Ghetto-ass names; they're my birth control

I work in a place where I have to actually talk to people from doctors' offices. Often times, I see or hear people with names that cause me to HONESTLY question:
  1. what the fuck their parents were thinking when they saddled them with it?
  2. if said parents were even a MOMENT over the age of 16 when they named them?
  3. are fathers REALLY so pretentious as to need to name their DAUGHTERS after themselves?
Enlisting the assistance of The Katie in the name of collection of the names as presented, as well as offering up a few of her own, I have compiled here a list of some of the most egregious of the names I have since come across... If you happen upon this list and find your name, don't take it personally... If you happen upon this list and you see the name of YOUR child, TAKE IT PERSONALLY and apologize to your children as soon as possible. If you've bestowed one of these names upon an as-yet unborn child, please rethink your strategy, use a different and STILL apologize to your child.
With no further setup necessary, let's get on with the list, mostly in alpha order, not in order of importance...





Abcd
(pronounced "Ab-suh-dee")

Ajavalon

Akinsheye

Annestonisha

Antoinae

Antwanae

Antonyishia

Atari

BenJarvus

Berrlondrika

BiQuaya

Cantina

Charmanique

Charrdonnay

Cionqani

Con'Sepciona
('yes, baby, your name is where babies come from')

Cornbreesha

D'Brickashaw

D’Qwell

Devil
(pronounced Deville)

DaDiamond

Daivinesha

Darvion

De'Adrian

DeRyan

Diondrake

D'Quell

Esquatisha

Falonda

Fashionette

Femalee

Feyundre

Flozell

Garliesha

Gervante

Guntrisha

Hamarion

Hennekia

Homarian

Imamirical

Isaidrianna

Ja'Darius

Jakori

JaQuizz

Jarveishia

Jayzel

Johndrea

JonTonae

Jumbolisha

JuKrisha

Jybonte

Kabaris

Kalondrae

Katawbba

KeiOnsha

Keshawn

Keshawnfondriqua

Ken'Trice

Ke'Von

Kevinisha

Knowshon

LaAmbah

LaBrion

LaDeairah

Lamandon

LaQuarius

LaQueefa
(seriously? did these people not know what a 'queef' is?)

Le-a
(this one is making the email rounds, pronounced "leee-dash-a")

Lemonjello

Lucresia

Marandon

Mochachetta

Monifa

Montesha

Nadaydra

Nario

Nevaeh
(heaven backwards)

Nokia

Nyquila

Obamaneisha
(act like y'all didn't see this one coming)

Olario

Oronjello

Owldreama

Publeesha

Quantyce

Quinikki

Raynelle

Realsheeka

Recoliana

Rock'yell

Romanda

Ronarion

ShaHazel

ShaJamie

Shakaiyah

Shakila

ShaLaunda

Shaneeta

Sharday

ShaTranna

Shidiamond

Starkeisha

Starrah

Sunreeta

Terquasi

Talaylay

Tanae

Tayontay

Tomorrow

Troyetta

Twonkeria

UnJahnatay

Ureeka

Usofineunique
(*dead*)

Va'Shaundya
(as in that chick who is about to take Shaquille to the cleaners)

ValDisha

ValNeeta

Vaselyne
(named after the ass grease?)

Verneisha

Waynice

Yodka

ZaDra

Zamir

ZaNiqua

Zarante

Zaylin


I won't even get into the children born and being named after your deceased marginally-talented-at-best-when-alive superstar du jour. [Phlip note - I won't name specifically, just know that it is a female name]
Make note of the vast number of these that include a mixture of capital and lowercase lettering, or completely extraneous punctuation -- the apostrophe appears to be the weapon of choice for this application. Apparently, people live in the mindstate that extra points are given if you can employ elements of mixed capitalization, punctuation and somehow combine multiple names -- even better if you can mix male/female names for a truly androgynous handle.
You know what's funny?
The NFL is FULL of these names, strangely enough... In fact, at least 7 of the names on that above list came from NFL players' given first names. I didn't even go in on names that seemed to be foreign, as they're usually funny for reasons all to themselves.

I know I did not get them all, I purposely neglected addition of people named after cars and liquor, yet I STILL cannot seem to have shaken appearances that some of these girls are setting their daughters up with pre-installed stripper names and their sons with names they will be able to use as their rap names when they get home from their inevitable stop in the county or state. I also stopped at the mention of those who allowed theyr dumbass childrens' fathers to convince them to allow them to name their kids after rappers.
[Phlip note - true story, I know of 3 kids named Raekwon and one named Cam'Ron... Both were monumentally horrible ideas at the time, but the numbers applied here should show which is a worse idea]

At the end of it all, I am inclined to THANK these ghetto-ass-name-having babies, as they caused me to think twice (but generally not more than that -- I AM a man) about who I was sharing my willy with, and to this point has caused me to not score myself any tax deductions with 4-syllable names with multiple marks of punctuation.


Jesus, my spell check was on fucking FIRE for this one.

Comments

SenTora said…
What's really sad is that a good portion of these, I have seen in some form or another. Yes the NFL names too. All I could do was weep with laughter at the list. My child will have a WHITE PEOPLE name!! That way, when they go look for a job, they have a half-way decent chance of getting it!!!!
Tony Grands said…
I know a "Lacresia"...she looks EXACTLY how her name sounds.

I also know a little boy named "Cam'Ron", which I take to be a nigga-rigged derivative "Cameron".

My NFL name pick: Santonio. Roffle Mayo!
Anonymous said…
Naming your child a white name do not mean that your child will have a chance at getting a job. My friend said she was going to name her son a white name for that same reason.If someone can come over here(US) from another country with nothing and leave the U.S. with an education, money, status : you can not base that on a name. That person made his or her own choice to become that docter, business-owner or etc.You seriously need to take Darvion(Darvey for short) off that list. That is my son's name. I know that these are hard times and some people feel like they are better than others so they have to try to step on others to get to the top; but this is just sad that you rather try to down people rather than making a blog showing people how to own a business, properties,darn-it ; how to crochet! I do not think that Barack Hussein Obama II (THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES) has a white name.
NO OFFENSE TO WHITE PEOPLE
BUT IN THE WORDS OF CHRIS R.
BLACK PEOPLE CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT WHITE PEOPLE THINK!
Have a Happy New Year!
Peace!
Phlip said…
Oh look, my first anonymous dissenter, I feel honored!
However, I love it more when people miss the satire in my posts and express some righteous indignation. I love it more when they express their righteous indignation they seem to have been forced into after giving a child a tragic name and telling me that I apparently think that I am better than people because I can make a blog making light of whatever I feel I want to make light of.
Oops, life sucks, I guess.
I never said that one needs a 'white people' name to get a job, but being saddled with ANYTHING from the list will make it a million times harder to get that resume pulled and viewed when compared.

Tell little Darvion that uncle Phlip says good luck becoming a "docter," what in the hell ever one of those is or whatever else you tell him you want him to be, lord knows he will need it.
I would also strongly suggest fully taking in an individual's body of work before you start pointing fingers... At no point have I claimed to be better than anyone or downed a single individual (well, maybe a couple, but not this time). Quite frankly, I claim to be a slightly overweight dude with what is probably a drinking problem busting my ass to pay my bills and maintain a peaceful household, sometimes in spite of myself. The satire contained in this 10 months worth of posts might have told you that, but it seems to me that you punched your son's name into Google, found my post and decided to go hard, wrong as you could be. I will, however, thank you for clicking on my blog and commenting, thus upping my Google rank a little more in the process.
Tony Grands said…
@anonymous

Though you made valid points about "foreigners" venturing to America in search of a better life, let us not forget that their intentions are to come here & partake in whatever nectar USA has to offer. Often times, they have strong work ethics, drive & a determination that most Americans don't have to begin with, & @ that point, a name is irrelevant. When Sahmedeen Aljazeer is the head of his college class & graduating a valedictorian, his just another success story, as opposed to being part of a name-blame game.

As for names, since you took it to a "Black people..." situation, Black people tend to get caught up trying so hard to differentiate themselves that they just wind up a part of another "group". How many chicks do you know with chest tats, lip rings, or gay tendencies? Just saying...

I don't believe Phlip's intentions were to single out your child's name, but we can all be in compliance as to how incredibly unique that name is, & how it could possibly hinder him. No shots. If he excels in school & society, his name will be a non-issue, & this entire comedic post will be obsolete in his instance. So, tell him to prove the world wrong. Success is the best revenge. Then, in 18 or so years, you can come back with a link to him running for Mayor or something. & some friendly advice-don't be so sensitive. The world is a cruel place. A "White" name my not solidify success, but hey, some things in life can be a little bit easier than we, as humans, allow them to be.

Be easy, sis.
Anonymous said…
I love how Cam'Ron has been changed into a dumbass name.
I mean it was stolen from the Scottish\Gaelic Cameron meaning is "crooked nose." Highlands clan name derived from the facial feature. It was the nickname of a brave Highland chieftain which became the surname of one of the oldest clans in Scotland.
I know this because my name is Cameron (named so by my mother after my great grandfather) and yes my nose is slightly crooked.......But now it is known for a small time rapper, I can't count the times I've heard that name (even though they pronounce it Kam-ron, and I use Kam-ren or Kam-er-en or Kam-er-on)and looked to see who was calling me, as I almost never heard the name (unless someone was talking to me)and it is almost always a 4-10 year old black child. Oh well, at least that name is better than Darvion :P
Phlip said…
Ahh, yes... As a name, Cameron, when spelled and spoken as intended has no need to be anywhere on this list. It is when one thinks of how it gets here, and even then usually when considering the reason for it that we must stop to question it and stick it on this still-humorous list. Some failed wannabe rapper exclaiming "I'mma name my son after Killa" is not the move and hence becomes the cause for inclusion.

Yep, a lot of truth is said in jest and the truth hurts sometimes, thanks for seeing the humor in it.
Anonymous said…
Hello Phlip and everyone,
My name is Kimberly.K. My e-mail address is sayhitoloc@yahoo.com.I am the person who posted about the name Darvion.I did not name like my name when I was child because there were Kimberlies everywhere. At the time I like names like Keturah, Keshia, and Rasheda. I Someone did say that name the Cam'Ron is a better name than Darvion. I like the name Cam'Ron too. I do not like the name for my son.I have my reasons for naming my son the name Darvion. Many people had lots to say about it , but I stuck with it. My son just turn a year old in Jan.About a week ago I took my son to class with me .I told to my peers my son's name and they said that he has a nice name.My instructor(older black lady) ask me why did I name him that. She told me she named all her children good old american names like Elizabeth, Johnathan, and Kelly.She also told how much she like the name Moses. I like that name too.
Anonymous said…
@Tony Grands

I agree Mr. Grands the world can be a cruel place. I watched an the Tara Banks show. She did a show about names. She had a panel of about 7 people of different races to give their thoughts about some names.Some of the panelists where real cruel.

Kimberly.K

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