Life, love, hip hop, humor AND instructions on how to cook a bangin'-ass meal... all in one place. I put the words here, make what you want of them.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

2009, let's shut this motherf*cker down

You know what? 2009 has been an all around not-so-great year, but I am thankful to have made it to the other side in a better position to take on the next than that which I entered this one in.
I came into the year still mad at the world with the NC Dept. of Revenue up my ass with quite an amount of time ahead of me at the time of that posting before I would see it resolved.
It was apparently obvious that I was right and they were wrong, I was just apparently in wait for something to take place, evidenced by my very next post. Yes, resolution had taken place in between my phonecall and posts, putting me in a better place, in that my wages were no longer being garnished and that I would be getting a decent amount of cash back for my troubles. I would begin receiving that right in time for my annual Atlanta trip at the end of April/early May. A weekend of motherfucking monsoons and a clear picture of what a breaking/broken phone (Murph's, not mine) can do to take what is consistently a great time and make it only good. Oh well, we'll get em next time.

At the end of last and over the course of this year, I rediscovered my addiction for model cars, as is clearly documented in these pages. I also fell into a deep deep rabbit hole that serves it that I now own over 900 Rubber Duckies, with which I will be doing something in the coming months...
Following the events of the summer (more on that in a minute), both of those items are now in storage, but the unit should be in my driveway to be pilfered for all my shit within the week, so the "later" on that will actually be "sooner" than when I even started typing this post.

Whereas on my MySpace blog, I often wrote stories to tell my shit. I described those stories as "faction," where what happened was treated with a liberal amount of creativity to make an amusing story of them, now I have the access to where I can work on my posts in real time while I am doing something else here in the office, as right now. That being said, that is how I could have been "on blogger since December 2008, with nary a post until February." I have all but abandoned MySpace, since I have no redeeming reasons to be there, since the people I actually talk to will either text or email me if not interaction on FaceBook, which I finallu succumbed to on one morning back in July.

Did a lot of cooking with my "in the kitchen" series, and I assure you that I am collecting recipes and creative ideas for more to come.
[Hint - I now have a new Foreman grill and will be using it as my means of not cooking so damned much when I do, since only 2 people live in my house]
I sprinkled the posts with my opinion here and there, leaving room for a lot of silliness on the in between. Picked up some readers through my interactions with posters on the XXLMag comments sections (Tony Grand$, Jamal7Mile and Federal Ranger, along with those I have not interacted with or who are reading without commenting), as well as friends of friends.

The Lakers finally got another ring.

I did a lot of riding out with the cameras.

Over the summer, had to vacate the house I was renting, then I would have to play intermediary between my mother and her mother for 2 weeks or so.
While in the house, the seeds were planted in my mind for my most epic series ever, which I just closed out this week. I settled into the middle room, made a plan and then moved into my own shit with The Katie. No sooner than 4 nights in the house, crazy shit starts. With a new plan, new place and newfound creativity, I settled into my most busy period of posting, and it is apparent by the number of comments, even though still not RIDICULOUS compared to what I often see elsewhere, that it has been well-received.
Everyone should remember the epic post on the subject at large.

Automotive pr0ns became a new thing for my fellow automotive nerds.
Aeromotive pr0ns became the same for those into planes.

I am not everything to every person who comes across my blog, but I am the same jerk to all of them, friend or foe, even if I have not specifically called someone a foe (here's looking at you Anonymous).
This year has seen us lose Michael Jackson, Walter Cronkite, Chris Henry, Rihanna's face, Chris Brown's innocence (Tiger Woods' too!), Patrick Swayze, Farrah Fawcette, Billy Mays, Mr. Magic and many more that I just can't remember as I type this. We saw the popularization of the phrase "I'm happy for you, and I'ma let you finish..." and I was waiting to have an opinion on some of it, even if not enough to go in on a full post.

Went on my first real vacation in 2 years and had an epic great time.

As far as "years" go, we don't exactly sit at the end of the end of the year and expound on the virtues of the year we're currently in, normally beyond to sum it up. Looking at what I love, being women, music, cars and movies, this year gets a 50%... I am with the woman I want to be with, as I was at the outset of the year and about 3 months before it. I have come to hate 83% of music released this year and I took in some REALLY good movies, with Transformers II being my only real thumbs downer.

Movie of the year (of what I saw/will see before tomorrow)?
Sherlock Holmes.

Album of the year?
Slaughterhouse - Slaughterhouse

Disappointment of the year - TIE! Michael Jackson's dying and Kanye West's continued existence.

Comeback of the year?
Eminem, and that is not saying much, considering he took some balls in the face to make a circus around his release.

Flop of the year?
Asher Roth, and I couldn't be happier!

Pop culture whore?
Yes, I am!

Automotive nut?

Evil genius?

People watcher?
Every time I walk out the house!

At the end of it all, the worst of the events of 2009 cast a gray shadow of the best of them to a point... I can still say I am happy though. I got my house, I have my job, my woman and my good health and the bills are paid. I won't kill anyone with the oft-repeated "I'ma make 2010 my year," as alls I NEED to do is make it to the other side in as good shape as I am in right now, so no need to beat you to death with bullshit, I am convinced of what is ahead of me without having to lie to myself.
[Phlip note - if you find yourself in this post from Facebook and you can identify that as a recently posted status, then I am talking to you and anyone who might use it]

As far as my posting goes, I gave you all 203 drops this year not including this one, and while that still pales in comparison to the 5 writing over there at Witches Brew, one must understand that that is just not my style, I talk about what I talk about. I have given several links above covering links to posts/groups of posts about what was specifically mentioned in the above to give context. All are internal to my blog except the one to MySpace.
Now if you all will excuse me, I need to go continue to stew over the fact that my mother did not get me the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator and the fact that NONE of you motherfuckers came Kwanzaa Caroling with me.
I will see you all in 2010.
Happy new years, all.
Skillz will take us out with the 09 Rap-Up

Monday, December 28, 2009

2009 in hip hop review.

Okay, following the advice of a few of my readers and my own idea presented for solicitation of such advice, I waited until year's end (or until the last Tuesday of the month year, so no more music is releasing) and I will NOW make my 2009 post for the time capsule that is the internets...
Let us understand that by the time you read this, 10 of the 12 months' releases will have been filled in, but as I TYPE this, I am expecting the ugliest of clusterfucks. I base this SOLELY on what I recall having been released to this point in the year (10/26/2009, 8:42am EST). To be totally honest, I am describable as angered right now just thinking about it, but I will let it ride. I committed to the project, so I will do it to completion.

We get the not-so-good-soundtrack to a not-so-good movie, Notorious. I won't even get into why I didn't see the movie, but know that it has a lot to do with the fact that it featured people portraying people who were NOT dead in the movie. Could these mofos not show up and act as themselves?
Wait, I guess I DID get into it, but that has nothing to do with this list, so let me stop.

OJ Da Juiceman (AYE!!!) FURTHER ruined the month with The Otha Side of the Trap.
Damn, this does not look good, not even a little bit.

The Lonely Island surprises us with the hilariously entertaining Incredibad, and Joe Budden releases Padded Room, which was not bad at all as we ramped up to Slaughterhouse. On the same day came Project Pat's Real Recognize Real and Grandmaster Flash with The Bridge - Concept of a Culture.

Lil Romeo released Get Low, two weeks later Gorilla Zoe released Don't Feed the Animals [a title I will take as metaphoric to "don't buy this shit"] and Capone N Noreaga released Channel 10, which I downloaded and listened to one time if that, I think.
One week after that gave us Jim Jones' Pray IV Reign, Not very Slim not quite a Thug dropped Boss of All Bosses and Hell Rell released Get in Line or Get Lined Up.
The month closed on releases from Bow Wow, with New Jack City II, Flo Rida with Kill Da Wabbit R.O.O.T.S. and UGK with UGK 4 Life. I am not going to pretend that the UGK album was exactly that good just because Pimp C is dead and we won't get any more albums out of them... It was DECENT, but not great. This whole month was not good in the very least.

Classified failed to explain why we should care about Self Explanatory and it failed to chart, while Jadakiss released The Last Kiss and the only reason I remember anything about it is because of my seething hatred of the single with Swizz Keys Beatz and OJ Da Juiceman, in which Juice admits to being s "flamer," which I am to understand is an increasing problem down in Atlanta. Also dropping on that day was Mims' Guilt.
Next came Asher Roth's overhyped Asleep in the Bread Aisle, which I CHEERED the flop of and Rick Ross' Deeper Than Rap, which I never even bothered listening to -- downloaded it, burned copies to give to Preston and Phillip, and deleted it. Typing that last sentence has reminded me to send that Asher Roth to the recycle bin as well.
The month closed on Hell Rell's Hard as Hell, Mike Jones' The Voice and Tech N9ne's Sickology 101.
Another phail month.

Starts with Skull Gang's Skull Gang, DJ Paul's Scale-A-Thon and Gucci Mane's Murder Was the Case. Hear those crickets chirping?
The chirping got louder with Cam'ron releasing Crime Pays, Haystack's The Natural II and Paul Wall's Fast Life. More crickets.
The monotony was broken the next week with Eminem's Relapse, Busta Rhymes' Back on my BS, Guru's Guru 8.0: Lost and Found and Method Man & Redman's Blackout II, but undermining that were releases from Sheek Louch with Live on D-Block, Freeway with Philadelphia Freeway 2 and DJ Drama's Gangsta Grillz: The Album (Vol. 2)
Lil Flip and Gudda Gudda released Certified, which surprisingly failed to chart.
[Phlip note - who said you can't read sarcasm into internets postings?]
14 releases, 1 purchase and 2 downloads, one of which was deleted... Phail.

Things are looking up as the month started on J Dilla's Jay Stay Paid and AZ's Legendary, one of which I purchased to make sure Dilla's mama is correctly compensated, and one which I downloaded and actually kept and still listen to sometimes.
Breaking the tone were D-Block's No Security and Pastor Troy's Ready for War.
Now there was a time where I liked Pastor Troy, but that is surely in the past now.
Someone named Busdriver released Jhelli Beam and the crickets were back.
Mos Def dropped the disappointing The Ecstatic and Kurupt & DJ Quik also released Blaqout on this date as well, which only earned my attention because Quik was involved... I still have the downloaded copy.
One week later, 2Pac weed/urn carrier Outlawz member Hussein Fatal releases Born Legendary but neglects to mention on what planet his legend was confirmed, so his album did not chart. Also released that day was L.E.G.A.C.Y.'s Suicide Music, which I listened to on my way to work this morning (10/26/2009) and happen to LOVE, Juicy J's Hustle Til I Die and Street Sweepers Social Club released Street Sweepers Social Club.
After that came releases from Fast Life Yungstaz zestily-titled Jamboree, Willie Northpole's Tha Connect, dead prez & DJ Green Lantern's Pulse of the People, Soul Assassins' Intermission, Grand Puba's Retroactive, U-God''s Dopium and Sa-Ra Creative Partners' Nuclear Evolution: The Age of Love for one day that saw ONE album chart. The fact that the album includes a song called "Swag Surfin" is depressing until one considers that Def Jam likely bought several of them themselves.
The month closed on Maino's If Tomorrow Comes... I will slap the shit out of Young Berg again and Ace Hood's Ruthless.

The Alchemist drops Chemical Warfare and Gucci Mane (who looks like he stinks) released Writing on the Wall on the same day, followed by Krizz Kaliko's (who?) Genius, La Coka Nostra's A Brand You Can Trust, Twista's Category F5 and Yukmouth's The West Coast Don.
The month closed on Fabolous with Loso's Way and Lord Infamous, T-Rock & II Tone's Blood Money.
I am beginning to wonder if even the artists think that this shit is actually worth the money, time and effort, seriously.

Dorrough releases Dorrough Music to start off the month.
Slaughterhouse (Joe Budden, Joell Ortiz, Crooked I and Royce Da 5'9") releases Slaughterhouse, and my opinion of hip hop in 2009 is greatly fixed. I loved it so much that I bought it and reviewed it right here on my blog.
Killer Mike closed the year with Underground Atlanta.

Big release date here, Jay-Z and Raekwon released Blueprint 3 and Only Built 4 Cuban Linx II on the same day, much to the delight of Stans the world over. Neither were GREAT albums, but both good enough for what they are.
Forgotten in the buildup was Insane Clown Posse with Bang! Boom! Pow!, a sad attempt at stealing money from the confused Black Eye Peas fans.
Forgotten in the jet wash BEHIND them were Kid Cudi with Man on the Moon: End of Day, N.O.R.E. with S.O.R.E., New Boyz with Skinny Jeanz and a Mic, Lil Boosie's Superbad: The Return of Boosie Bad Azz, Trick Daddy's Finally Famous: Born a Thug, Still a Thug and KRS-One and Buckshot's Survival Skills.
The month closed on Mack 10's Soft White, Ghostface Killah's Ghostdini: The Wizard of Poetry in Emerald City, Playaz Circle's Flight 360: The Takeoff, Warren G's The G Files and Skyzoo's The Salvation.
Damn... 14 releases, 1 purchase (Skyzoo, for the record), 4 downloads and one of those I was not expecting to like... For being such a pseudo huge month, I was less than impressed with this on the whole.

Fat Joe opens with J.O.S.E. 2 on the same day as Jim Jones and Webstar released Chicken Noodle Soup for the Coon Soul The Rooftop. No one gave a mad assfuck about either release.
Next came Kottonmouth Kings (damn, these dudes ain't dead yet?) with Hidden Stash 420 and the month closed on Triple C's release of Custom Cars & Cycles and Tech N9ne's K.O.D.
Best of October to me was Royce Da 5'9" and Street Hop, and that does little to save this month from being one enormous brick, which does not surprise me one little bitty bit.

Hell Rell releases Live from Hell and Ol' Dirty's estate handlers released Message to the Other Side, which is an unfortunately ironic title to me, given that he is ded and all. Wale released Attention: Deficit, 50 Cent FINALLY released Before I Self Destruct (but probably shouldn't have, as he focused more on creating a circus than a fucking album) and Rakim released The Seventh Seal. The month closed on Birdman's Priceless and some nobody named BlackRoc with BlackRoc, a smashingly GRIPPING title to say the least. So gripping, in fact, that I never knew who he was before researching for this post and will not EVER think of him again after typing this sentence.

Juvenile gives us Confident and Cocky, Snoop Dogg releases Malice n Wonderland much to the detriment of his own diminishing name, Timbaland released Shock Value II and no one noticed, Gucci Mane releases The State vs. Radric Davis, much to the detriment of hip hop on the whole, B.G. released Too Hood to be Hollywood, Clipse finally released Til The Casket Drops. Young Money Entertainment continued their inexplicable hold on the market with We Are Young Money and Hurricane Chris released Unleashed -- 9 months AFTER his lead single for the stupidest move of the month. On the whole, the month of December was largely forgettable.

I know this post seems early in that it comes on the 28th of December when there is one more Tuesday in the month, and nothing I found indicated that anything released on that day (tomorrow).

At the end of this all, I am chalking this up as a wholly disa-fucking-pointing year as it relates to hip hop. Here I am in a year where one of my favorite albums of the year (Slaughterhouse) is swept under the damned rug, and one of the surprisingly entertaining ones (The Lonely Island) doesn't even PRETEND to wholly be a real hip hop album with the full on backing of a viral internet spread and free promo on NBC/Saturday Night Live, but STILL didn't score a plaque... On the in-between, though? Disappointments and sorely heavy handed misses occur, much to the point where even pseudo-legends release albums and no one bothers to give a shit (Snoop Dogg anyone?).
101 releases, 17 taken in and actually kept. The saddest thing about that 16.83% is that even of the 17 I copped and kept, only (maybe) 5 of those were retail purchases.
I have taken the time to chronicle and "review," if you might, 20 years of hip hop over the course of this year, handling the 90's and now the current decade due to end in 3 days here. I say with utter clarity that 2009 was the worst year in the history of hip hop, simple as that. 2009 was a boil on hip hop's ass, and we all know how fucking annoying boils can be. A bold statement, that, I know. In the cycle of "destroy to rebuild," I am praying for something better to happen in 2010, but sadly it is not looking any better for the foreseeable future from where I can see.
Sometimes, I really do wish that I could lend more of my attention to other genres as I do or have done with hip hop, but the fact remains that one will latch and remain on that which they are most comfortable with.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

In the movies with Phlip -- Sherlock Holmes (no spoilers, I promise)

I don't know that I will be doing this every time that The Katie and I go to the movies, which it seems I have done more of this year than many before it, but I am compelled to talk about this.
I also led into an album review post I made with a similar disclaimer, but have since done another drop or 3 reviewing albums that interested me for whatever reason at the respective times. That ALMOST led to me discussing my disappointment with Alicia Keys' album last weekend.

This is not about that.

Went to see Sherlock Holmes yesterday afternoon.
Now, as a fan of Guy Richie movies and a within-the-last-few-years rediscovered fan of Robert Downey Jr. (Tropic Thunder anyone?), my hopes coming into this were quite high, and I will concede that my opinion of the film may have been swayed by such.
Look, I am a reader and a writer, very much of both, but I have NEVER read the Sherlock Holmes novels, so there is nothing to ruin here. I understand that the movie is an amalgamation of different and some non-canon elements in the name of making a movie of it, but my coming into this as a 'virgin' so to speak saves my opinion from any other influences that I might not have already named in the last paragraph.

I will easily call this my favorite movie of this year, and I will not be seeing Avatar until sometime in the new year. The movie kicks off with one of the things that I loved about it, and that would be Holmes serving one of the baddies his own ass, narrating to the viewer PRECISELY what would happen as it would so take place and why it would prove effective. This is a Guy Richie element, complete with a stop in the action at each sentence, a full summary and THEN we get a replay at full speed. Both of you likely remember this from Snatch.
The action of the initial sequence serves to draw you into the movie at the outset, and holds your attention for them to tell you a story. The story, and all of it's different elements are common and presented in their necessary order -- which is a deviation from Guy Richie's style, but we can all be thankful that he is no longer with Madonna or their may have been a severe miscarriage of this -- and still easy enough to follow without having someone to remember and feed it back to you.
It seems almost SURREAL how intuitive Holmes is and is written into his craft, where you learn before he REALLY gets to (well, back to) his major protagonist that it is sage advice to pay attention to what is happening and being said, as EACH element of the story is collected and revisited in the story. Sometimes you will be given flashbacks, but then only to things that were not initially obvious on camera, so do not rely on them.
Me? I go to a movie to watch a fucking movie, so I was paying attention.
[Phlip note - actually, as I am an asshole, I do this to look for plot holes]
Being that this is 2010 [fuck it, next week is elementary, barely matters now] and the story itself is set in 1891, the only application requiring suspension of belief is that we have to unthink a world with technology.
Everything else is wholly feasible as presented, there are no human beings catching rockets with their bare hands, stashing them inside of their assholes to smuggle them to another planet to save the natives.
[Phlip note - do I REALLY want to see Avatar?]
Anyway, the story progresses realistically, includes one fight scene and even the seemingly superhuman villain is exposed as having used LOW-tech parlor tricks to create the air of his own super power which he was using to make himself the protagonist.
[Phlip note - "smoke and mirrors, boys... welcome to the movie factory!"]
Anyway, the plots and subplots, as well as cinematography, do enough in involving the audience in the story to allow them the bonus of not looking away and fucking themselves out of a good viewing. Robert Downey Jr. has become the chameleon he has always been, but stifled on his deviation from the life course, I was apparently doing myself a disservice for joking him while he was on the low road, but he is redeemed to me, has not a strike since coming back to the limelight and is apparently deserving of his subsequent resulting successes. Jude Law plays VERY well in the role of Dr. Watson in a manner that actually gives him life that he never had in any shows or prior viewings -- or my understandings of the perceived silence from what I read ABOUT the books -- and carries it well.
True to anything Guy Richie has done before this, the humor presented is there and at times it draws a chuckle out of you for things that are not "classically" hilarious, but become such in application. Context is a beautiful creation and never more apparent is this fact than when applied to the humor of a Guy Richie creation.
What I also liked is that there was a hint--... No, fuck that, a PROMISE of a sequel, contained in an element presented within the first half of the movie, mentioned later and expounded upon at the very end. If the second movie is true to this one, then I expect no such fuckery in the production of such.
[Phlip note - I'm looking at YOU, Mr. Michael 'explody blowuppy slow-motion shit' Bay... You fucked up Transformers, motherfucker]
I look forward to that one as well, as I come into it with the rumor that Brad Pitt will be playing that villain in that one.

I would eschew the "5-star" assessment for the sake of this, but I make my own rules as it comes to these things. Since I won't be locked into the little box of having to commit to only using full stars for rating, I am giving this one a damn good 4.5 out of 5... I would see this again presented the chance to do so, and will own the DVD when made available in retail outlets.

The last movie I went to see was contained in the previews played before the one prior to it and was taken in BECAUSE of that preview... That being said, it was a bit ironic that IronMan 2 was in the previews of a movie also starring the main star of the one I was in to view. That won't be the next movie I see, though. I am pretty sure that will be The Book of Eli because Denzel Washington has been a man on fire since Training Day.
[Phlip note - heh, see what I did there?]

We're done here... We went to a matinee to see this, because we had to go get intoxicated with my siblings and cousins later on in the evening, but this is a movie that I WOULD pay the full 9 bucks to see, even if I need to do so in order to take in a second viewing, should no one come through with the bootleg.
I recommend this one, folks. GO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The focus is all wrong here

True healthcare reform needs to start with hiring people who are actually competent to be tending to peoples' health.
While I concede that getting service to people without it is important, the severe mishandling of those who DO have access to it now is motherfucking SCARY! There was once a time where being a nurse in a doctor's office or hospital was something that young girls and some boys desired to be. They went to school for it and completed their task in a decently competent manner. They were well-informed and acted as if they wanted to be helped.
Nowadays, though? It seems as if having to have a job is a part of the deal for someone's probation or parole or probation, and being a nurse or nurses aide or whatever the hell they call themselves happened to be one of those jobs that just popped up without a lot of in-between.

These days, it seems that the scourge of the industry become the patient/support-facing people in these offices.
What is to come is some real-life experiences, and I WISH I could make some of this shit up.

*Exhibit A*
"My computer is saying 'no signal detected' what does that mean"
"seems to me that your monitor is on, but the computer is not... Have you turned your computer on?"
"how do I do that?"

*Exhibit B*
"Hi, I'm calling from [doctor's name]'s office, and we're not getting our patient's results on [reporting device]"
"Okay, may I please have your account number?"
"My account number? Oh, I don't have an account number, what's that?"
"Your account that you should be sending your patients in under"
"Oh, I don't know what that even is, it's doctor [doctor's name]'s office, you see that"
[Phlip note - the company I work for services literally thousands of doctors' offices]
"Do you have a requisition or an old result that may have the account number on it?"
"Yeah, but those are in another room, I didn't think I would need one of those, I just wanted some help getting some results"

*Exhibit C*
[Phlip note - this is a call that I initiate]
"Hi, this is Phillip calling from [company] and we've been trying to get some lab results across your [reporting device] and it is not working, is there someone nearby that I could speak to about that?"
"Oh... I don't know nothing about that thing, let me get someone who might can help you."
"... okay"
"allo? Is dere some-sing I can hel' joo wiid?"

*Exhibit D*
"Hi, I am calling from a doctor's office and I am needing results on [patient], can you help me with that?"
"Sure, what's your account number?
"Oh wow, I knew you would ask for that."

*Exhibit E*
"Hi, I am needing to add a test to [patient]"
"Okay, your account number please?"
"Yes, it's xxxxxxxx"
"Patient name please"
"Yes, it's John Doe."
"I'm not seeing a John Doe under you guys' account here, was it sent by you or another doctor's office?"
"Oh, it was sent by [doctor]'s office, not us"
"Oh, we can only add additional testing for the ordering physician"
"Well we received a faxed copy of the reports, why can't we add testing"
"Because we cannot bill another account for testing you requested."
"Imagine going to a gas station, you pay at the pump, get some gas and leave, the person waiting behind you can see that you just got $37 worth of gas, and fills up then at the end of the month your credit card bill comes and you were charged for their gas. Would you be happy about this?"
[Phlip note - I didn't really say this, I usually say something a little more PC]
"We just need to add testing to it, what is the big deal?"
"You'll need to have the ordering physician call to add testing"
"We tried them first, but they weren't available"

Now, I would like for you to imagine with me an industry that is/was segmented, competition regulated out of probability (if not damn near out of POSSIBILITY) to the point where it WILL stand on it's own, whether those who prop it up financially (you, the patient) have no fucking choice but to continue with it, for better or (as usual) for worse...
Imagine that every attempt at regulation (HIPAA, anyone?) was so exploited to the favor of the providers and not those it was designed to protect that prices were driven through the roof so these incompetent facilities could "protect" themselves from lawsuits which usually come at the hands of their own fuckuppery.

[Phlip note - look into the statistics on babies born via c-section now, versus 10 years ago... That is because there is largely more money in delivering more babies than to be delivering babies the right way risking infant death in the same rush and the resulting lawsuits]

Imagine an industry so rife with incompetence seeming to be purposely positioned to confuse the shit out of the patient/customer, who will wind up financially responsible/ruined by the whole shit in the end, more often than not.
Imagine an industry where it seems that they spin a wheel in these facilities, containing the names of the most inarticulate, uninformed, ignorant or English-challenged individual working in the office, then hand them a phone and say "here, call [company] and ask for help with this," extra points if that person is still on their first day or week with the practice.

You all know something like this has happened before, right?
In my past, I and/or my family have owned automobiles from General Motors... Now I am a Nissan loyalist these days, and I am looking into ownership of a Subaru in the near future. Japanese car companies are thriving in the US market, while the domestic companies are in need of a fucking bailout.
The problem with the application of this is that if we were to allow healthcare in total to digress to the point where a bailout is necessary, a whole lot of people will have already fucking died, and I would imagine the smell that would create to be quite damned putrid, so we don't want that. That being said, the "burn the fields, pray for rain" standard which creates the need for a "bailout" in the first place will not work in this application."
One would think that instead of fighting for a public option or universal healthcare, they should be working towards fixing just how fucking broken the system is now. Why it is so acceptable to claim 'success' in a system where most patients are NOT pleased with the care they've received, but can't bitch about it because "at least I'm not dead"? That is fucking sad.
No shit, I have heard of people in Southern California and other border states who will go across the border to get a tooth pulled or a root canal in Mexico due to the lack of hassle making the lower cost of it actually worth it... Think about that for a fucking second.
When one factors in that there are people who cannot afford, but would like to at least have a try at it, to be a part of even THAT sad state of affairs is even sadder.

One would think that with the collective lives, well-being and financial health of the constituency on the line here, there would be better standards kept on who and who cannot do what in a medical practice, but the mishandling of things that fall to the responsibility of the average patient, who is more often than not NOT at fault for the fuckups that will cost them up to tens of thousands of dollars, with little to no retribution to those who are at fault is angering. Why there is nothing in place to make sure this bullshit is not taking place is even MORE angering. I am pretty sure that the money saved on a PROPER restructuring might help to ease the blow of the cost of reform, but there again, what do I know?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Crime of opportunity

A crime of opportunity is defined as a crime that is committed without planning when the perpetrator sees that they the chance to commit the act at that moment and seizes it. Such acts have little or no premeditation.
You can think of it as the high school kids who walk past someone's car warming up one morning on their way to wherever it is they were headed, and taking it out for a spin. Or perhaps the braintrust who thinks that it is fine to leave the car running while they run into the store and come outside to the need to call the police and their insurance company.
A parallel could be drawn to what precisely would happen the FIRST time I see Bob out on the streets somewhere, he will be immediately fucked the fuck up.
[Phlip note - don't sweat that last part, it is an inside joke]

Anyway, with all the Tiger Woods talk of late, there seems to be a new found interest in the phenomenon of infidelity, if such a thing could be described as a "phenomenon."
In a post of my own on the subject last week, a wise man named Tony Grands said in the comments section of the post:

Philandering is something like smoking crack. No way in hell you just picked it up the "habit" one day after work, you just got sloppy about keeping it a secret.

And I honestly couldn't agree with the man more for such a good point. I would also be inclined to add a bit of my own to it, in that it takes a crime of opportunity to plug yourself into the world of smoking crills OR fucking around on your significant other.
Need to think about this for a minute, chew on a couple questions to drive it home, then.
  • How many baseheads do YOU know who INTENDED to get hooked on that shit, compared to the ones who happened into it, thus allowing it to become a habit?
  • How many of those cars did YOU walk past on your way to school or the bus stop without hopping in and taking a spin?
  • How many times have you, in your life, walked past that running car at the gas station, but still left in your own car?
  • How many times have you seen Bob on the street without going upside his motherfucking head?
    [Phlip note - pardon me for that one]
The difference between a crime of opportunity and remaining innocent is generally a matter of personal restraint in the face of presented opportunity.
A clear-thinking individual wired to NOT do these things will not be so inclined to take advantage of certain situations such as, while someone lacking the requisite foresight to refrain may push forward.

"But Phillip, it's not the same! A man/woman has to have it in their mind that they're gonna cheat in order to do it!"
Sure, but allow me for a moment to call bullshit on that one. Nowhere did I say that there would be a wealth of random snatch hanging around everywhere you go for you to or not to insert yourself into. The situation leading TO that, though? THAT is the opportunity to or not to be acted upon. Take me for example, I don't make the most money in the universe, may not be the best looking cat, don't have the nicest houses or cars or any of that material, so the opportunities presented to do bad are naturally and thankfully lessened. My resolve of continued good behavior as a result is the reward.
On the other side of that is [unfaithful star of the moment], who is apparently quite heavy in these skreetz as a result of their capital, and is presented with far more opportunity, seeing as there is more to gain off of them. One would only WISH that said individual would think these things through, though, with mind on what they stand to lose.
Perhaps the addition of these chances to fuck up make one more apt to actually DO the fucking up.

"Well then, Mr. Smart Guy, what about REGULAR people who fuck around?"
Gee, thanks for asking, but perhaps you should work on comprehending a little better.
An equation involving opportunity [minus] inhibition [plus] thinking it can be pulled off [equals] some ol' bullshit.
This is SURELY not to say that everyone in the world is hard wired to mess around, in fact the numbers are more to the contrary, but that doesn't make for good television, no not at all. Surely not everyone who has lived a philanderous past is destined to continue that way forever. Yes, some people live for the continued thrill of it all, or just aren't interested in being tied down, but sooner or later one will find the resolve to either get tired of the shit or just grow the fuck up. Either way, whichever method employed, it is left in the past.

I guess what it is that I am most tired of is the whole "why do men cheat?" generalization, completely void of consideration for those of us who don't... No, I am no angel, I have done a share of extracurricular diddling in my time, usually under the guise of my extended stretches of being and remaining single with no plans at the time to change that. Yes, once or twice I was DEAD wrong, in that it was done while I actually WAS exclusive with someone.

"Well then, Mr. Hypocrite-guy... why DID you do it?"
First things first, fuck off with that 'hypocrite' talk, I am not saying this in a 'do as I say, not as I do' position, nor am I advocating any attempts at how I would be somehow justified in what I have done. I know I was young and dumb... Well, not necessarily dumb, but surely immature as all fuck.
I chalk it all up to being young and having fun. I am thankful that I have come away from it with my health fully intact and no extraneous tax deductions or child support debts as a result, so I guess at the end of it all, it was well worth the lesson.
At the end of it all, I take solace in having built a bit of what I might call an 'immunity' to the commission of these crimes of opportunity.
If only I could somehow finagle my way into a billion or so -- like the one that Tiger is about to lose a motherfucking CHUNK of -- for my efforts.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

You know what I think?

I been thinking (yes, I concede that this is often a dangerous state) and, while I am about sick and fucking tired of Tiger coverage, I feel the need to go in, if only to keep my blog near the top when someone enters "Tiger Woods" into a Google search.
[Phlip note - don't judge me, I blog, I want the fucking attention]

Tiger was heavy in these skreets before he met Elin, he HAD to be!

What multimillionaire bachelor -- straight or zesty -- who happens to be hundreds of millions into his earnings DOESN'T take his pick of whatever the best of whatever city he is currently situated in, as per his preferred gender of sexual congress (and several NOT of it, but that is another blog that I will never post)?

The way I see this, he has had a harem of jumpoffs all along -- only a fool would believe otherwise. I am to FURTHER believe that he, very much like Diddy -- except with about 2-3 times the bankroll and a million times more acceptance in at least SOME of white America -- cannot be made to use a rubber. Elin would have been one of those jumpoffs at one point, but she was the one who struck the lottery by getting knocked up and then, to protect that image from his philandering, he married her.

As I understand it, they have a pre-nup says she gets 20 mil and child support if he goes, which is flies to an elephant, so to speak, with his cash... She shares with him his billion or better if she stays. Which would YOU do?!!?

Mark Kreigel on Fox Sports said it last week... He needs to admit he was wrong, (perhaps) buy her a 4 million dollar ring, grow a pair and put them on the line.
[Phlip note - calling a press conference in the Staples Center to cry on camera not advisable]

Then he will come back and beast harder than before, the sponsors will RUN back to his dick, we've seen it happen before. The ultimate vindication is living better.

I also find it funny how EVERY single one of his jumpoffs, alleged and confirmed, have decided to come out of the woodwork with stories, text messages and picture messages in varying levels of incrimination.
[Phlip note - THIS is why you NEVER send anyone pictures of your genitals unless images of said genitals are how you make your money already]
What is funny about THAT is that most of his jumpoffs, save for one as I am told (but have not yet seen an image of) have been of European descent, and all this time we were trained by the internet that it was the BROWN jumpoffs who would come quick to out a philanderer when the news is coming to talk about it with checkbooks drawn.

As is typical, apparently Tiger is the moral compass against which we are all to be judged, the light-skinned good-hair well-spoken half negro. No, not this, not Tiger... This was not supposed to be him. He was excelling at something that as early as 10 years before he began professionally he might not have even been ALLOWED to participate in all available venues, like Belle Meade in Tennessee, which has a long and still applicable history of excluding brown folks from membership and as of earlier this year only had one black member, who only makes use of the course like once annually.
And to think, after ALL that was done for him... He was ALLOWED to play a gentleman's game as a non-gentleman. He was ALLOWED to be the best at the sport, head and shoulders above his contemporaries. He was ALLOWED to make more money than any athlete has or should. All he had to do was put on his best public face and behave. You know, been a little more Jesusy, so to speak. But no, he OJ'd us. It is June 1994 all over again. This ungrateful motherfucker has gone out and--...
Oh, wait... You mean to tell me that he didn't break any laws?

Well what in the fuck is everyone so fucking mad about?

I won't go full in on the "we should all mind our own fucking business" self-righteousness, as this is the unfortunate caveat of what he and any other public figure signs on for the possibility of the moment the decision is made that they will be famous. You will be under a microscope, much by your own designs. It really is an exercise in whoring ones' self out in the largest scale. Sacrifice of regularly human rights to become the walking publicity stunt/salesperson for whatever it is you're chosen to shill.
Let us not forget Michael Jordan paid some chick hush money for an extramarital child several years back.

All I will say is that we should knock off the self-righteous bullshit when they happen to do shit that commoners do.

No more Tiger Woods talk in these pages.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I got some questions for the house.

  • Is it possible to be a lesbian, but still be a virgin?

  • Do black women really get their asses on their shoulders when a black dude is with a white woman?
    If so, why?

  • When the hell did people become so socially inept? I know the internet may have a large influence on this, but there is little to no excuse for people who are, say, my age or older.
    Example: I ask you a direct question in conversation, you do not know the answer to the question I have asked... Why in the FUCK would it be acceptable for you to sit silent instead of acknowledging that someone has spoken to you?

  • Anyone else tired of hearing about Tiger Woods in the news?

  • Is anyone, like me, NOT surprised that this could happen to Tiger Woods, or ANY billionaire athlete for that matter?
    [Phlip note - Tiger is the ONLY athlete to have cleared a billion if I remember that correctly]

  • Is it just me, or is college basketball weak as hell this year?

  • Is it wrong that I am less than a week back from an enormous vacation and I am already watching the cruise lines to begin plans on the next one?

  • Did I miss some unwritten rule that the LEAST prepared individual working in a medical facility is to be the only one who is to talk to people?

  • Is there some kind of conspiracy between electronics retailers to "Match Any Competitor's Pricing," but then make a point of having different model NUMBERS of the same item, therefore NEVER having to match that price?

  • NEW (old) MOVE!!!
    On the phone with someone (a state of being that I already detest as it is, in general) and they enter a room full of people, and instead of directing attention to the call they are on -- or generally more importantly ENDING the call -- I will help them along by simply saying "I see you are busy, call me back when your attention is not divided, good-bye" and then hang up the phone, whether or not they even had the attention directed to even notice what was said.
    Would this be a bad idea? Would I be wrong for adopting this approach again?

  • Why is it that I have now been back to work for one full week, yet it already feels like I never went on vacation?

  • Why do people go out of their way to expend the energy announcing that they do not like or care for/about something? If one TRULY gave not a fuck, would not the prudent thing to do be to simply shut the hell up, as opposed to refute their claim by speaking up?

  • Is it not amazing the number of people who can't fucking spell, what with the advent of spell check and ready availability of uncommon sense?
    Natural stupidity cannot be helped, but natural stupidity is only applied to WRITTEN language, when one sits down and starts typing, all excuses are out the window.

  • Why are people who are completely inept to handle certain things the most pressed to possess them?

  • When the hell will it stop raining long enough for me to cut my damned grass one last time?

  • Has Plies ruined the name "Becky" for anyone who has had or will have it or what?

  • Why, when pressured down from inquiring about something, do stupid motherfuckers act as if rephrasing the same question will make one magically want to answer or discuss something they're obviously not interested in conversation about?

  • Is anyone still paying attention to these or am I just talking to myself?

  • Will this damned day ever fucking end?

  • Am I even still into this post?

  • Should I just go on ahead and post this one and quit playing with it?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Ghetto-ass names; they're my birth control

I work in a place where I have to actually talk to people from doctors' offices. Often times, I see or hear people with names that cause me to HONESTLY question:
  1. what the fuck their parents were thinking when they saddled them with it?
  2. if said parents were even a MOMENT over the age of 16 when they named them?
  3. are fathers REALLY so pretentious as to need to name their DAUGHTERS after themselves?
Enlisting the assistance of The Katie in the name of collection of the names as presented, as well as offering up a few of her own, I have compiled here a list of some of the most egregious of the names I have since come across... If you happen upon this list and find your name, don't take it personally... If you happen upon this list and you see the name of YOUR child, TAKE IT PERSONALLY and apologize to your children as soon as possible. If you've bestowed one of these names upon an as-yet unborn child, please rethink your strategy, use a different and STILL apologize to your child.
With no further setup necessary, let's get on with the list, mostly in alpha order, not in order of importance...

(pronounced "Ab-suh-dee")















('yes, baby, your name is where babies come from')




(pronounced Deville)















































(seriously? did these people not know what a 'queef' is?)

(this one is making the email rounds, pronounced "leee-dash-a")









(heaven backwards)



(act like y'all didn't see this one coming)



































(as in that chick who is about to take Shaquille to the cleaners)



(named after the ass grease?)









I won't even get into the children born and being named after your deceased marginally-talented-at-best-when-alive superstar du jour. [Phlip note - I won't name specifically, just know that it is a female name]
Make note of the vast number of these that include a mixture of capital and lowercase lettering, or completely extraneous punctuation -- the apostrophe appears to be the weapon of choice for this application. Apparently, people live in the mindstate that extra points are given if you can employ elements of mixed capitalization, punctuation and somehow combine multiple names -- even better if you can mix male/female names for a truly androgynous handle.
You know what's funny?
The NFL is FULL of these names, strangely enough... In fact, at least 7 of the names on that above list came from NFL players' given first names. I didn't even go in on names that seemed to be foreign, as they're usually funny for reasons all to themselves.

I know I did not get them all, I purposely neglected addition of people named after cars and liquor, yet I STILL cannot seem to have shaken appearances that some of these girls are setting their daughters up with pre-installed stripper names and their sons with names they will be able to use as their rap names when they get home from their inevitable stop in the county or state. I also stopped at the mention of those who allowed theyr dumbass childrens' fathers to convince them to allow them to name their kids after rappers.
[Phlip note - true story, I know of 3 kids named Raekwon and one named Cam'Ron... Both were monumentally horrible ideas at the time, but the numbers applied here should show which is a worse idea]

At the end of it all, I am inclined to THANK these ghetto-ass-name-having babies, as they caused me to think twice (but generally not more than that -- I AM a man) about who I was sharing my willy with, and to this point has caused me to not score myself any tax deductions with 4-syllable names with multiple marks of punctuation.

Jesus, my spell check was on fucking FIRE for this one.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Observations from the road...

After having passed through SC on my way to and from Florida last week, I am convinced that the signs entering the state should read "Welcome to South Carolina... [no homo]" if only for the amount of proud touting of Cock in this state.
Wait, stay with me here, now. I know some of the two of you are not from the Southeast and might not make the connection of what that means, so I will have to explain it to you.
The University of South Carolina, located in the state capitol of Columbia, is mascoted (no, that is not a real word yet, but context clues help) by Cocky, the Gamecock. For those of you not familiar, a Gamecock is a rooster bred for Cockfighting, which is NOTHING compared to sword fighting, make sure you remember that fact and the above link on the chance someone invites you to visit/witness a cockfight.
Also, cockfighting is illegal in the United States, so I would strongly suggest that you turn down any invites to see any such, lest you could be speaking to a federale and soon arrested for involvement in an illegal bloodsport, Mike Vick style, and we all know how that story ended -- with him giving an ongoing recharound to PETA...

Anyway, immediately upon entrance into the state, one is immediately to note the immense number of bumper stickers and vinyls dedicated to fanship or alumni status to the university. The odd thing, though, is that MOST of them make ZERO mention of "The University of South Carolina," they usually say nothing more than "Gamecocks," or more frequently as observed "Cocks."
For every 5 cars, 3 had a USC sticker, vinyl, or tag and of those 3, two simply said "Cocks," which could be quite disturbing to a homophobe who might not know better. Lucky for me, while quite possibly the homophobe, I know better.
I am also an asshole, though. In such, instead of just looking it off and going on with my life, I am going to make jokes in poor taste about it, then laugh at them even if no one else does.

On the way through, very near to Columbia (but nearing sundown, so no picture taken) The Katie randomly says "cocks," to which I respond with the fully understandable "what the hell?" and she points to the van to my left, and their vinyl on the back... "COCKS," complete with the rooster strolling out of the 'C.'
All I could muster was "wow, a whole VAN full of cock... pause..."

Okay, conversations like these are where we REALLY have fun...

Me - "Oh wow, a whole FAMILY of cocks!"

Katie - "Ha! Yep!"

Me - "Hi everyone, my wife just had a baby, and guess what? She's gonna be a Cock too!"

Katie - "My youngest son? He's a proud cock too!"

Me - "Yes, everyone in my family has gone to SC, we're a big happy family of proud cocks!"

Katie - "Yes, even my DAUGHTERS are cocks!"

Me - "I don't know what I would do if I was to ever have anyone in this family who would NOT want to be a cock"

Katie - "Ha!"

Me - "See my youngest son? He's already a LITTLE cock!"

Needless to say, this silly-ass conversation went on for a few more minutes, then turned back to the sentiment shared above... What in the hell WOULD someone who doesn't know better if they drive through a state that is so outwardly proud of cock? I guess it is no small wonder I got a speeding ticket going through on the way to Florida, I was trying not to meet the wrong end of one of these proud cocks. [pause...]

At the end of it all, it seems that cock instead of cotton and debilitating racism should be the number one exports from South Carolina. But there again, what in the hell do I know?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

"I'm on a boat," pt VII - the 'homeward bound' edition.

I left you on the last one kind of abruptly, but I left that day kind of abruptly myself, and I would be damned for it.
No big deal, I fall asleep often when I have been up and physically exerting myself.


0030 - Back up from my little nap, the game is now in the 3rd and the Lakers are up 9.
[Phlip note - You didn't REALLY think I would leave you hanging, did you?]

0052 - The Heat are making a run for it and have gone up late in the 4th quarter.

0108 - 'Foul and play your ass off' strategy employed and the Lakers are within 3-5 points. Derek Fisher 3 brings the game to within 1, Miami hits another free throw and are up 2...

0115 - 3.2 seconds remaining, NO question who gets the ball here.
[Phlip note - Miami SHOULD have fouled him, lol]
One dribble, two dribble, off-balance and fading to the weak side...
Kobe Bean Bryant for 2009-2010 MVP.

0119 - Back to bed, dammit.

... and now we can get back to business here, no?

12/05/2009 Final Day at Sea

0908 - Up and at 'em, no port of call today, so no real need to look in on our location as related to our destination.

0940 - Breakfast buffet, my next to last cheeseless breakfast, thank God.

1100 - On the deck enjoying an overcast moderate day, trying to spot Cuba to our right, but can't through the weather.

1150 - Down to the promenade for music and random foods prepared on the spot, this is a cooking event of sorts, they're also showing off the ice sculptures.

Nothing else terribly interesting is happening right now, though.

1200 - To the room to finish packing for the trip home and fill out customs declarations for the port in the morning.

1400 - Lunch back up at the buffet.

1530 - Overcast has become "about to rain," to the point where we're actually watching the storm come toward us.

This goes not to mention the old lady whose asscrack goes all the way up to her shoulder blades. Katie has mastered the fine art of handling a camera, I was in the foreground and she PRETENDED to be photographing me, lol.

What has been seen cannot be unseen.

1615 - Rain begins and we get our asses indoors.

1630 - Down to the promenade for beverage in wait for the parade to begin.
Snap a few pictures from the deck after the quick rain.

The only one worth keeping, the wake of the boat from the rearmost and lowest deck/// Simply a cool shot to take.

1745 - Dinky little parade begins and lasts 15 minutes.

Yes, that all took place ON a fuxing boat.

1800 - Stroll the shops with Katie, Linda and Cornelia, then down to the Casino for more drinks.

1825 - Jamaican bartenders are the best in the damned world. Grab a ticket to the ship's lottery on the way out.

1840 - Buy one get one Margaritas and the Florida/Alabama game in Studio B.

1900 - Farewell show, featuring these two Russian chicks (ha!) swinging on these satin curtain thingies, then the singers and dancers directly employed by the ship, then a comedian who was actually kinda funny.

2010 - Killing time before dinner, we can see Miami's lights next to the ship.

2030 - Dinner in the dining room.

2215 - Stop by the room to kill time before the lottery drawing at 1055... Unfortunately, I will still have to be back at work on Tuesday.
Back to the room to this:

Katie says Turkey, I say Peacock... What say ye?

1105 - Back to the room, shower and set the bags out in the hall to be picked up and taken through to be checked by the dogs in the morning. Then bedtime. Arrival is due at 6am and we will need to have breakfast, then prepared to get off the boat sometime soon thereafter.

12/06/2009 "No longer on a boat," the 'trail of fuxing tears' edition

This is the wrap-up of this whole series... I decided to go ahead and piggyback this one into this post, as it is clearly a part of the journey home and fit in the theme set by the title.
Not to mention, the post would have been TERRIBLY short if left to it's own devices.

0519 - Awake, bathroom and back in the bed, twice actually.

0555 - Fux it, I am up for real this time.

0608 - Wake Katie and we pack up my backpack and random other items, then get ready to go eat, making sure we've left nothing in the room.

0639 - I go to the purser's desk and get my change on the money we DIDN'T spend on the boat for drinks and gambling... $27.45 is what I had left, makes for good gas money.

0715 - Time for one last no-real-cheese-having buffet breakfast. Cornelia eats with us and offers a couple bucks for carrying her bags back to NC so she doesn't have to pay the airline $175.00 again.

0740 - In the lounge watching CNN and waiting for them to call our color code to exit the ship.

0812 - Walking the plank into the terminal to clear customs and collect bags, call the ride.

0900 - Waiting outside for Ernest.

Thanks again, we had a fuxing blast!

1000 - Back in the rental, headed back towards I-95.
Mileage: 27,690

1249 - Georgia state line.

1256 - Kingsland, GA... Stop for gas, $2.49/gallon, 10.510 gallons, $26.26. 30.872 MPG since the last fuel stop.

1442 - South Carolina state line.

1638 - Fort Jackson, SC... Lunch, stop at Subway.

1710 - back on the highway.

1753 - York (or Conway, I forgot), SC... Stop for gas. $2.53/gallon, 9.848 gallons. $25.00 even, 30.86 MPG since last fuel stop.

1823 - NC state line.
Not far now!

[Phlip note - thank Jesus that the Panthers' game was an early afternoon one, stadium traffic is notorious for fuxing I-77 the fux UP!!!]

1946 - "Finally... The Phlip HAS COME BACK!!! To Greensboro..."

2000 - Collect Katie's dog from her dad's place.
[Phlip note - Katie's dog is fuxing EVIL and would not have allowed my brother to sit her]

2020 - Drop Linda and Cornelia's bags off at the Davis household and demand of young Mr. Davis that he WILL be on the next boat.

2023 - (they live like 9 houses from me) home, sweet dammit home!

12/07/2009 Almost back to life...

Nothing major for today, I tackle my checklist, getting all the realistic stuff done, going to talk to the lawyer and all that goodness.
I refill the tank on the car on the way to the airport... $2.53/gallon, 3.938 gallons for $10.00. 28,347 miles... 37.328 MPG since last stop, wooooooooooooow.
Total miles driven: 1316
Total fuel consumed: 41.431 gallons
Fuel economy: 31.763 miles per gallon

1439 - Rental car returned, vacation officially over, I could cry.

1500 - Arrive to Dr. Upshaw for The Bruiser's first appointment.
2.8 pounds, healthy lung/heart function and NO worms at all, which is to suggest that his mother and any dogs she or he came into contact with before we got him were all well taken care of.

I could say a lot of things at the end of this all, but I would hope that you've all read it as I have posted it in this series. This was my third cruise and The Katie's first, and it is quite needless to say that we both had a stone fuxing blast the whole week. So much to the point where we're already starting in on the thoughts of embarking on the next, this time it will surely be on a Carnival ship though.
I returned to work this morning, and a good week remained good, as for the first time in MONTHS the first thing I heard upon entering the office was good news, which was a good lead-in to my day.

I would like to thank Linda for setting this up and Cathy at Cruises Taylor Made for agenting this thing for us. I would like to thank Ernest for agreeing to let me use his driveway and to drop me off and pick me up from the terminal on only 9 days' notice, breaking out of his only day he normally sleeps in to do it.
I would like to thank the academy, white Jesus, my mama, and--... Wait... What the fux is going on here? I am blogging my vacation, not winning an award.

Thanks again for reading and laughing along with me here people, I will surely be back to my random maniacal ramblings here as soon as I can think of something more to post. Right now, though?
I need to figure out what it takes to make everything stop feeling like it is fuxing rocking like I am on that damned ship still.

"I'm on a boat," pt VI, the 'last port of call' edition

This is to be our last "stop" on this trip, and it is to another place that I have been before, but again this should not be a problem at all, as I enjoyed my time here the first time.
Luckily, it was not as hot this time as it had been 2 years prior. Having been here also provided the enviable position of knowing generally where shit was as well, making navigation of the very small area we were situated in quite easy as well.

12/04/2009 Cozumel, Mexico

0846 - Awake and into el bano, not due to arrive until about 10am, but the map on channel 19 tells me that we're close and are actually slowing down as if close to port.

0930 - Breakfast buffet. I am still less than thrilled at the fact that I cannot find any real cheese on this fuxing buffet. On our way in to the cafe, Linda and Cornelia were already on their way down to the gangway to get the city out of the way.

1000 -

So, this is how it goes... I knew this 2 years ago when I was on the Carnival Valor this same week.

Wait, pause, I took this picture while in Cozumel from less than 50 yards away:

Yes, the last cruise I went on was on THAT ship, not one like it, not one from that company... I was on THAT fuxing ship.
See, up to this point in the cruise, the best experience of any endeavor out of the country has included my time on the above-pictured ship. I am loyal to the Carnival Valor and simply biding my time on any others until I experience one to take her place.


2 years ago, this nipply creature was a frog, I promise you... I think I took a picture with it then, but I will need to find that.

1150 - Enough of this walking shit, it is getting hotter out here, let's go back to the ship and enjoy some air conditioning. Once back in the room, I take a nap and Katie showers.

1435 - Lunchtime at the buffet.

1545 - On the deck taking turns dozing off and playing games watching the silly people being silly.

1615 - Katie takes her turn at naptime and I spin channels a while, then venture out for a beer and some adventures around the ship.

1808 - I am back in the room and she is still sleeping, I lay my stuff out to take a shower and dress for dinner.

1925 - I actually get in that shower, and sit down and make out a 'to do' list of things for when we get back home.

1939 - Dress for dinner, we head down for a drink before heading to the dining room, nothing terribly outstanding happened during dinner tonight.

2220 - Back to the room to change out of dinner clothes. This guy waits for us:

2230 - Lakers vs. Heat on ESPN, I could hang around a while.

2248 - I doze the fux off, SHIT!!!


"I'm on a boat," pt V - the mid-week edition

Grand Cayman...
It is where your favorite crooked Wall Streeter is storing your bailout money. Laugh to keep from crying at that, because it is absolutely true. For such a small island, there are a LOT of nice cars here, and that is to say "nice" by your standards OR my own.
Not a lot of lead in to this one, as I have actually been to this port once before and know what to expect of it. Trudging through to it in spite of should speak to the fact that I liked what we will be up against here, even if I DON'T have a ton of pocket money to play with here.

12/03/2009 Georgetown, Grand Cayman

0808 - Wake up, use bathroom and notice that the ship doesn't feel like it is moving right now... Strange, we're not supposed to arrive til like 9am. Turn on the TV to the channel showing our course and confirmation that we're not moving is reached. Fine, let's get ready for breakfast and get ready to hop a tender over to the island.

*Pause button*
For those of you unfamiliar with the term "tender," it is a small boat sent from the shore to a larger boat to carry people/supplies to/from shore. In the case of a cruise ship, it is used when there is not a pier -- like in Belize City -- or if the water in the port is too shallow for a ship the size of a cruise ship as was the case here.

0935 - Get my watch and her camera from the room and head down to the gangway.

0940 - On the tender and headed over to the island.

Some 'pirate' ship from the tender

0950 - Passed through and on the island and in the marketplace damn near immediately.

The island, or the areas where we are to be, is not very huge, so we're able to take in the whole thing in a reasonably short amount of time. While on the island, we collect charms to a charm bracelet strategically placed in locations throughout the world by Diamonds International and Tanzanite International stores. Shot glass for mama, souvenirs for Katie's friends.

I mentioned being on the island and seeing some things, so of course I took some pics.

Forgot the model name, but on the whole it is nothing more than a Toyota Camry.

Wow, apparently Grand Cayman knew I was coming back, so they welcomed me with open legs arms.

Nissan Skyline, another car we do not get here in the states.

Some old white guy that the waiters said that was a retired pro ball player.

This is a cock... This is in front of a KFC, can you say irony?

I don't know WHAT the fux this is.

Toyota Starlet GT Turbo, why can't we get these here?!!?

Rear view.

Nissan Skyline GT350, known to us as the Infiniti G35 coupe.
Ironic is that a 4-door Infiniti G35 passed behind me while I took this.

It's a frog, and I am being attacked or something like that.

1120 - Boarding tender back to the boat with our stuff...

1130 - On the way up to the room to put stuff down and cool off, then plan next move. I don't even think Linda got off the boat here, as she has been 4 times before this one.

1315 - Lunch at the buffet.

1430 - The 'itis is setting in, as we sit on the deck taking turns dozing off.

1515 - Move positions, watching people gamble the "will the ship leave my ass here?" lottery.

1615 - Went back inside to see if we can locate the Davis family.

1620 - Scored some sweets and sit with Linda and Cornelia, then back to poolside to randomly chill.

1645 - Back down to the promenade for a beverage and to not win a raffle for a bracelet.

1730 - Room; shower and nap before dinner.

2011 - Headed downstairs.

2025 - Quick beverage in the casino bar, before...

2030 - ... BEST

Linda and Cornelia with our assistant waiter, 'Baba'.

Tonight is known to the employees of The MS Freedom of the Seas as "Chef's Dinner" night, but to ANYONE who gives a mad assfux, this is LOBSTER NIGHT!!!
I don't remember my appetizer or dessert. I remember that I had the best Lobster Tail I have ever had, and we will not sign that off on the fact that I'd only had it once or twice before. Everyone at the table had it except for Cornelia, who does not eat shellfish.
Adonis, our waiter came back by and asked if we wanted more and damned if we didn't fuxing par-fuxing-take of it.


2215 - Back to room to sit a minute to let the lobster process and find this guy on the bed.

2230 - We head up to the Jacuzzi and it tries to zonk out on us, so we move to the pool, then I decide that I should look over the jacuzzi again, I have it working again in minutes and we're back in it for a while.

2313 - Back in the room, removing wet clothes.

2345 - Bedtime.

Last time, I was short on cash funds, this time I was short on cash funds, but BOTH times other influences and observations drove my good time. Now that I have been precisely here 2 times in my life, I would honestly say that I would do it again at least once more. I know I said it last time and I am going to say it again right now, I WILL have a pocket full of cash before I hit Grand Cayman again, dammit.
Tomorrow is the last port of call, Cozumel Mexico, I will have that one posed ASAP, then close out the series, thanks for reading.

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