Life, love, hip hop, humor AND instructions on how to cook a bangin'-ass meal... all in one place. I put the words here, make what you want of them.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Parodies of news happenings

With pop culture being what it is, parody of a pop culture piece is usually a safe vehicle for the continuation of your “brand.” With recent developments surrounding the 2012 Republican candidates-to-be, most specifically one Herman Cain, I am of the opinion that RIGHT NOW is the time for one of those infamous “… an XXX parody”.

As ever, and in the same vein as “Whose Nailin’ Palin” from a couple of years back, the title should be cheesy and especially groan-worthy, and this one is no different.

“Spermin’ Cane”

The allegations as presented publicly thus far give us 3 scenes, which I will go into now.

Scene 1
The “harassment” allegations stem from what was said to have taken place at office parties. In the hospitality industry, this naturally usually includes alcohol. So we have our lead, an older black gentleman, drunkenly hitting on his younger white subordinates with every brand of inappropriateness one can imagine.
Naturally, for casting his line 10+ times (perhaps including some descriptive language and/or groping), one of his objects of desire concedes and they go and handle business in a restroom stall.

Scene 2
Now in the car with one of the ladies of his interest to whom he is not married, this one will go JUST as described in the news. He attempts to feel up the lady in his passenger seat who he is supposedly helping to find employment. When she resists, he asks “you need a job don’t you?” and continues by moving her head toward her lap.
Instead of going to the news, she goes along with his requests and the scene continues in the car (or perhaps the back of a limousine).


[Phlip note - this would be a GRAND time for me to add one of those Advertisements I discussed in an earlier post]

Scene 3
No longer CEO, now an up-and-coming politician, Cane is touting his “9-9-9” (which serves PERFECTLY as a double entendre) to any open ears that it may so fall upon, and still behaving badly up to the point of maintaining an extramarital affair with a woman he is financially supporting. Since the alleged real-life affair was with a woman named Ginger, it would make perfect sense that this woman have red hair - a ginger herself.
Rapped for a lack of foreign policy knowledge, he proves his critics wrong by expanding his harem from not only white women to asian and European women as well.

The “out” to the story can come at the very end, where we find the man in a room at an event with ALL of the women he harassed/diddled down through the years… and his wife. Faced with a decision on whether or not to remain in the race, his main advisers all remind him “DO NOT pull out!” at which point we cutaway to fast forward to the closing scene with him and his “wife.”

Roll credits…

jeeze, I am so immature.

Friday, December 2, 2011

"Trickin' ain't easy" -- the Herman Cain story

Have I really allowed the news to get me involved in an election cycle THIS early in the game? With an incumbent, there is only one side of it until next year, and MAN has this side generated a lot of buzz.
Nevermind Rick Perry’s Niggerhead Ranch, Newt Gingrich being a philanderer (and in such, hypocrite) and hothead, Mitt Romney being a flipflopper, Michelle Bachman being Michelle Bachman and Ron Payl being very old; ALL of that pales in comparison to Herman Cain’s apparent trying to use the election to become the next dude to get brained in the oval office.

After Tiger Woods’ situation two years ago, it seems that this will be an every-other-Thanksgiving occurrence, and for the sake of keeping the evening news entertaining, I am cool with this arrangement.
We found ourselves riveted to our screens as one after another (or their lawyers where confidentiality agreements prohibited) came out to discuss their situation with the man who had previously held no public office, but still ran for the Republican nomination for president.

Nothing we were greeted with was particularly as salacious as Clinton’s situations (consensual, by the way) or Kennedy’s before him (likewise and with good reason – it was Marilyn f*ckin Monroe, man!). Public record often trumped the lies Cain tells, apparently practicing for a second career in politics, but man did he keep us listening.
It eventually got to the point where no one heard mention of the “9-9-9” plan, but rebuttals to women he had been or tried to be with.

As it were, considering legal confidentiality and vague tales, we were left with “he-said/she-said” with most of these, with only the frequency and consistency of the stories mounting against Big Daddy Cain serving to legitimize the claims.
Then came Ginger White. 13-year affair is her claim. “we were just friends” was his claim. Married man, giving this woman money, with records of calls and texts from his ACKNOWLEDGED cell phone ready to be shown off. What married (or single) man calls or texts a woman at 4am if it isn’t his wife or an emergency? A good friend’s mother once said “ain’t nothin’ open that time of night but Waffle Houses and legs,” and that is the third time I have been able to use that in my blog.

Most entertaining yet is how I imagined I was hearing his responses and then my own (in italics), of which I am surely not finished…

“man, I don’t know that bish”
“… here’s a picture of you with her”

“I ain’t never settled with NOBODY!”
“… the company you headed paid her a 35k 'agreement' and she had to sign a confidentiality agreement to get it”

“man, these heauxs be LYIN’ son!”
“care to explain these 4am calls and texts to a woman that isn’t your wife?”

“yeah, I send that heaux some money, but we was just friends”
“… Mr Cain, do you hear yourself talking?”

“man, this dude that works for Rick Perry used to work for me, I told him ABOUT some of this stuff, it is coming from PERRY’S camp!”
GOP Leadership: “Mr. Cain, what happens if he gets the nomination and you don’t? please don’t out our snakery like that”
Cain: “LIBERALS DID IT!!!”

A wise man named Antonio Hardy once said that “pimpin’ ain’t easy,” and if the last 3-5 weeks of revelations of the life of one Herman Cain is any indication, apparently Trickin’ ain’t easy either.

In all, this one was played by the book.

  1. Deny, deny, deny

  2. Blame the "victim" (or accuser)

  3. Blame the media

  4. Blame the "liberals"

  5. Total no-sell, ignore it like it didn't happen, or disappear for a little while and hope it all goes away
This late in the game, #5 is not an option, and may be the backbreaker of the whole situation.

Suffice it to say, when this situation buries Herman Cain’s presidential aspirations, it will take his attempts at a political career with it.

“Blame the liberals/Democrats” was actually a bad stance to take on this one. They would LOVE to have a political rookie with ZERO public office experience and even less foreign policy understanding to make their election a total layup. Why make the man talk about policy when he is too busy fighting extracurricular stuff? Hell, the smart move if this were a Democrat move would be to wait until the real elections and not now.
The blame for this one clearly can only be placed within Herman Cain’s own party, specifically with himself (in my opinion, of course).

As with anything of this nature, I am eating this up!
Not only because I like to see someone step into a ring in which they do not belong and get knocked the fux out – which I do – but because this is REAL reality TV, not that scripted shit they sell on VH1 and that channel that the Kardashians apparently own.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

By hook, or by hook, or by hook... Internet Spam rappers

Among other things, one of my day jobs/pastimes is as one of 5 Admins over a web forum that, as of when I type this, has 106,310 members.
You can imagine the amount of traffic a forum of that stature does in a normal day, which makes it quite the valued resource to members and advertisers. Unfortunately this leaves it as a value to spammers as well, and lord knows the Bot Network is HARD at work, as we bust up your standard “unlocked cellphone,” “ED drugs,” “streaming content” and “replica clothes/jewels” posts on the daily.

Suffice it to say that I KNOW what an annoyance it is to be sold something that I have not agreed to be sold. I mean, I watch sporting events fully understanding that there will be advertisements all over the arenas and commercials every 5-9 minutes. That said, when I go to FaceBook or Twitter from my desktop, the last thing I want is to be inundated with link after link after link after post about your music site, about your “best hip-hop blog on the net” about your Reverb Nation page, and your “music-specific” Twitter account…
If you’re on my FB and have access to some of the most mundane details of my existence, suffice it to say I consider you a close enough personal acquaintance to allow you that access. With that in mind, when you post a link to your own music, I will try it once, as many as three times to decide whether or not to like it, whether to follow your blog or click “like” on a post or a vid. If 3 weeks have past, conscious decisions have been made to or not to do so, trust me.

If you’ve posted the same link 8 times in 3 days and it only has 10 views and the only comment is your own, then perhaps your work is not as good as you pretend it is. And every time posted after that first one went up with ZERO impressions then you became one of the spammers I described in the first paragraph, and that is applicable to any form of unsolicited advertising. As per standard operating practices, the natural next step is not to go back to the drawing board and make something that is actually enjoyable.

Look… I respect the fact that you’re trying to do something to get yourself out of your mother’s house without it involving helping yourself to any of the electronics in my living room, really I do. The fact, however, remains that if I were interested in your music, I would have liked your FB music page without you needing to ask me to, and the number of personal friends whose music pages I like should speak to that fact.

It will be seen in no way as endearing or as you "being on your grind" to continue throwing your music up in peoples' faces who have already exercised their right to indifference. No, my indifference does not make me a "hater," shouldn't EVER bring into question whether or not I am a "real nigga," nor does it ever at any point stamp me as "fake."

Funny how “underground” hip hop has evolved over the last 12 years. First, it was a group of artists who were more about the music than the scene, then it became those same artists pissed at people who were “on” because they sold huge numbers of otherwise shitty music.
Now, though? It is people – at least down here – who do their best Jeezy/Gucci/TI impersonations, and following the lead to a tee they make “mixtapes” where they often rhyme over other peoples’ beats - or use ones made by their friends with inferior production techniques – stamp their music as “trap certified” (ACTUAL words he used) and become hostile when you tell them you aren’t interested.

… and y’all wonder why I have come to dislike black people?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Billy Bobb the Boss

Much has been said about BAWSE rapper Rick Ross and his choice for a rap name, considering that he chose to use the name of someone who was at the time serving a sentence for selling crack to turn and sell made-up stories about his own life while selling crack.

There is no secret that Ross’ (the rapper, not the crack peddler) real name is William Roberts. In the scheme of things, and among the nicknaming convention, that would be shortened to “Billy Bob.”
Ever the silly-ass, I thought to myself that perhaps he would be better served to have used the “Billy Bob” moniker to rap under.

Now to why this is so silly…
The natural first-to-mind when we think of “Billy Bob” is the dude who quite probably bumped uglies with Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball. However, if you grew up in what is now the 336 areas of North Carolina back when it was still the 910 (and then 919) area of North Carolina, and are at least 29 years of age by my estimation then you remember “Billy Bobb” as this Goober motherfucker who presided over an afternoon kids show, and a late-night horror/sci-fi show on one of the local news stations.


[link]



Billy Bobb was a bit of a “local celebrity,” if you could call someone of his ilk that, often speaking or generally showing up at schools and/or kid-friendly events and being generally silly as hell, comedian Dana Lowell NEVER breaking character.


Anyway…

Back to the Bawse. I would sooner want to see him parlay the Billy Bobb role as his rap name and persona. I mean, we have been seeing “crack” rappers since the mid-to-late 80s and all up through the 90s and since.
However, to see him employing the silly fucking laugh and repeating “TOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!” at anything ever spoken in his direction JUST might make my month.

Furthering the nonsensical musings of my 11/11/11 afternoon (as I type this) stupor, how awesome would it be if not only did he get into the Billy Bobb character, and THEN do the same songs he has to this point, with the same lyrics and subject matter, only in the Billy Bobb voice?


You can pretty much nix any daydreams you may have had about me using Billy Bob Thornton for this one, as he has had a decently enviable life, what with the aforementioned making Halle feel good and having been married to Angelina Jolie – who I personally do not find that attractive – at one point as well. No need in serving William Roberts Jr. the rapper a life that people might want to have themselves as his stage act.


I mean, because I have daydreamed sillier shit on my lunch breaks.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Third Friday in October

...
(yes, I know that "mammarial" is not a word, or was not until now)
I'd originally posted this blog in October 2007, and as the date draws near again my mind has not changed one little bit, nor has the importance of the subject at hand, so here goes...



Do you know what this week is?
According to NYC Cancer Prevention, the 3rd Friday in every October is "National Mammography Day."
I know what you're thinking, "But Phillip, you don't have titties," and the jokes of my man-boobs are damn near moot, as they are just about gone now. I DO have a sense of humor about myself and I know that I am still not a small person by any stretch of the imagination, but I digress...
I have taken on the vigil, as a member of the Straight Male Pride Foundation (AKA the "anti-zesty coalition," PKA the "take off them fuckin' skinny jeans frontline"), proudly led by our own Simon Stone, to make sure that no woman misses out on their mammogram this coming Friday. I work for a company in the healthcare industry, so I am 100% sure and clear of the shortcomings in availability and affordability of healthcare -- damn that Obamacare farce...
What I am willing to do to help out and "do something" for those who are lacking in coverage is to have all women, local or not, so long as transportation can be provided (and the city bus has stops one block either direction from my house), come over to the house and I will perform the mammogram myself.
One may stop to think for a moment, and may then ask "well what the fuck are your credentials?" And I will answer:

1) I am a man, a flaming heterosexual man at that.
2) I loves me some boobies, so much to the point that I would hate to see ANY lost due to any level of lack of preventive diagnosis.
3) I have the internet in my home, my job, both have high-speed connections with access to both Google and Wikipedia, both of which can, have and will become the rabbit hole from which ANYTHING in the world can be learned and properly applied, be they useful and/or legal or not.
4) Did I mention that I am a heterosexual man who loves boobies and would hate to see anyone ever lose theirs?


Yes, I know this seems like the plight of a man who is simply looking to feel up a whole lot of titties for some cheap personal thrill, but I assure that to be furthest from the God's honest truth. I mean, I could put up pictures of all that I love about them and I would make you want to join in the vigil and make sure that everyone gets their mammogram, but that would border crass and unnecessary, since we ALL know what breasts look like and, in such, what we love about them.
Everyone who is insured, please go out on Friday and get checked out. Everyone who is not (and is not related to me or close friend of family, because that would be WEIRD) please give me a ring, I will be waking up at 6:45am and preparing for work, but will be back home at about 5:25pm... Most of you already have the phone number, and those of you who do not know how to get it.

In all seriousness; ladies, take care of yourselves, preserve two of the most gorgeous of God's creations.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Special Agent: Santa Claus

Part of me wants to feel bad for thinking it the actions of a reasonably-thinking human being to scribe something like this with a small child recently having moved into my house…

The other side of me says “stop being a little bitch and keep typing, fa**got…”

As things often go between the angel on one and devil on the other shoulder, here I am at the keyboard about to scribe some fantastically irresponsible shit. Today, we will be rationalizing the reasons that I feel that Santa Claus is actually a government agent.
We can use the most popular work about the man’s dealings – “Santa Claus is coming to town” – to tie these things together.

You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why:

Santa Claus is coming to town!

He's making a list,
He's checking it twice,
He's gonna find out
who's naughty or nice.

Santa Claus is coming to town!

He sees you when you're sleeping,
He knows when you're awake.
He knows when you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!

1. He’s making a list and checking it twice… is this a no-fly, most wanted or one of those other list that the US Patriot Act allows?

2. He’s gonna find out whose naughty or nice… prisons are filled with the information gleaned from this, sometimes even based upon erroneous or outright fabricated information.

3. He knows when you are sleeping… because there is surveillance on EVERY household in the world.

4. He knows when you’re awake… because your energy provider is required to inform the government on spikes in electricity use in real-time to suggest just when you are awake.

5. He knows if you’ve been bad or good… all that surveillance isn’t for nothing at all.

6. … So be good for goodness sake… if the plight’s of one Troy Davis and many other political prisoners down through the years are to be believed, this one doesn’t even fucking matter at the end of the day.

And all of that is arrived to simply based upon a song written before Santa had even one-sixteenth the firepower and technology he enjoys in 2011.

Now, to quote my favorite movie, “the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
As kids, we’re given roughly 8-10 years to believe that Santa Claus is real, then comes the crashing pseudo reality that he was a fabrication. Again, as kids, we go for BOTH stories hook line and sinker… The fact apparently remains that Santa Claus has instead gone further into his missions and needs the cover that comes from peoples’ belief that he was never real in the first place.

Think about it, though… The government NEEDS workers on the level and with the specific skillset that Santa Claus enjoys.

· The trust to enter and exit homes totally unvetted

· The knowledge of who is doing what

· The omniscience of everyone’s desires

· The ability to cover VAST distances – the entire world at midnight on the dot in each individual time zone in one night? – in little to (literally) no time

… and to think, my hard earned tax dollars have been going to pay an as-yet unknown number of FBI, CIA, and “Sector 7” employees as apparent decoys while all the REAL work is being done by some jolly fatman in a red suit with some reindeer.

Ain’t that a BITCH?!!?

Looking at this as I see this, this is a classic story-switching, in which we’re told to believe one thing, then told that what we were JUST told to believe was not real and that it is all supposed to up and just disappear. Well dammit in my opinion that first thing is as it was all along, with the exception that it was NEVER what we were told it was in the first place.

I really should stop making posts like this, lest my daughter will find my blog when she is old enough to read and navigate a computer unsupervised and I find myself totally fucked by posts like this.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

A League of Their Own

Title not to be confused with movies about baseball

As it begins to look more and more like I will not be granted an NBA season this year, I was thinking of what I would do with myself.

Then the Knicks’ Amar’e Stoudemire made an asinine statement about “we should start our own league,” which I INITIALLY responded to with “shut the ham-fat up, you fucking idiot” and then I sat a day and thought about it for a little while.

For the sake of the exercise we are to assume that the teams will be self-coached, and that regular event planners and the players’ agents will hash out the monetary details beyond what we will discuss shortly.

What we know:

· There are currently 30 NBA teams that each suit 10-12 players for action every night.

· Some of those players already have or will sign with foreign teams to continue to earn a paycheck play ball while the lockout goes on.

· Some of those players still have either made enough or properly managed their money and/or “brand” to where they won’t NEED to play ball during this fiasco. They will take advantage of this situation to rehab ailments and/or just take a vacation and have some adventures.


What I think I know:

· If the NCAA tournament every year has told me nothing, it is that there are at least 12 venues in the United States that can hold enough people for a big-draw game. I live 7 miles from one of them.

· Players’ sponsors (shoe/clothing companies, food vendors, etc…) pay players big money for their likenesses to be used in commercials, getting those same likenesses on the TV when the “traditional” method is not available is easily sponsored by those same people. Get used to NASCAR-style logos, but hey nothing is free.

· Some players are likely good enough to be a draw overseas, but would rather stay and attend to their mistresses in their home country, where they know the water is safe to drink.


Where am I going with this?:

The players CAN start their own league and it could actually work, and here’s how…

The best 5 willing players on a given team – one for each position – remaining after players have decided to play overseas or take the time off will be the participants.
Team assignments will be done in the style of my childhood pickup games… shoot for it from the top of the key. The first player at each position to make his shot is on the first team and so on and so forth. Continue until all 12 teams are filled.

Events planners will work with venue owners/management to gain use of stadiums, strategically placed with two in each of the southeast, northeast, north and south Midwest, northwest and southwest regions of the United States. Ticket/parking sales would pay event staff, and any overage goes to the players. Yes, literally ANY overage, so this is to be considered when skyboxes are sold on a per-event basis.

Teams would practice daily like they would with any professional organization, but would be self-coached, as the NBA coaches are employees of the owners and cannot have professional contact with the players.

ALL revenue – advertising, overage from ticket sales after event staff is paid, TV rights and (perhaps, if it comes to that) pay-per-view – money is put into one big pot and is shared EQUALLY by the players. No player is paid any more than another for their on-court performance. That piece of the pie can be left to be paid by off-court advertisers like Nutella and Durex.

Wait, did I say PPV?
I surely did… See, the major TV outlets for basketball all have contractual obligations to the NBA already. Realistically, this leaves us with CBS, NBC and FOX for televising these games. I have yet to imagine how many games this would be or if I would simply make it a round robin tournament lasting no longer than two months, but if one of those groups does not pick up this league, then we are looking to PPV to push these out to your living rooms.

In all seriousness, though, I am just daydreaming… I find the prospects of the players unifying well enough to start their own league to be highly bleak. This one would die on the doorstep of the “best 5 players on the team” decision when someone like Baron Davis tries to invite himself into the league and fisticuffs ensue.

Not that “starting our own league” was ever the answer to the problem in the first place. As ever, I side with the millionaires being paid huge money to play a game in a highly profitable manner. I am under the impression that they, in that they take on 100% of the physical risk so the owners can make good on their fiduciary input/risk in the situation. If 384 people are 100% of the visible talent, then they’re doing a FAVOR to allow the overseers 47% of Basketball Related Income. Remember that the owners KEEP anything they make NOT basketball related, most especially the value of possession that are their teams.

Give me more than an hour to think about this, and I might be able to come up with a better working model for this league thing.

Monday, September 26, 2011

If the lockout persists...

This is going to be a LONG fall/winter for me without NBA basketball…
Yes, I know I will have NCAA ball from November through the beginning of April, but that is just not the same to me…

Know who ELSE is going to miss those millionaires running up and down the court?
TNT/TBS, ESPN/ABC and NBATV are all going to be HURT for the missing content.

I thought to myself about what WOULD they put in the slots that are at this moment still allotted for the televising of NBA games this coming season if there happens to be no (or a shortened) season?

This weekend, NBATV showed some “Hardwood Classics” games from years past, and the younger generation may have gotten to see a time where teams like Phoenix, Indiana, Portland and the New York Knicks all pretended to be credible threats to win an NBA championship. Yes, it was all pretending because of that Michael Jordan guy, and Hakeem Olajuwon while MJ went to pretend to be a baseball player to avoid suspension over gambling.

[Phlip note – yes, I believe that theory]

Anyway, while watching a couple of old games, it hit me…

If there are no NEW games being played, then perhaps they should fill television spots with PREVIOUS games between the teams in question! Some things to keep in mind, though, are that not all teams are where they were, and one team didn’t even exist before, so we can only go back so far for some teams. This would be fun when, say, the New Orleans Hornets play against the OKC Thunder and the game they show is one between the CHARLOTTE Hornets and Seattle Supersonics.

I am not sure how the likeness rights for this would go, or the logistics of whether or not they would have to pay the locked out players, but this could be quite interesting as a stop-gap between not having basketball and having basketball to watch.
This would be completely SCREWED when the playoffs come, but I am more than willing to cross that bridge if I get to it, and I am hoping to not have to.

I know that this is highly unlikely to take place, even if there is not an NBA season this year but that doesn’t stop this from being an interesting idea in the least. Either way, we have 5 weeks until the scheduled start of the season and no end to this nonsense in sight…

Can we PLEASE end this lockout nonsense?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Why I should probably not run a pr0ns production company

As ever, the course of conversations come to me thinking of means to be an ass in the face of what people usually enjoy, even if this entails the adding of elements that they HATE about things they love...

  • 4am reruns of 80s sitcoms
  • Comedy central
  • Pr0ns

Those are things that people generally enjoy, no?

Well during those 4am rerun sessions and on Comedy Central at ANY time of the day, you WILL be subjected to the tearjerker “send us some money” commercials with Sarah McLachlan and a half-mutilated domesticated animal set to the tune of music that could make a Georgia prosecutor cry.

Many of us love pr0ns too, and what’s not to love about it?
I will TELL you what’s not to love about it is that 15 minutes of advertising at the beginning of the DVD that NO DVD player is equipped to skip without 10 minutes of button pushing. While I am convinced that the hassle that these ads were a large part of what drove millions of perves from DVD to the internet, I am sure that I could use them in my “whose day can I fuck up” quests.
I arrived to the means of simply starting a porn production house, where we distribute DVDs and such.

Imagine it now… You’ve bought a porn DVD, and gotten home with it and your wife is not home yet. You put it in the player and you’re in the middle of a scene, Lex Steele is pulverizing some unseemly allegedly “amateur” woman and the scene is nearly over, with the promise of more.

… and then…

“Gaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhdammit,” this could become the new RickRoll.

What makes it worse is that it is programmed on the disc in the same manner of the aforementioned unskippable ones, so you’re left with no choice but to sit through the commercial or turn the DVD player off altogether.
Needless to say, if you were doing what many people do when such cinema is in view, then the mood with which to do so has surely now been killed. You may even find yourself so fucked up over it that your wife will come home and find you in the act.

The homie Jamal has convinced himself that a company of this ilk would become the first porno company to CAUSE Erectile Dysfunction with that kind of business model…
but MAN would it be entertaining.

And all this comes from a quick conversation in response to a vid I posted on FaceBook on Saturday.

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