Wile E Coyote is a dumb motherfucker

Originally posted to MySpace September 2007


Know that my normal set of rules apply, if it LOOKS like a link, then it is, it will not open in a new window/tab (browser dependent) unless you tell it to, right-click and make it do that so you don't lose your place...
Now let us get down to business...

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Wile E. Coyote is a STUPID motherfucker, possessing apparently more money than common sense...

Yeah, this seems off-base for what I am normally willing to take ahold of, but I think of odd things while I am in the shower, since the water pressure, compared to the size of the hot water heater in this house, does not allow me time to jerk off while in the shower like a similarly distracted mind might. Oh well, I have been more random, so why not let me have a little bit of fun, here.

Wile E. (Etherbert, if you were unaware) Coyote JUST might be the dumbest motherfucker on planet universe. I mean, it seems that his one predilection in this world was the acquisition of "Roadrunner," a bird based on the Greater RoadRunner, a bird that grows to about 22 inches or so in length, making it generally smaller than a standard chicken (more on that later in this presentation).

Down through the years, we have seen Wile E. Coyote make attempts to catch The Roadrunner using such means as:

- Rocket-powered roller skates.

- Strapping on a set of wings and attempting to flap them to acheive flight.

- Shooting himself from cannons of varying size/caliber.

- A rocket sled

- Various explosives, and their corresponding detonators.

- A giant rubber band, used to shoot ones' self from a tree, co-opted as a huge slingshot of sorts.

- A jet-propelled Pogo Stick

- A DIFFERENT giant rubber band, simply to be used to TRIP The Roadrunner.

- Birdseed, left in various places where the Roadrunner would be run over whilst enjoying.

- A do-it-yourself tornado kit.

- A female Roadrunner costume

- Flypaper.

- A giant kite, used also for flight when the wings failed.

- Glue (same concept as flypaper, but apparently the tack would make it less effective).

- Grease for the road surface.

- The "Indestructo Steel Ball," which was an allegedly indestructible sphere.

- "Invisible Paint," which renders one invisble to all that may view you.

- A jet-powered unicycle

- Roller Skis (because there ain't no snow in the desert)

This is completely not to mention the hyperbolic methods in which these items were employed... Without fail, the plan was to acheive some level of speed compared to that of The Roadrunner, whether that mean speeding himself up or slowing the bird down, or just fuckin' stopping him in his tracks altogether. All of this, however, completely ignores the fact that the bird, on foot, can still only acheive a footspeed of about 15-20 miles per hour, easily attainable by less extravagant means, if one were (very wrongly) assuming that a coyote just can't already move 3 times that fast themselves already.

Many theories exist as to just how the coyote acquired these items, ranging from the far fetched notions of him being an already-wealthy businessman, to his being an EMPLOYEE of ACME, to his being a Beta Tester for ACME (which would explain the alarming rate of failure of the products, if nothing else), all the way down to the fact that ACME; American Company that Makes Everything has provided him with a credit line that simply allows him the continued collection of their shoddily produced and tragically ineffective products, with no mind on their alarming failure rate. Perhaps his continued support of a company with such a shitty quality assurance standard speaks directly to just how desparate he may or may not have been, as it relates to the capturing and, one would assume, consume our pal, The Roadrunner.

In Wile E. Coyote, I see someone who possesses at LEAST the brain power to devise (even if they're half-witted) plans to capture a bird that has about a third of his own species' footspeed. He often employs weapons that SHOULD be available only to military installations. These items are just a step below, or possibly just beyond, what one may call a warhead. He has shown the prowess to be able to assemble these items as instructed by their manufacturer, a feat many humans cannot do with a fuckin' vacuum cleaner, let alone a jet-propelled pogo stick. Furthermore, he also possess the means of PAYING for all of this stuff, be it through employment through the manufacturer, a tester's contract or through a superior enough credit rating which prefaces their allowance of tens (or possibly hundreds in 2007 dollars) of thousands of dollars worth of their products to him on credit, with all established history showing that he WILL destroy the merchandise and himself... Here, we have an individual who defies not only human, but cartoon physics in some of the contortion that he has acheived and is NEVER questioned by the local, state or federal government about his possession of the weaponry that would see that he NEVER gets on on a plane in the US these days, nevermind that he has not taken ONE charge for the amount of public, private, protected and historic property that he has managed to single-handedly demolish time and again.

The funniest thing, though, about this all is that he NEVER caught that fuckin' bird. Even funnier is that the Greater Roadrunner, as a species, is a "large" bird, but I revisit that it is smaller than a chicken, therefore definitely producing less useable/consumable meat, no? Harland Sanders founded KFC in 1952, four short (and one would infer, hungry) years after Wile Etherbert Coyote began his, to this day fruitless, quest to capture The Roadrunner, over this time spending what I might estimate as half a million dollars for weapons/devices which never showed themselves to accomplish the very feat their purchase was intended to lend ease to, even if their employment never amounted to any more usefulness than that of Rube Goldberg Machine. I find this quite ironic. I find it more ironic that, as of 2003, there was an estimated world population of more than 24 billion chickens, which are domesticated for the food that they and their eggs become, as well as the wild varieties that I would never eat, and chickens can and have lived and thrived in virtually ANY environment where they've been able to find/be given even a little bit of food. I was not able to locate any specific population numbers of any of the species of Roadrunner, but given that they seem to be indigenous to the Central/Southwestern states and Mexico areas, I am willing to bet $100 against a bucket of shit that there are FAR fewer of them to be consumed then there are chickens, even in areas where roadrunners are native, no?

If all else fails, and in this fantasy cartoon world where a coyote can potentially hold a job and acquire what the Bush administration would classify as "weapons of mass destruction," thusly classifying him as a terrorist, why the fuck would he NOT just saunter into KFC and pay for the 2-piece breast and wing meal like I did this afternoon on my lunch break? For that kind of money, wouldn't common sense serve that it could be better spent without an overt expenditure of effort/energy and with the number of lumps taken in pursuit whittled down to zero? Shit, with the money he spent on all that stuff, he could eat at KFC every meal every day for the rest of his life and still be okay.

For all his abilities and species-redefining accomplishments, Wile E. Coyote is a STUPID motherfucker and I do not believe his claims of an IQ of 207, and until I see some certification to refute what his actions have shown, I stand fast.

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