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Friday, January 27, 2012

Fire your Congressman!

As Seen on The Intersection of Madness and Reality...

While some might be quick to cite the failures to right the ship that is America as all the more reasoning to get that ni--... uh, let’s not go there today... “Marxist” out of office this coming November, I happen to prescribe to a different line of thinking personally…
Me? I am more of the opinion that a president is only as effective or as shitty as his Congress. If Congress stands behind and promotes his bad ideas into failure, or allow party lines to cause them to bristle at and hamstring the good ones, then Congress is JUST as much on the hook as is the president.

I’m sure the question is being asked, then, where am I going with this?
It’s really quite simple (and thank you for asking, by the way)... the “revolution” we need is not tied to any anarchist “chant down Babylon” or overthrow the government measures. Warren Buffett is quoted as saying

"I could end the deficit in 5 minutes. You just pass a law that says anytime there is a deficit of more than 3% of GDP, all sitting members of Congress are ineligible for re-election.”

As I understand it, Congress themselves would have a hand in making this into law, and in such will NEVER cut their own heads off when many of them are treating this as an entitled lifetime job, thanks to nepotism, partisan politics and dumb luck. Hell, a perfunctory Google search of “Congressmen by age” tells me that 38 of them are beyond the normal US retirement age of 67 already. That suggests to me that you would either have to drag them from their positions kicking and screaming, being them out in a coffin or simply elect someone else into their place.

Wait, you mean to tell me that these are elected positions and these incompetent lummoxes are in their positions after enough people made the subjective decision to allow them to remain there? I will not go into what that does to my opinion of the voting public, except to say “shit, we all make mistakes sometimes,” but we can SURELY do something to fix it.

If any of us came in to work on Monday morning and did as SHITTY a job as Congress does, then we could expect to be fired by Tuesday. When one factors in the fact that some members of Congress go out of their way to dig in their heels and PURPOSELY not do some things that make sense simply because of WHO presented said ideas would be akin to insubordination and should also be met with a firing.
Since the only way to get a Senator or House Rep “fired” is for them to break a law, the people should take these things into their own hands and fire them ourselves.
“how?” you ask? Every other year for the House and every 6 years for the Senate, the incumbents are up for re-election. If the sitting members have presided over a skid as many in place have between the end of the Clinton administration, then on through the Bush and now Obama years, then they too should be fired by simply not being re-elected.

Never mind party affiliation, never mind who is Liberal, Conservative, Moderate or what the hell ever. If a sitting Congress oversees a continuing quagmire as we’re currently in, the only sensible decision is to simply vote for whoever opposes the incumbent. No, don’t stop and consider friends or party members when doing so, no one should recognize anyone who remains on the other side of this. Considering that all but 12 were born in 1960 or before, we could call this an “early retirement” at best, and most effectively a “firing.” Either way you slice it, the voting public showing up en masse to show their Congresspersons that they WILL show up and get rid of the dead weight politicians who claim to love America out of one side of their mouth, but show with their actions something wholly different, that they must go and if the next group coming in cannot get their act together, then they too will be removed.
On the whole, this would put an end to career politicians who have made their lives dangling the proverbial carrot in front of their constituents as a means of preserving their own pensions when none of the people who put them in that position will be so lucky. It would also show sitting members of congress that the voters are no longer interested in taking any shit. If you want to remain in your position, then the onus is wholly on you as a group to HONESTLY reach across the aisle for solutions beneficial to the American public, lest you will soon BECOME a member of the general American public.

If the fear of an accelerated tumble from grace doesn’t scare them into getting it together, then I am out of ideas.
Ladies and gentlemen, FIRE YOUR CONGRESSMAN!!!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

"New Year, New Me"... I will help you prove it

Maybe I am a victim of the effectively lowered expectations as it relates to the every-January-ever influx of peoples’ sure-to-be-abandoned New Years Resolutions. Rather than entertain anyone’s promises of a better life for themselves, their health or their kids (jeeze, what kind of animal lies to their kids like that?!) I prefer to lend a cynical ear to their statements.

“New year, new me!” on January 1 is categorically met with “funny, you still look like the same ignant ass from yesterday.”

The en-masse pilgrimage to gyms the world over is generally followed by an equally epic exodus of them less than 100 days following… churches too!

As with anything, I discussed this aesthetic with a good friend of mine this morning and the idea was tossed in to start a motivational company in which we publicly call out people on their resolution du jour ON THEIR FACEBOOK WALLS for all their friends to see, say every evening about 5ish.

· “… read any of that bible today?”

· “so you can come home and play Madden til 2am, but too tired for the gym today?”

· “[n-word], that BETTER not be a cigarette!”

· “one mile, run it… it isn’t dark yet”

· “your wife is in the bedroom right now… I bet you money you could get her naked if you could tear yourself away from Modern Warfare for an hour or two. it’d save your marriage”

· “new shoes?! Is your light bill current?”

· “when was the last time you talked to your granny?”

I could go on, but I am quite sure you get it. The message posted would be customized to the individual customer’s (more on that in a minute) resolution(s) of choice.

The caveat is that the customer MUST understand that, unlike most other self-help organizations they may have tried in the past, we possess ZERO loyalties to their little punkass feelings, so they best become supremely acquainted with the fear of the embarrassment that failure would bring upon them being a strong motivator.
It is one thing to make a New Years Resolution and tell everyone about it then have it fall silently to the wayside while they stop thinking about it, but it is something WHOLLY different to have it placed on blast every evening as soon as you have gotten home from work for all those same people to see as you fail it miserably. By this logic, the only means of saving face is to be able to respond “yes I am/did” when challenged as to whether or not you have been conforming to what you’d set forth for yourself…

As with anything, this program has a cost…
20 non-refundable dollars per person, per month, to be due up front. This will get you a DAILY harassment reminder to stick to your program, with penalties (we’ll say $10 per resolution per month) due for failure to make goals.

Sure, we should all be able to foot $20/month for minor stuff, I swear I am preserving a ton more than that in not having paid for beer in almost 3 months now. Unassing that kind of money in order to be motivated into doing what you’d promised to do already, sort of as an insurance policy of sorts, should not be a huge deal when it comes down to it.

And here, all this time, we thought “Motivation” was nothing more than a stupid-ass song by Kelly Rowland. The major difference and supreme motivator here is the avoidance of exposure of one’s own sloth to their closest friends and family on their FaceBook walls.

And if that isn’t worth $240 a year to someone otherwise unable to remain motivated, then damn I don’t know what would be.