(23) How to win an argument

Being a well-documented asshole both in real life and on the internets, I can honestly say that I have been in many a debate, some that one might even classify as "arguments," so it stands to reason that I know how to end one.
[Phlip note - operative word "end," remember that]

I guess one might say that I am clearly adept at pissing people off.
The trick, here, is not to be necessarily equipped with proper information, but to get the other side to shut the hell up while you're still willing to discuss your position. Victory by forfeit, if you will. I cannot lay total claim to all techniques that will be discussed in this presentation. In fact, I will not even divulge what it was that was on my television that led to my even writing this right now.


***Deflection***
"What about me? Sheeit, what about YOU?!!?"
Right, as soon as a valid point has been made to counter a weaker one of your own, the first thing you should do is shift the focus onto something (or someone) else.
Why would it matter if you cheated on your wife if she was doing dirt at the same time, whether or not you knew about it, or if someone she knows was doing some filthy shit? Take note that this is the PERFECT time to bring up old shit; "well what about the time you [...]?"
The point is to remove the focus from yourself and whatever it was you may have done and apply it to someone else, preferably the person with whom you are debating/arguing. This should ALWAYS be the first tool you employ.




***Derailment***
Take whatever it was you were presented with, and if you do not have a snappy and valid comeback for it, take the argument and make it about something else without fully changing the subject. Present it so that the fact that this is even up for discussion as being the fault of whomever it is you're currently engaged with.
There USED to be a site called Derailing For Dummies, but it magically disappeared about 3 weeks ago, but some nice guy cached and reposted the page for us to learn from.
Derailing is one of those techniques best reserved for conversations about normally hot-button issues like race and politics. Remembering that your mission is not necessarily to objectively present your side of the discussion as any more valid or based in fact, but just good enough to get the person who you are talking to to concede the discussion. Not necessarily concession of "victory," so much as just conceding the discussion. Shutting them the fuck up is more important than being right, remember that.





***Big Words***
Look, you know you're smarter than them... The thing here is to intimidate them with big, or at least "smart people" words. Cowering under the expansiveness of your vocabulary, they will surely not even bother ATTEMPTING to go at you. Remembering that you will not need to be right or even bother with annoying little nuances like objectivity or maturity, fling away with the 4-syllable words you learned in 10th grade sociology. Anything is fair game, as long as it shuts them the fuck up.




and when all else fails...
***Insults***
This is the end-all, to be employed when speaking without raising your voice or getting personal using the above-named methods has not properly worked. This is most effective when a conversation with someone you know has become heated.
Anything is fair game... Upbringing, secrets told in confidence, ANY little thing you may know or think you know. If you don't know enough to carry it like that, then feel free to turn it into a game of The Dozens.
[Phlip note - thanks, NC Public Schools!]
The beauty of insulting people is that nothing used has to be based in fact. One caveat to that is that coming armed with factual information betters your position exponentially. This also allows you to approach this with some semblance of calmness retained, while working your opposition up something furious.

HOWEVER!!!
Sometimes, you just have to take it there...
It is also at this point, given that all other employed methods have either failed you or you simply lack the brain power to properly employ them, that it is fully acceptable to work yourself up into a foam-in-the-corners-of-your-mouth tizzy, yelling.
Remember that I have stated that the argument goes not to the person equipped with proper information, but to the last person still arguing when it is all over. You don't necessarily want to have proper information or gain the amicable concession of your opponent so much as you just want them to shut the fuck up. Gone are the tenets of "being the bigger man" by the time it has come to this, so it matters not that the opposition has just left the shit alone because it is apparent that your head is jammed so far up your ass in all of your self-righteous knowledge that talking to you any longer is just not fucking worth it. Prattle on about training and qualifications, cite unverifiable references and experience that is either outdated to the point of invalidity or also unverifiable, anything to belittle anything said to you. Just don't give up.
Remember, though... Usually, you have no real reason to take it here unless you were dead-ass wrong all along and need to save face in your lack of the maturity to admit you fucked the fuck up.




I am pretty sure that there are more angles to approach this from. I speak on only a few to apply as you see fit. If you are NEEDING to look into more to employ (or some more on the Deflection and/or Derailment ones), you should tune in to Fox News in the evenings once in a while. That shit is comical in application.
I guess the point of this point at large is to draw attention to how silly anyone actually is for even BEING in an argument with another adult. Even sillier when they always seem to find one. Downright fucking retarded when they always seem to find one and refuse to consider for a moment how silly it is or that they could possibly be anything less than absolutely right, and a deity worthy of worship for being so. A simple discussion of the difference in the weather between West Virginia and Montana doesn't morph into a "fuck you and your mother" argument about whether or not the rain in Spain actually falls on the plain when carried by adults with proper cerebral chemical balances.


Individual results may vary and past performances have indication of future returns.
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