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As the year winds down...
As the year winds down, there are a great many of you who are scribing out your new years’ resolutions. Statistics have shown that 91.8738% (<- the arbitrariness of that number shows that I do my research on these… Trust me, I’m a doctor!) of those resolutions will fail. I am not one to make resolutions at the beginning of the year, I fly through life by the seat of my pants and make irrational decisions to keep shit interesting. However! As a well-established connoisseur (yes, I spelled that right first time without spellcheck) of mistake-making, I am here today to explain and work with you on how to properly fashion your resolutions.
First of all, lose the Kanye line “aim for the stars, so even if you fail you land on a cloud” line of thinking. Aiming too high is where people set themselves for failure right out of the gate. Anyone who would PLAN for failure likely has more deeply underlying issues that need to be addressed, and unfortunately I am not THAT type of doctor. For the sake of self-esteem, one should make a point of being sure that they can reach what they’re goaling for, or goal what they’re reaching for – word to Gil Scott-Heron. With that in mind, I am going to address the idea and spirit of a great many (well, five) resolutions that people make and fail at year in and year out, as only I can.
1 – GAIN weight Every year, on January 1, people buy The Perfect Pushup, ShakeWeight, 6-Second Abs and a ton of motherfucking Billy Blanks DVDs and they tell themselves they will “get right for the summer,” and every year Easter, they are shopping for the same sized clothes they wore for one of their 4 annual forays into church as last year. Then they beat themselves up about it for the remainder of the year… “but I tried so hard,” or “but I [yaddayaddayadda]” or of course the age-old “I'm finna/bout-ta/gonna… starting Monday.” Without fail, the return is always to square one and without fail, they’re super hard on themselves about it.
Well how do we fix it? Simple! Stop making such lofty fucking goals! Seriously, replace “I’mma lose 50 pounds” with “I’mma gain 20 pounds,” and all of a sudden gaining that 20 pounds – or even losing “only” 10 – feels more like an accomplishment than it did the end of the world last year, doesn’t it? The beauty of this is that you have to do literally nothing.
2 – be less-than-savory to those in need Every year, hippies would-be volunteers begin their years marking out their calendars for the dates that they will spend feeding the homeless, volunteering time here and there, protesting things that are usuaually pretty much non-issues and tweeting mercilessly to make themselves feel better. Never mind that they usually never accomplish much more than being annoying and smelling like patchouli. To actually fully go through with everything as planned would be time and effort-intensive, and might just make you kinda tired, now wouldn’t it? This goes not even to mention the money that transporting yourself to these things would be. And seriously, this will be 2011 soon, who has time and effort to give to OTHER people, we got our own problems. Instead of going all out of the way to serve those who can or will not serve themselves, simply pass them by. Offer a condescending “get it together” on the way by if you feel you need to expend ANY energy at all. Hell, THAT will at least give you the satisfaction that comes from the vindication that living better provides. In the train station one day and the blind dude is playing his saxophone with the case open for tips? Drop in a few Canadian pennies and make change. By “change,” I clearly mean change of possession, pick up enough to cover your train fare. See? You’re doing better already and we all always knew that New Years Resolutions were all about bettering ourselves.
This point can be altered to fit your own geographical limitations, naturally.
3 – File bankruptcy this year Fuck, what good will saving money do? You’re going to work like a slave until you’re 70 anyway and you won’t be able to take a DIME of it with you when summoned into the great beyond. I know you think that the very act of bleeding off all of your money might be a bad idea for the general fit-and-finish of living life comfortably in general but don’t worry, we got you. A full tutorial on how to make homelessness work has been written, should it come to that. We all know what a daunting task that financial responsibility can be. Even to a fully responsible person, it can be a major pain in the dick. With the price of everything escalating, it is sure to become a bit more difficult, and we all run a bigger risk of needing to file for a strategic bankruptcy than ever before in our generation’s lives. If you need to bleed off some funds, you can start off by forwarding us all of your life’s savings, we will take it as a gift and properly involve the tax man, I promise. From there, live your life just a little bit financially recklessly – preferrably involving some unsecured debt – and make sure you have ALL the unabashed fun your imagination can muster while doing so. When it comes time to pay the piper, do not call me, instead go ahead and file bankruptcy. While this could be a move damning to your credit rating, don’t think about that. Instead, think of all the FUN you had, look at those nice Jordans on your feet and smile knowing that you did it all the damned way big. Again, you weren’t taking it with you anyway, why SHOULD you want to leave it to the tax man? Fuuuuuuuck saving money, SPEND money!
4 – Find lust You’re getting up in age… You’re friends are all getting involved, getting married and having kids (and not necessarily in that order, but they’re doing it), while you aren’t, doing so under the guise that you’re “doing me,” what in the purple hell ever that means. Love generally takes a lot of intangible effort and emotion. The fruition is the satisfaction of reciprocal love. With an estimated worldwide population of 6.9 BILLION people, the fact remains that a great many people just aren’t going to find love. Continuing a fruitless search for it can only serve to damn the sensitive ego of some of those people and that just ain’t right, now is it? Well is there a way around it? Damn straight there is! See, love has an evil twin sister, and her name is “lust.” It comes with all - well most – of the physical accomplishment with (usually) none of the emotional baggage appended. The beauty of such an thing is that a grand many of that almost seven billion human beings can’t even tell the difference. No need ‘wookin pa nub in all da wrong places’ when a good old-fashioned lust affair will serve the same discernible purpose to all those you want to think are paying attention, whether or not they actually are.
5 – get UNorganized You know what OCD people all have in common? The probability of unprovoked anxiety attacks and other indicators of INSANE stress levels. Who gives a damn about Feng Shui when you have to take a cocktail of antidepressants before your brain will allow you to even face your front yard? Look, this is not to say “become a slob,” just that there is a line to be crossed where “organization” becomes “obsession,” and unfortunately those approaching it too quickly don’t recognize it. If you know WHERE shit is, who is to care HOW it is there, as long as you don’t? Need an example? Sure, my “storage” room in my house somewhat resembles Haiti circa last January 16th, but damned if I can’t tell you the location of ANYTHING I might happen to have put in there. Rather than having obsessed about the location of every little thing and the stress that may accompany such a thing, I am more than chill with stepping over a bin as soon as I step in that door… Just make sure that door stays closed. So yeah, stop worrying about organization, and work in terms of “good enough.”
So there we have it… 5 of the most commonly-employed new years resolutions, complete with how we’ve all been doing them wrong all these years by setting sights entirely too high. Of course, when you told yourself you were gonna make a billion dollars at your next job, that $40k/year offer seems quite insulting, even though it more than supported your lifestyle.