Life, love, hip hop, humor AND instructions on how to cook a bangin'-ass meal... all in one place. I put the words here, make what you want of them.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

As the year winds down...

As the year winds down, there are a great many of you who are scribing out your new years’ resolutions. Statistics have shown that 91.8738% (<- the arbitrariness of that number shows that I do my research on these… Trust me, I’m a doctor!) of those resolutions will fail. I am not one to make resolutions at the beginning of the year, I fly through life by the seat of my pants and make irrational decisions to keep shit interesting.
However!
As a well-established connoisseur (yes, I spelled that right first time without spellcheck) of mistake-making, I am here today to explain and work with you on how to properly fashion your resolutions.

First of all, lose the Kanye line “aim for the stars, so even if you fail you land on a cloud” line of thinking. Aiming too high is where people set themselves for failure right out of the gate. Anyone who would PLAN for failure likely has more deeply underlying issues that need to be addressed, and unfortunately I am not THAT type of doctor.
For the sake of self-esteem, one should make a point of being sure that they can reach what they’re goaling for, or goal what they’re reaching for – word to Gil Scott-Heron. With that in mind, I am going to address the idea and spirit of a great many (well, five) resolutions that people make and fail at year in and year out, as only I can.



1 – GAIN weight
Every year, on January 1, people buy The Perfect Pushup, ShakeWeight, 6-Second Abs and a ton of motherfucking Billy Blanks DVDs and they tell themselves they will “get right for the summer,” and every year Easter, they are shopping for the same sized clothes they wore for one of their 4 annual forays into church as last year.
Then they beat themselves up about it for the remainder of the year… “but I tried so hard,” or “but I [yaddayaddayadda]” or of course the age-old “I'm finna/bout-ta/gonna… starting Monday.” Without fail, the return is always to square one and without fail, they’re super hard on themselves about it.

Well how do we fix it?
Simple! Stop making such lofty fucking goals! Seriously, replace “I’mma lose 50 pounds” with “I’mma gain 20 pounds,” and all of a sudden gaining that 20 pounds – or even losing “only” 10 – feels more like an accomplishment than it did the end of the world last year, doesn’t it?
The beauty of this is that you have to do literally nothing.



2 – be less-than-savory to those in need
Every year, hippies would-be volunteers begin their years marking out their calendars for the dates that they will spend feeding the homeless, volunteering time here and there, protesting things that are usuaually pretty much non-issues and tweeting mercilessly to make themselves feel better. Never mind that they usually never accomplish much more than being annoying and smelling like patchouli.
To actually fully go through with everything as planned would be time and effort-intensive, and might just make you kinda tired, now wouldn’t it? This goes not even to mention the money that transporting yourself to these things would be. And seriously, this will be 2011 soon, who has time and effort to give to OTHER people, we got our own problems. Instead of going all out of the way to serve those who can or will not serve themselves, simply pass them by. Offer a condescending “get it together” on the way by if you feel you need to expend ANY energy at all. Hell, THAT will at least give you the satisfaction that comes from the vindication that living better provides.
In the train station one day and the blind dude is playing his saxophone with the case open for tips? Drop in a few Canadian pennies and make change. By “change,” I clearly mean change of possession, pick up enough to cover your train fare. See? You’re doing better already and we all always knew that New Years Resolutions were all about bettering ourselves.

This point can be altered to fit your own geographical limitations, naturally.


3 – File bankruptcy this year
Fuck, what good will saving money do? You’re going to work like a slave until you’re 70 anyway and you won’t be able to take a DIME of it with you when summoned into the great beyond. I know you think that the very act of bleeding off all of your money might be a bad idea for the general fit-and-finish of living life comfortably in general but don’t worry, we got you. A full tutorial on how to make homelessness work has been written, should it come to that.
We all know what a daunting task that financial responsibility can be. Even to a fully responsible person, it can be a major pain in the dick. With the price of everything escalating, it is sure to become a bit more difficult, and we all run a bigger risk of needing to file for a strategic bankruptcy than ever before in our generation’s lives.
If you need to bleed off some funds, you can start off by forwarding us all of your life’s savings, we will take it as a gift and properly involve the tax man, I promise. From there, live your life just a little bit financially recklessly – preferrably involving some unsecured debt – and make sure you have ALL the unabashed fun your imagination can muster while doing so. When it comes time to pay the piper, do not call me, instead go ahead and file bankruptcy. While this could be a move damning to your credit rating, don’t think about that. Instead, think of all the FUN you had, look at those nice Jordans on your feet and smile knowing that you did it all the damned way big.
Again, you weren’t taking it with you anyway, why SHOULD you want to leave it to the tax man? Fuuuuuuuck saving money, SPEND money!



4 – Find lust
You’re getting up in age… You’re friends are all getting involved, getting married and having kids (and not necessarily in that order, but they’re doing it), while you aren’t, doing so under the guise that you’re “doing me,” what in the purple hell ever that means.
Love generally takes a lot of intangible effort and emotion. The fruition is the satisfaction of reciprocal love. With an estimated worldwide population of 6.9 BILLION people, the fact remains that a great many people just aren’t going to find love. Continuing a fruitless search for it can only serve to damn the sensitive ego of some of those people and that just ain’t right, now is it?
Well is there a way around it?
Damn straight there is!
See, love has an evil twin sister, and her name is “lust.” It comes with all - well most – of the physical accomplishment with (usually) none of the emotional baggage appended. The beauty of such an thing is that a grand many of that almost seven billion human beings can’t even tell the difference.
No need ‘wookin pa nub in all da wrong places’ when a good old-fashioned lust affair will serve the same discernible purpose to all those you want to think are paying attention, whether or not they actually are.



5 – get UNorganized
You know what OCD people all have in common? The probability of unprovoked anxiety attacks and other indicators of INSANE stress levels. Who gives a damn about Feng Shui when you have to take a cocktail of antidepressants before your brain will allow you to even face your front yard?
Look, this is not to say “become a slob,” just that there is a line to be crossed where “organization” becomes “obsession,” and unfortunately those approaching it too quickly don’t recognize it. If you know WHERE shit is, who is to care HOW it is there, as long as you don’t?
Need an example?
Sure, my “storage” room in my house somewhat resembles Haiti circa last January 16th, but damned if I can’t tell you the location of ANYTHING I might happen to have put in there. Rather than having obsessed about the location of every little thing and the stress that may accompany such a thing, I am more than chill with stepping over a bin as soon as I step in that door… Just make sure that door stays closed.
So yeah, stop worrying about organization, and work in terms of “good enough.”


So there we have it… 5 of the most commonly-employed new years resolutions, complete with how we’ve all been doing them wrong all these years by setting sights entirely too high. Of course, when you told yourself you were gonna make a billion dollars at your next job, that $40k/year offer seems quite insulting, even though it more than supported your lifestyle.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Spike Lee movies for 2010 well, '11 by this time (pt. 3)

Time for closure...

I am convinced that while Spike Lee Flicks, adapted for the current market, would be a critical success, in that most movie reviewers are – pretend to be – at least DECENTLY objective when looking into these things.
If Spike Lee’s name would be good enough to get the movie onto enough screens nation/worldwide, he would make enough money to cover production and make profit enough to continue doing him, but they would SURELY not be landslide success-level blockbusters.

“why,” you ask?

Black audiences these days tend to run away from being told about themselves. It seems that they would more often rather be told how to feel, be it feeling sorry for themselves, to hate their own or just when and how to cry.

White audiences often don’t understand “black” issues, even if they feed you the ‘I have tons of black friends’ line ad-infinitum.

The days of PAYING to be taught some shit died in college to a great many people of all races. You wanna teach me some shit, you need to pay me, on the clock, like my employer does when I am to be trained.

Polarizing figures of this type are not so much heralded in 2010 as they were in the late 80s. Tell black people they’re fuckin’ up and they’ll call you a ‘hater’ and ignore the lesson. Tell anyone else THEY’RE fuckin’ up and you’ll be dubbed an ‘angry black man,’ or ‘intolerant’ or one of those other fun words they usually sit on until they're in need of code language for why you should hate the president.

All told, there is a reason that Spike Lee movies are not so much a draw as they once were, and indifference in the community is the tip of the iceberg. That said, no matter HOW interesting or modern this could be made, I am not sure that these movies would have aged or gone over terribly well in today's climate.
Sure, there would be those to go and see them for nostalgia and a great many of them would like them, but those "for" are most often less vocally so than those who are "against," and the 'this ain't NOTHIN like the original' crowd would be the taste-makers.

[Phlip note - we must stop Michael Bay before he finishes killing Transformers for me]

To draw on my favorite parallel, it is the same thing that people can and do say “man, I listen to hip hop, but all I listen to is the beat, I don’t be listening to the words like that.”
No longer is it even COOL to expect someone to dissect and understand a message. Tell them how to feel, tell them when to cry and use overtly stupid-ass physical humor to dictate when they should laugh. They aren’t out to see movies for what the movie is about or what is conveyed so much as they are for who is in the movies. In the world we live in now, critical acclaim is no longer enough, you gotta do some numbers to get by. The movies could review wonderfully, but the fact that people have readily accepted being made dumb would make a HARD sell of a Spike Lee movie in the current climate.

… in my opinion, of course.

What do y'all think?

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Spike Lee movies for 2010 well, '11 by this time (pt. 2)

picking up where we left off, now we will discuss the next of the mentioned Spike Lee Flicks...


Do the Right Thing (1989)

This movie deals directly with the multiple plights of the residents of a Brooklyn neighborhood on what happens to be the hottest day of the year.
The major theme dealt with in the movie happens to be race relations, centering around a pizza parlor and the treatment of black patrons, real or perceived... Irony comes from the titling of this movie, as it seems that NOBODY is doing the right thing in the entire movie.

[Phlip note - except Radio Raheem, he could DO no wrong]

We have EVERYTHING one could desire in a movie; Public Enemy music serving as damn near the ENTIRE score, Rosie Perez, Rosie Perez' titties, racism, class-based discrimination, hatred of immigrants, disregard for the elderly/mentally challenged, and (best of all) Samuel Leroy 'motherfuckin' Jackson.

Besides, who CAN'T love a movie that includes lines like...

"You gold-teeth-gold-chain-wearin', fried-chicken-and-biscuit-eatin', monkey, ape, baboon, big thigh, fast-runnin', high-jumpin', spear-chuckin', three-hundred-sixty-degree-basketball-dunkin' titsun spade Moulan Yan. Take your fuckin' piece-of-pizza and go the fuck back to Africa."

Again, this movie serves as a "show you what to do by showing you what NOT to do" up close and personally, up to and including the lesson learned of the riot that resulted in at least one death. The movie was both critically and commercially successful, I even watched it on DVD recently myself.


But what if they did it now?

No longer would it take place in a record-high NY summer day, but a record LOW southeast winter day...
I say that from a personal level, since I live in NC, where single-digit windchill this early in December are not quite the norm, but have been very much the reality this week...

The slowing of – or at least the changing face of it – will serve it that the pizza parlor is now owned by a Muslim family at on a strip mall very near to both black AND white neighborhoods. There will also be some Chinese takeout and your run-of-the-mill generic “Asian-Owned” nail and beauty supplies, as well as African hair braiding.

[Phlip note - holy shit, I just described my own neighborhood!]

Anyway...
The things would play out largely the same. Being that the pizza place is on the block with black people and only a half mile from white people, his foot traffic is largely of both races, exacerbated by his prime real estate; DIRECTLY next to the grocery store.

White people resent him because their own neighborhood is the old money that moved elsewhere in the city when the black folks moved in, which was bad enough before they started letting “them goddamned terrorist motherfuckers” open up shop everywhere in the city.
Black folks resent him because the first round of gentrification and business-opening in the neighborhood was all black-owned. This includes two video stores that are no longer open, one salon that is no longer open, a barber shop that barely is and 3 Laundromats, one of which has closed and reopened twice, one that moved and one that is only open to serve as a front for illegal operations otherwise.
His presence in the neighborhood comes to show their loss on the toehold of what they had “taken” from the white folks 20 years prior. It represented something they did NOT take action on when the Koreans opened the cleaners, then the beauty supply, then nail shop and takeout spot before.

This is where the similarities to the original movie really begins...

One of the chu’uch folks tries to set up a boycott of non-black-owned businesses on the block – which would mean no one does ANYTHING in the neighborhood except getting their hair done or washing their clothes at the Laundromat without free drying – until they’ve gone, at which point they reinvest in the community. The response from the younger generations came across more or less as a “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that, them terrorist-ass calzones is too good to be quittin’ on!”
The white people, though? For the most part, very few of them were willing to patronize the restaurant out of 9/11-driven fear of the unknown. That said, damned if they would EVER invite “those people” to their house for delivery either. No need to go too much further into why THEY would refrain from patronage.
Anywho, one night right at closing time, someone is leaving with their food that they’d ordered ahead of time, when a young black man enters the shop and wants to place an order…
3 minutes prior to closing…

When the shop owner advises that he has shut down the oven for the night, and the only thing he would be willing to make at the 11th hour would be a cold sandwich, a scene occurs. The would-be patron attempts to argue with him, but is repeatedly asked to leave the premises. This MIGHT have continued, had not the passing police officer who cases this lot every night at this time happened to roll through. The angered (and now still-hungry) 19 year-old leaves.

11:30 the following morning, he is standing on the sidewalk telling EVERYONE to enter the parlor that they shouldn't, prompting the owners' son to step out and confront him. Meanwhile, one of his knucklehead friends is harassing the Korean lady trying to open her nail salon across the parking lot. The harassment at the pizza shop goes on ALL day until the owner shows for his own shift. Ironically, the kid's friends are no longer bothering the other shop owners, but the pizza parlor owner instead.

I don't know how many people constitutes a riot, but the 5 kids who STARTED this shit, the one store owner who was just minding his own business and now the dozens of onlookers-cum-participants makes one in my mind. The cops come in time to grab the first black teenager who appears to be a troublemaker and employs that chokehold that they aren't supposed to use anymore. Trash cans are thrown and fires started, I hope these cops expected overtime tonight...
All the OTHER business owners have closed up shop, drawn security coverings over glass and beat it.

Just as the original ended, with Sm-m-m-m-m-m-miley distraught over what has become of the neighborhood, the movie will end with an--... um, "zesty" fellow in tears, screaming "why!" as the credits begin to roll.
Unlike the original, there will be no dialog between the shop owner and anyone else who was at the riot.


The movie, as the original was, would be critically-acclaimed.
Unfortunately, no one would go to see it, seeing as how people will not much go to movies with a message these days, even if the message is RIGHT OUT IN FRONT OF THEM. Asking someone to work to get the message beneath a metaphor is just too damned much it seems these days.
‘da fuck? Nigga, you tryna get smart?’ would be the response from the "peer" audience.
[Phlip note - "peer audience" = those who share skin color with the moviemaker]
It would go on to the Parthenon of cinematic GREATNESS that wad damned by not enough people willing to put their cash up to view, usually for reasons not reflecting the maker of the film. The Great Debaters comes to mind when I type that.

Closure to come tomorrow.
to be continued…

Friday, December 17, 2010

Spike Lee movies for 2010 well, '11 by this time (pt. 1)

While fatly pigging the fuck out eating out with The Katie last Friday night, I had an epiphany. Oddly, I would find that an “epiphany” is not an item on the buffet at Golden Corral…

Never mind that though. The burst of thought led to a tweet/FaceBook status update.

“What if Spike Lee remade his movies for 2010? What if he made school daze and do the right thing now but not then?”

No need to address the couple of responses I got, since this was not a question of the day, except for the one from the homie Simon, who retweeted it as well, which included You need to blog this.”
Never one to turn down the requests of my two loyal readers (or any of the others I might have scared off by means of not coddling their fragile little egos), here we are…

Anyway…
I will direct my focus in these posts on the two of Shelton Jackson Lee's movies specifically named, Do the Right Thing and School Daze, and I will take them on one at a time, doing so in the order of their release…

School Daze (1988)

This movie dealt with the homecoming weekend at a fictional (for the sake of the movie, as I am sure one by this name exists SOMEWHERE) HBCU named Mission College. In it, we would see addressed things that actually went on in black colleges at one point in history.
In it, we would see the politically active groups vying for validity in a world that might not give a damn about them. Their corollary would be the gang members Greeks, who would play the role of "jocks" to their--... whatever, I'm confused now.

Anyway...

Issues addressed range from “internal” racism – that between darker and lighter-skinned black folks that has always existed – to a system of cliques that often form on black college campuses. I might think that something similar does on white college campuses as well, but I never been to one of those, so I do not know.
It is all done in a sometimes humorous but always musical means. Most things presented were largely symbolic and metaphorical in their message, even the ones that were not so out front. What it all amounted to (in my mind) was the painting of the black college model as a largely dysfunctional model, which remains accurate in application and as-depicted even now, three months shy of 23 years later.

In total, the movie did decently well critically and commercially, with the loudest jeers coming from those who felt they were wrongly called on their ways.
Guilty dog barks loudest, I guess.

Well, what if they did it now?

The easy answer to this question would be “well shit, he would never get green-lit or funding from the studio,” and this post would end right here…
HOWEVER!!!
I don’t give in that easy.
So what do I think would have changed about the movie if it had been made in 2010/’11?
First of all, the amount of on-campus activities that took place would not have taken place. It seems that the focus on HBCU homecomings these days is less on the school celebrating what in the hell ever homecomings are to celebrate. I won’t even lie and say I know what they’re actually for.
No sense in focusing on the on-campus quarrels and such. Not when we can focus on the buildup to the concerts to be held 10 miles from campus. Not when you can focus on all the out-of-towners of the opposite sex headed in to converge on the city from Thursday afternoon through Sunday morning.

The movie – if released now without the context of the original – would likely play out more like a documentary than a drama to be totally honest. With Spike Lee being Spike Lee, it would be a forum to pan people for how their behaviors have devolved, if only as a “look at what you’re doing to yourselves” and would pull no punches in doing so.
But white people would call him an ‘angry black man’ while black people would call him a ‘hater’ and the movie would be a critical and commercial flop, barely breaking even on production costs.
Now, if remade for 2010, it would AT LEAST bear the sentimental value to those of us old enough to remember the original. Themes would be similar, but adapted for the current climate, but the focus on “school” things would be similarly shifted to extracurricular activities and the disdain would still be apparent. Again, the 30+ would come and at least SEE the movie, but younger generations would completely miss the point, likely calling Spike Lee a ‘hater’ just the same.



On to the next movie tomorrow, to be continued...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

You don't care? PROVE IT!

I will never understand why people feel the need to join a conversation just to inform everyone involved that they don’t care about the topic at hand. Maybe it’s just me, but ‘I don’t care’ should be a station you go through in action and not statement. If someone is talking about something you do not care about, for one to go out of their way to have to SAY they don’t care is a very out-front suggestion that the topic at hand took up enough real estate in their minds for them to say something about it. In application, this makes untrue the ‘I don’t care’ statement.
Perhaps better employed would be ‘I don’t care as much as you do,’ but fact remains that even THAT would have one coming off as a bit of a dick as well, what with the suggestion that ‘what you care about is beneath me’ and all.

As ever, argument of sorts will ensue and then people get feelings hurt. And to think how less-than-necessary this would be if people could refer back to the art of shutting up.

[Phlip note – as a blogger, I am SUPPOSED to be a Keyboard Cowboy of sorts, and accept whatever backlash may come as a result of my opinions, if only I could turn a profit for doing so...]

F’rexample… Some nice people are discussing something – ANYTHING – and this conversation could be in any avenue, be it FaceBook/Twitter, coffee shop, breakroom, mall food court, synagogue, abortion clinic or under Clarence Thomas’ desk. Venue really matters not, just so long as you have one person (a) with an opinion, at least one person (b) who is listening to that individual’s opinion and at least one person (c) to witness the conversation who harbors an opinion on the topic at hand. Whether or not that individual will cop to actually having one is where this gets fun.
Now, (a) is sitting in discussion with (b) over their lunch, in a common area, and (a) has developed a strong opinion on a current news story, which they happen to be quite knowledgeable about following a lifetime of active interest. (b) listens to the conversation – almost (read: pretty damned much) a rant from (a), but the topic interests them both, so it continues…
At this point, (c) enters the room and naturally overhears the conversation at hand. The topic is one that vaguely interests them, clearly not as much or as passionately as the individuals currently in discussion. Smart money dictates that this might be the one to just lay up and leave alone. Yeah, that would make sense, right?

“I really don’t care one way or the other, but I think that [angle not necessarily related to the topic at hand]”

[Phlip note – this would have made it this far if the person had done the right thing, no?]

Now that (c) has stepped into the arena, it is only naturally inferred that they have an opinion on the topic at hand, and hopefully a little knowledge on the item in which they’ve now become involved.

And...
that is a DICK move.

But...
(a)
, now fully okay with having another participant in the discussion, addresses the newcomer and their response with a fitting rebuttal which steers the conversation back to what was ACTUALLY being discussed.
It is now apparent that our newcomer has no real interest in the topic at hand as it was initially being discussed (or apparently any respect for the intelligence of those in other than themselves), made evident by the constant reminder that ‘well I really don’t care.’ This will naturally devolves into ‘I don’t know why y’all care so much’ and will come to include all the requisite patronizing language on the in-between. Any attempts at the hands of the initial participants of the discussion to steer it back to – or keep it on – original topic are met with apples-to-oranges comparisons seemingly designed to not only drag the discussion further down a road it never needed to go, but also denigrate those involved.
Nits are picked, nerves are grated and non-issues dragged into it. Non-points are made by the uninvited participant, which are met with valid counterpoints at the hands of others. Every valid counterpoint is responded to with “whatever” or “I don’t see why you even care,” and without fail, they slip and present the wrong argument. At this point, their entire agenda is picked apart piece-by-piece, point-by-point to the point where the thing that most people would do is just shut up and leave the discussion in defeat.

But wait!

This person doesn’t care and never cared in the first place, never mind that they have now committed a large chunk of time that they are not getting back, thus making not caring the stupidest thing they will have done today. At this point, with no one intimidated into cowering before their apparently immense intellectual accomplishments.
No new fans made in this venue, they will leave the conversation completely incapable of admission that they’d just stepped into an arena where they were clearly overmatched, so the answer as presented will remain an emphatic “what-ever!”

Back to the task at hand… (a) and (b) will attempt to trudge on, though thoroughly derailed in doing so. A general “what in the fuck just happened here?” will be the chosen response, with a “damn, you handled that one better than I might have” and the situation as it were is left no longer addressed.

Why in the hell DO people do that?
Are we all living in some kind of alternate universe, wherein it is somehow socially acceptable to drop in on people who DO care about something enough to converse about it, but only long enough to remind them that you do not care? Once engaged, when did it become acceptable to continue the discussion that you apparently only care enough about to pat yourself on the back, thereby basically insulting all participants involved?
There are three arenas where this seems to happen most often…

  1. Religion
  2. Politics
    and most frequent/fervently…
  3. Sports

As ever, the prudent move – even if you DO care – if your aim is to avoid an argument or being pwned in an attempt to one-up someone in their own comfort zone, is simply to shut it and keep moving… The day that people START doing that, though, will be the day that posts like this will stop popping up.

And now, speaking of how not to care, I plan to sit back and watch as everyone proves it, with no one commenting this post, lol.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

In dealing with the self-involved...

Okay,

Let’s face it… All of us know at least 4-5 people who are so terribly self-involved that everything done or talked about MUST be turned into a conversation about them. If not directly, eventually… Today, I will deal with two of those individuals.

Given this fact, we’re all well aware what a drain it can be to be FORCED to deal with such folks, so I thought to myself “self… we should devise a system in which these people are to be handled as deserved”

[Phlip note – yes I do talk to myself, and you do too, fuckers…]

Make note of the word “deserved” in that sentence, as it is not to be understood as “how they feel they deserve,” rather “what in the fuck they have earned.

Scene 1…

You: “my birthday’s coming up in a couple weeks… We’re gonna have a big party at so-and-so’s house, you should try to come”

Them: “oh wow, is it your birthday again already? That means it’s only a few months left til mine.”

You: “Yeah, you want the address to the party, you comin’?”

Them: “hmm… I wonder what I will do or where I will go for my birthday this year.”

You: “um, it’s April right now? Your birthday is not until the end of October.”

Them: “yeah, but you know my birthday is like this big EVENT every year, I gotta do it big”

You: “so yeah, I invited you to a party for mine… whaddyathink?”

Them: “oh, I don’t know if I’mma be able to make it to that”



One thing of note in this conversation is that talking about yourself vs talking about someone else as established is just like a 4-way stop sign when no one is turning right – first come, first serve…

If the conversation is started with a topic, and that topic might be about ANYONE/ANYTHING in the universe – whether or not it is one of the participants in the conversation – any chance taken to turn that conversation into a conversation on one’s self makes them a dick…
Or a “dickbitch,” as my fiancĂ©e calls them when they happen to have come equipped with a vagina.

Worry not!
We have devised a plan with which to deal with these people.
Keep in mind, now, that THIS conversation takes place after you have extended the two more strikes to the individual to be in attendance at your event, only to have them flake out in the most passive-aggressive manner. It ALSO happens to be – and this is the kicker – ONE day after their birthday. Do not call, text, tweet or facebook them on their birthday. It is EXTREMELY fun to do this when you know so many people that EVERY day is a birthday on your FB friends list, as they will see you “happy birthday’ing” all your friends and family, and then NOT them.
Normally, it would be just fine to stop at this, as usually they will have seen this taken place. The fact remains that someone of that mindset usually has the worst tunnel vision and you’ll have to be a little more succinct with it, and I will tell you how…
Ready?

First, make a phonecall

Them: “Hello?”

You: “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

Them: “um, dick… my birthday was yesterday?”

You: “nah uh, it’s today”

Them: “I think I know my own birthday”

You: “hold up, lemme check” **typing furiously** “facebook says here that it’s--… oh shit, damn, my bad. Oops!”

Them: “didn’t you see me talking about it on facebook and twitter”

You: “uh… did you talk to ME about it?”

Them: “I been talking to you about it for months now, remember?”

You: “I remember you making my birthday party a conversation about your own”


This is usually all it will take for this person to take the conversation down in a ball of “whatever” flames and change the subject to avoid facing having brought this shit on themselves.

[Phlip note – either that or they’re LeBron James and will go on a “what do you want me to do?” rant on their twitter. Either way, be prepared to exchange very few pleasantries with this person in the near or probably distant future]


Scene 2…
This one is easiest, as it requires ZERO action on your part.
We all know someone who is an attention whore, and any attention is “good enough,” be it good or bad. We all see the FB posts, we all see the tweets and get the text messages. Hell, some of these people, we even encounter in person (like who does THAT shit anymore these days?) and will for SURE fishing not only for attention, but commentary to prove that attention.

“This weekend, I/I’m gonna…”

“Well, I was…”

“I think…”

“I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I…”


If you could apply one of those filters to their daily conversation patterns like some people do with keywords used in their blogs, the words most employed would be – head and shoulders above ANYTHING else – would be “I,” “me” and “my…”
And it wouldn’t be close.

All you need to do with these people is NOTHING. Don’t engage it, do not acknowledge it any further than to acknowledge ONLY that something was said, but do not go as far as to validate their self-assigned value (poorly) hidden in their words. If this means saying nothing at all, even if having to take the point of completely ignoring them, then so be it. The worst thing to do a raging dopefiend is to deny them their dope. Guess what an attention whore’s dope is?
Hint: it does NOT originate from ketamine.

Game. Set. Match… back to life.


Put a pin in this conversation, I may revisit this subject often and continuously.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Ashton Kutcher Music

Yes, this is directly a play on the title of Rick Ross' song Aston Martin Music.


Allow me first to apologize... A couple of different "car trouble moments," one of them conspiring towards me meeting my maker but deftly avoided, have had me in position to listen to something other than Sean Price in my own car on the way to and from wherever I should so happen to be headed.
That said, I am noticing a pattern (which has likely been in play on “urban” radio for years, but damned if I would know it)… Every third song must include one (or any combination) of either Trey Songz, Drake, Nikki Minaj and/or Rick Ross. Lil Wayne used to employ one of these spots, but a stretch in the pokey downgraded him to once in 5 songs.
The constant, here, though is that I STILL feel like we’re being punk’d.

[Phlip note – see, when have I EVER gotten to my point that fast?]

I can’t find it in myself to believe a damned word that ANY of these motherfuckers utters. Ross taught us that he was a liar once and instead of copping to it, lied harder. Drake… Ugh, never damned mind... I just won't be sold that a dude with an acting career on a teen soap opera drama as the "next big thing" in rap, or that he is NEAR what he pretends to be. Motherfucker goes home and has hot buttered scones with warm Earl Grey tea and wouldn't dream of getting NEAR a groupie, that "I like my chicks in twos" and moscato talk is for the cameras...
And Nikki? If I am to believe her, her mannerisms and her vocal inflections, she is a fucking retard.
I cannot help but concede that she actually CAN rhyme her ass off – whether or not she is actually writing her own work. No shots, but we all know what we know about female rappers and their often dependence on their male counterparts for assistance with things that don’t involve sucking dack and making babies. Hell, sometimes even only the “making babies” part of even that.

[Phlip note – shots fucking fired, sue me]



Anyway…
A part of me dies on the inside whenever I hear this shit, I SERIOUSLY find myself thinking “damn, are you serious?” when hearing this nonsense. There was a time where I knew that there were people who were making better music than this shit, but nowadays I am convinced that they just don’t damned exist.
No, not when an otherwise talented pedophile R. Kelly can put on a performance of an otherwise annoyingly dumb song of his own. Then I wind up having to delete half of the active females I have as friends on Facebook who can only use the performance as a statement that he is better than Trey Songz – again, not that such a thing isn’t obvious. Also, that ain’t saying much either.

So here I find myself, all the while, PRAYING that one day the music stops abruptly and someone yells “you’ve been punked!” and this nightmare comes to an end.

I’m not holding my breath.

Blog Archive