Ghetto-ass names; they're my birth control

I work in a place where I have to actually talk to people from doctors' offices. Often times, I see or hear people with names that cause me to HONESTLY question:
  1. what the fuck their parents were thinking when they saddled them with it?
  2. if said parents were even a MOMENT over the age of 16 when they named them?
  3. are fathers REALLY so pretentious as to need to name their DAUGHTERS after themselves?
Enlisting the assistance of The Katie in the name of collection of the names as presented, as well as offering up a few of her own, I have compiled here a list of some of the most egregious of the names I have since come across... If you happen upon this list and find your name, don't take it personally... If you happen upon this list and you see the name of YOUR child, TAKE IT PERSONALLY and apologize to your children as soon as possible. If you've bestowed one of these names upon an as-yet unborn child, please rethink your strategy, use a different and STILL apologize to your child.
With no further setup necessary, let's get on with the list, mostly in alpha order, not in order of importance...





Abcd
(pronounced "Ab-suh-dee")

Ajavalon

Akinsheye

Annestonisha

Antoinae

Antwanae

Antonyishia

Atari

BenJarvus

Berrlondrika

BiQuaya

Cantina

Charmanique

Charrdonnay

Cionqani

Con'Sepciona
('yes, baby, your name is where babies come from')

Cornbreesha

D'Brickashaw

D’Qwell

Devil
(pronounced Deville)

DaDiamond

Daivinesha

Darvion

De'Adrian

DeRyan

Diondrake

D'Quell

Esquatisha

Falonda

Fashionette

Femalee

Feyundre

Flozell

Garliesha

Gervante

Guntrisha

Hamarion

Hennekia

Homarian

Imamirical

Isaidrianna

Ja'Darius

Jakori

JaQuizz

Jarveishia

Jayzel

Johndrea

JonTonae

Jumbolisha

JuKrisha

Jybonte

Kabaris

Kalondrae

Katawbba

KeiOnsha

Keshawn

Keshawnfondriqua

Ken'Trice

Ke'Von

Kevinisha

Knowshon

LaAmbah

LaBrion

LaDeairah

Lamandon

LaQuarius

LaQueefa
(seriously? did these people not know what a 'queef' is?)

Le-a
(this one is making the email rounds, pronounced "leee-dash-a")

Lemonjello

Lucresia

Marandon

Mochachetta

Monifa

Montesha

Nadaydra

Nario

Nevaeh
(heaven backwards)

Nokia

Nyquila

Obamaneisha
(act like y'all didn't see this one coming)

Olario

Oronjello

Owldreama

Publeesha

Quantyce

Quinikki

Raynelle

Realsheeka

Recoliana

Rock'yell

Romanda

Ronarion

ShaHazel

ShaJamie

Shakaiyah

Shakila

ShaLaunda

Shaneeta

Sharday

ShaTranna

Shidiamond

Starkeisha

Starrah

Sunreeta

Terquasi

Talaylay

Tanae

Tayontay

Tomorrow

Troyetta

Twonkeria

UnJahnatay

Ureeka

Usofineunique
(*dead*)

Va'Shaundya
(as in that chick who is about to take Shaquille to the cleaners)

ValDisha

ValNeeta

Vaselyne
(named after the ass grease?)

Verneisha

Waynice

Yodka

ZaDra

Zamir

ZaNiqua

Zarante

Zaylin


I won't even get into the children born and being named after your deceased marginally-talented-at-best-when-alive superstar du jour. [Phlip note - I won't name specifically, just know that it is a female name]
Make note of the vast number of these that include a mixture of capital and lowercase lettering, or completely extraneous punctuation -- the apostrophe appears to be the weapon of choice for this application. Apparently, people live in the mindstate that extra points are given if you can employ elements of mixed capitalization, punctuation and somehow combine multiple names -- even better if you can mix male/female names for a truly androgynous handle.
You know what's funny?
The NFL is FULL of these names, strangely enough... In fact, at least 7 of the names on that above list came from NFL players' given first names. I didn't even go in on names that seemed to be foreign, as they're usually funny for reasons all to themselves.

I know I did not get them all, I purposely neglected addition of people named after cars and liquor, yet I STILL cannot seem to have shaken appearances that some of these girls are setting their daughters up with pre-installed stripper names and their sons with names they will be able to use as their rap names when they get home from their inevitable stop in the county or state. I also stopped at the mention of those who allowed theyr dumbass childrens' fathers to convince them to allow them to name their kids after rappers.
[Phlip note - true story, I know of 3 kids named Raekwon and one named Cam'Ron... Both were monumentally horrible ideas at the time, but the numbers applied here should show which is a worse idea]

At the end of it all, I am inclined to THANK these ghetto-ass-name-having babies, as they caused me to think twice (but generally not more than that -- I AM a man) about who I was sharing my willy with, and to this point has caused me to not score myself any tax deductions with 4-syllable names with multiple marks of punctuation.


Jesus, my spell check was on fucking FIRE for this one.
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