All I need in this world...

[Phlip note - this is a "slightly inebriated lunchtime with Murph" post I have been sitting on since I got home from Atlanta 2 weeks ago]

... is a gym sock and an orange.
The gym sock MUST be a knee-high, Tiny Archibald status.

Think of the endless possibilities...
  1. Non-Lethal Crowd Control
    When pressed by an unarmed crowd, you will swing your (preferably dirty) gym sock at the onslaught, probably catching the lead right on the jaw. A quick reload on the recoil gets you into the next. Not only are you controlling the crowd by way of making examples out of people, you're also giving them a full day's supply of Vitamin C.

  2. Homeless Suppression
    "Hey, brotha, can you spare some change for a--..."
    Say no more, once you have unleashed your fruit-juicy effectiveness, you will have not only circumvented the need to donate that money by providing nourishment in the form of antioxidants-laden citrus, you will also kept him at a safe distance.

  3. Self Defense
    Come on, look at it. How hard is it to understand that a long sock containing an orange in it can be used to defend the perimeters of ones face if it comes down to it. Look back at #s 1 and 2 and answer that if you must.
Noteworthy is that not just any old orange will do for this situation. Clementines and tangerines need not apply... You're gonna need an early to mid-season Valencia, or nothing larger than a small Navel orange. Firmness is the name of this game as it relates to effectiveness. Soft enough to not break bones (except for noses or fingers, but you can break those by just looking at them), and small enough to fit in that damned sock.

As far as the sock goes?
Gym socks ONLY!!!
Why?
Well, you want it to hold up against the pressures of you slinging a centrifugally heavy item inside of it. A dress sock would give up the ghost far too easily, panty hose even quicker than that. That could create an ugly situation where you now have a projectile weapon, which is only cool until that "awww ho-lee FUCK" moment when you realize that you are without means to reload. I mean, even if you had a barrel full of oranges, you had damned well better have quite a few dress socks/stockings to pair up. For the sake of efficiency, just use a long gym sock. Using a dirty one just makes the situation that much more fun.


Wait, Speaking of Projectiles...
Yes, speaking of projectiles...
Watch a nature show on Discovery or something of the sort. When big cats are on the hunt, their tails keep them balanced at speed. Should you decide you need to THROW an orange at someone and you're sure you could do so with a decisive kill blow, then it being inside of the sock is the way to abso-fuckin-lutely true your aim... Test it in your back yard on your neighbors' kids if your don't believe me.
Keep in mind, though, that if your aim is just THAT fucked the fuck up, then you have now potentially armed your once-target, and should be thinking about an alternate plan of action, up to and including running like a bitch.


I will not be held responsible for any asswhoopings or arrests resulting from the words read here on these pages, I am but a conduit from which information is to be gleaned and used as you see fit.
Take care of yourselves.
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