"Paint it Black" -- Full House


(well, not quite, but we'll get back to that shortly)

Some of the two of you, those aged 28 and older for sure, should remember late 80s/early 90s sitcom Full House. If not, click that link and come back to read from here.
In a nutshell, this show --along with America's Funniest Home Videos -- is the reason that people see Bob Saget as "corny and wholesome," and predates when we were ALL fucking done with the Olson Twins 20+ years ago.

Anyway, for something new we're gonna do here on the blog, we're going to take something that is abjectly white and, well...
Paint it black.

What that means, if you don't get it, is that we will remove the stereotypically white America stereotypes and add some black ones in their place.
So let's do this.

From the above-linked Wikipedia article:
Set in San Francisco, California, it chronicles widowed father Danny Tanner (Bob Saget), who, after the death of his wife following the birth of their youngest daughter Michelle Tanner, enlists his best friend Joey Gladstone (Dave Coulier) and his brother-in-law Jesse Katsopolis (John Stamos) to help raise his three daughters, D.J. Tanner (Candace Cameron), Stephanie Tanner (Jodie Sweetin), and Michelle (Mary Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen). Later on in the series, Danny's cohost (and later Jesse's wife), Rebecca Donaldson Katsopolis, (Lori Loughlin) joins the household. Finally, Jesse and Becky's twin sons, Nicky and Alex Katsopolis, become additions to the family. Another notable character of the show is Kimmy Gibbler (Andrea Barber), D.J.'s best friend and the Tanner family's neighbor.


So we have...
Danny Tanner:
A recently-widowed father of 3 daughters, including a newborn, who lives in an enormous house and is a television news anchor.
Daughter DJ:
Middle school(?) aged, seems to be somewhat decently adjusted in a fucking madhouse (more on that later perhaps)
Daughter Stephanie:
Elementary school(?) age, conclusion-jumper and full of one-liners.
Daughter Michelle:
Infant, silent for the first season, of course. Unfortunately talks too damned much for the remainder of the series.

and his nuclear family, consisting of...

"Best Friend" Joey:
Might be the funniest person on the show, silly voices and all that.
Brother-in-Law Jesse:
I assume to be here to help Danny after his sister's death.



For the sake of consistency and to minimize confusion, I will NOT be changing the names of the characters for this.



Danny Tanner:
A recently-widowed father of 3 daughters, including a newborn. When finally cleared of suspicion in the death of his wife, he is allowed to ATTEMPT to re-enter the workforce to care for his 3 children. Hustles under-the-table jobs and sells weed to make ends almost meet.
Daughter DJ:
Wise beyond her years, by way of never having been allowed to have a childhood, since her parents were hard at work on their own second childhoods. Has seen and heard things by way of her parents that most ADULTS shouldn't have to hear.
Daughter Stephanie:
Smart-mouthed child, never knew better, as her parents thought this shit was "cute." This will be the child with the horrible attitude in school, will never hey along with any of the other girls and will be the "statistic," who leaves high school (whether or not she actually graduates) with at least one child, and will have at least 2 more by two different people before it is all said and done.
Daughter Michelle:
Point of contention in the case involving her mother's mysterious and never-explained death... See, while her sisters clearly look a LOT like either their mother or their father, this child bears resemblance to neither in the least.

and his nuclear family, consisting of...

"Best Friend" Joey:
This guy is the "and this week, we present a special episode" waiting to happen.
Y'all know how the "special episodes" go, usually containing something controversial or heavier than a child might be able to take in without an adult to attempt to explain.
(hint: this MIGHT have a lot to do with that first baby Stephanie has)
Now the whole "Uncle Joey" aesthetic is henceforth kinda weird.
Brother-in-Law Jesse:
As the ONLY next of kin -- and hence monetary beneficiary -- remaining if Danny is found to be implied and guilty in the death of his wife, Jesse makes sure he is as close to that damned money as he can be. Being the only legally employed person and licensed driver in the house, the plight of the kids makes for an easy "reason" to be around, but he is really in it for the MILFs in their schools.


So here we have the cast all lined up and we can look at the details of the show.

As originally presented, Full House was a collection of Zany occurrences with nary a mention of the departed mother of this situation. So unrealistic is that omission, as I do not recall a single solitary time she was actually mentioned in 8 seasons. I am only taking the inference from the Wikipedia article that she actually was deceased and, instead didn't just leave.
In fact, as I think of this, perhaps she DID leave, but being that she had no money or discernible skills, combined with a monstrous pre-nup, Danny kept the kids. The REAL reason that was never given for her leaving? Danny was teh ghey. No, stay with me here, before we go off on "Here Phlip goes with the homophobia shit again" and close the window...
No woman present, ever. House always spotless and immaculately decorated?
Now tell me it doesn't make at least a LITTLE sense and mean it.


As presented, "painted black," we can take the same situations, and they will be bleak and motherfucking depressing. The mother will definitely be dead. The specter of that youngest child being illegitimate with no means of pawning her off on her real daddy will loom heavy. That sassy middle daughter will either get her ass whooped or be a point of annoyance in that she DOESN'T get her ass whooped.
Financial problems abound due to legal issues regarding the mother's death, as well as illicit monetary gains. This goes not to mention the less-than-complete insurance she DID have, complete with an insurance company unwilling to release funds until foul play on the part of the beneficiary is either proved/disproved.


As it were, Full House lasted 8 seasons, from 1987-1995, which was honestly about 3 or so seasons too damned long. There was a time (when I was in 5th grade in a VERY mixed-race school) where you couldn't swing a cat without hitting someone who was talking about the show. One-liners from the kids on the show were as prominent as those from Bart Simpson at the time.

As presented "painted black," Full House would be one of those shows that starts, lasts about 3-4 episodes and is pulled mid-season to show syndicated episodes of something else or some new gameshow. The studio would try to destroy all the reels that had not already been sent to Iron Mountain for prosperity. Hell, they would try even to get to THAT to destroy it. Alas, it would be a rumor, a hitch in the careers of all involved. They would succumb to drug addictions and rampant extramarital children before turning to a life of either bootleg porn made in cheap motels, jail or Tyler Perry movies...
If, for some odd reason, this shit managed to last even one season, it would be given BET and NAACP image awards and the cast would be featured on the cover of Ebony and Jet magazine. The magazines would tout the show as "real," and "indicative of the toughness of the African-American experience," calling the show's non-existent female characters "strong and independent," painting her as the victim to Danny's ineptitude as a "real" man. She was never seen on the show, but is somehow the most developed character on it in their minds.
[Phlip note - as they're known to do around those parts]
Still, though, the show would only last one season, to be replaced with a game show or docudrama. The stars would likely go down the same path as above described if the show lasted only a couple episodes.


Would I watch Full House if it was painted black?
On the surface, I would say "hell no," but there remains the element not terribly dissimilar to a train wreck, meaning it would be a bit hard for me to look away on the off chance that something interestingly bad happens. Kinda like reality TV on vh1.

Hell, if I had it to do all over again and had to watch the original Full House at age 30 as opposed to age 10, I probably wouldn't watch the shit though.
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