How to have a bad day

Y'all know that some of the silliest things I write come from conversations with the deranged individuals that I interact with on a daily basis...
I am pretty sure I was baited into this one by masterbaiter, Jamal... He started with the line of conversation that would be the first couple paragraphs, then sat back knowing what I would do with it.

Bastard...
Anyway, hilarity ensued, so we shall share with you.


Imagine that one night, you’re on the way home from BFE and you experience some car trouble…
“no sweat, I’ll just ring up AAA, they’ll come get me” only to realize that you have ZERO signal. Now it gets real… You must now do what people did before every 6th-grader had their own cell phone – not that the cell phone has mattered right now – you look for a house with the lights on and ask them to let them use their phone, praying that you’re not met with a shotgun through the opening door.
And in this wholly fictional, yet VERY plausible situation, this is where it gets interesting.

*Knocks on door…*
Homeowner: “who is it?”
You: “It’s [first and last names]”


Door cracks slightly, then opens…
“come on in!” the person says. You push through the door and walk into the foyer, noticing that while the lights are on, they’re very dim for some odd reason.

“What’re you doin’ out here?” a voice says from around the corner.

You attempt to respond with “My car broke down up the road a piece, and I was wondering if I could--…”
“Why don’t you have a seat over there?”
the voice interrupts, coming from the next room into sight. “I’m Dateline’s Chris Hansen… So what was that you were saying about what you were doing out here?”

That’s right… Of all times your car breaks down, the only house you can find to go to for help is the bust house that Dateline has set up for the evening.

Hansen: “Yeah, so what was that you were saying?”

You: “I was saying that my car is broken and I need the phone.”

Hansen: “Oh? Funny, because we have a copy of your IM conversations here.”

You: “IM?”

Hansen: “Yes, are you not ‘BishopEddieLongstroke69’ on chatroulette?”

You: “haha, bishopeddielongstroke… That is REALLY funny, you’re funny Chris Hansen, but no that ain't me.”

Hansen: “No jokes here… You think that telling a 13 year-old boy that you want to put your [censored] in his [too young to be talking about by anyone who isn’t the sentencing judge] is funny?”

You: HELL no! In fact, let someone try that with one of MY nephews and there will be a PROBLEM”

Hansen: “Riiiight… So these promises of gifts and trips ‘when you turn 16’ can be explained off by some alleged breakdown you’ve had?”

You: “YES!!! That is what I been saying since I walked in the door!”

Hansen: “Riiiight, so what about all these requests for pictures in varying compromising – and illegal – positions?”

You: “Um… Car broke down outside, can I use the phone? And what’s up with all these cameras?”

Hansen: “You’re on Dateline, that’s what’s up with the cameras, and unfortunately there will be no use of the phone to call anyone but your lawyer.”

You: “Actually, no. I’m outta here. Thanks for nothing, eat a dick Chris Hansen.”


Now any of us who has EVER watched these sting operations on Dateline knows what happens next… PedoBear storms out of the house and into the front yard, where an ENTIRE task force is waiting on him with Billy Clubs ready to do what they do best. Now you’re having your face, ribs and asshole (pause) rearranged live on camera.
Meanwhile during the beatdown, Chris Hansen is sitting inside doing his paperwork and getting everything together for the DA, looking and sorting through images that the alleged perpetrator – who by the way was only arriving to the house in time to see the cops roughing you up and quickly skipped the fuck out of there as a result – noting differences in skin tone and tattoos. He nearly chokes on, then spits out his drink and dashes outside to stop the onslaught; “guys wait, we got the wrong… oh FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—...“

Yeah, you’ve officially now had the worst day of your life.
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