Cartoon Disassembly 101: Session 1 (guest blog series)
The following was originally written by the homie Galen Henderson... With his permission, and in response to a Facebook status message about how comically asinine the villains' plots were on Voltron while snowed in this weekend led him to share this piece with me. With his permission, I am presenting it to the two of you.
There are surely more parts to this series, but I will be sharing the all of them with you complete with link.
[Phlip note - that was it for all of them right there]
And now we will get right down to business...
Aight y'all, class is in session and the Teacher is about to speak. The first victims of dissection this morning are Scooby Doo and The Superfriends (all versions of them).
During the 70s and 80s, the Superfriends were the PINNACLE of the superhero cartoon genre of all time. I remember many a Saturday Morning waiting to see Challenge of the Superfriends. The Wonder Twins, Marvin and whatshername with the dog, all the different versions I didn't care. As long as it was the Superfriends, that's the only thing that mattered.
As I got older, I started noticing things about the Superfriends that seemed so strange. So here for your reading pleasure are those weird things about the Superfriends that I noticed.
Let's start off with Wonder Woman. First off, this heifer was on some damn good hallucinogenic drugs. How was this possible? It's a very simple answer really. For some reason, she could fly, but yet decided to fly around in an Invisible Jet that only SHE can see. If you would look up in the sky, you'd see a woman's ass in what appears to be the seated position in the middle of the air. Now you tell me.
Along with this, her weapon(s) of choice left a lot to be desired some as well. The bracelets, not a bad idea. But the "Magic Lasso of Truth"..... how in the red, white, and blue draws hell does a Lasso of Truth help to stop crime other than the guy blurting out something to the effect of this lil scenario:
Wonder Woman: "My Magic Lasso will stop him" *captures Unknown Guy* "Now tell me the Truth"
Unknown Guy: "The Truth is, I think you got a nice ass and I wanna have sex with you, but in actuality, I will be having sex with myself when I get home"
Need I say more?
Next up: Marvin, Wendy, and the dog! Now why on earth would superheroes want two dumb-ass middle school kids with no use or powers (other than sheer annoyance) whatsoever, other than cleaning the Hall of Justice, be doing as Superfriends? Now I could imagine if that happens in this day & age, the kids would be probably smarter than Superman, Aquaman, Robin, and Wonder Woman. But these kids were dumb. By sheer luck they would end up doing something useful once per episode. At the end of the first season, they were gone. And then they were replaced by...
The Wonder Twins - Now.... a lil bit more useful, older kids (college age probably) and then that damned monkey (what is it with these kids & animals? Was there something ELSE going on we didn't know about?)!!! Ok, for those of you that don't know their power was to yell at the top of their lungs: "Wonder Twin Powers, ACTIVATE" and then say out loud what they are converting into. This one was a mixed bag. The girl was more useful than the guy was for the simple fact of this: She could transform into any type of animal and he could transform into any of the forms of water (oooooh scary). She could kick ass, he could cool off your Martini. And in one of the episodes he did JUST that very same thing. The monkey wanted a cool drink & didn't have anymore ice. So he told Gayboy Elfinpunk to transform himself into some ice and get in his drink (you know this guy was weak if he got punk'd by a monkey with no powers and couldn't speak).
But there was maybe one benefit to his powers. If you don't know what I am referring to, watch Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law with Apache Chief. Then you'll see what was the one benefit was.
Everyone else were just pure morons. Superman, whom I still don't like to this day, is the quintessential brute Boy Scout in tights... for that matter, so was everyone else in the Superfriends. All they had to do was sit in the Hall of Justice and wait for someone to commit a crime and to figure out what they had to do, Consult the Justice League Computer that knew EVERY-DAMN-THING UNDER THE FREAKIN SUN!!! That's it end of series.
End of Superfriends Line
Which now brings me to the venerable favorite of everyone. I used to be a fan until Cartoon Network & WB started Whoring the series out and you would be forced to watch it 7 damn days a week when they could have better or other shows in its place. Scooby Doo....
Where to start, where to start..... hmmm.
Ok, to begin, Shaggy and Scooby smoked weed on a CONSTANT basis. Don't believe me? Well let's look at the warning signs:
1. Always had the munchies (i.e. were always hungry)
2. Paranoid as hell (always the first ones to see the "Ghost")
3. Shaggy was the ONLY person that understood what the hell Scooby was saying.
Just watch one episode and you'll see what I'm talking about.
Next up let's discuss Fred and Daphne. Now in every episode when they "searched for clues" they would always split up in this fashion: Shaggy, Scooby & Velma (I'll discuss her in a few) and Fred & Daphne. And every single time, they always show what Shaggy & Scoob are doing. Why? Because Fred & Daphne were testing the shocks on the Mystery Machine and would come back to them later so Shaggy & Scooby could get their smoke on.
Velma.... plain and simple was a lesbian. She turned Daphne out big time... and when they do the 2nd version of "Let's Split Up Gang" she would tag along & turn Daphne out while Fred enjoyed the show.
Another question for you class: What did the four of them do for a living? Let's look at it for a second. First thing, they rode around in a Customized Van and traveled around the world but yet none of them had a job. Not to mention the food bill to cover for Shaggy and Scooby. But I am wrong... they did have a job as couriers. Really they traveled the world picking up & dropping off shipments of "Scooby Snacks", which were in actuality brownies but not of the chocolate variety if you know what I mean. And in the Scooby Doo Movies, the ones where they had the celebrities, the special celebrity guests were some of their customers. Why do you think they were so cool with them?
Speaking of the Mystery Machine, why was it that you never saw the inside of it except from the front or from the side? Cause they didn't want to show how smoked out it was, that's why!!
Another side note, Shag & Scoob got arrested and had Harvey Birdman represent them in court... and there was plenty of incriminating evidence that support my claims.
Ok class, I think that just about covers everything for today. Next week's lesson involves the Smurfs and Winnie the Pooh. Your homework assignment is to watch episodes of these shows to see if you can find anything wrong with them and report your findings.
That's all for this week, CLASS DISMISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!