it will mean SHIT when they're gone. Keep an open mind, a closed mouth and finely trained ears. Search 3 times, then once more, then ask, you look like less of an ass that way. Understand the difference in the meanings of 'loving someone' and 'being IN LOVE with someone,' such a discernation can make the difference between sport sex and a broken heart. "

Is that lesson long? Hell yes it is. Every morning I wake up, I thank God for the open access to another chance at more of a chance to view the world, learning from my successes and MORE from my failures.
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