Posts

Showing posts from 2016

True Story©... New Year, New You!

True Story©…
                I am here to help you ACHIEVE that “new you” in the new year.
I know I have said this before, but I was on some New Year bullshit too at the time.  We all go through it sometimes, I ain’t mad at myself.  So here’s how it will go.  Sometime between December 30th (that would be Friday) and January 2 (Monday), you will PayPal me $25 or $50 and provide me with a contact email and phone number.
What you will also include is WHAT about you it is that you need to leave behind in 2016.
With the $25 plan, I simply call you every day and email you every afternoon to remind you that you’re still doing the same ol shit that you've BEEN doing every other year that you tried to reinvent yourself and that every year on 12/31 you’re still miserable for the same reasons you were on 01/01.  The underlying aim of this approach is to anger you into action, even if that action includes coming to my house – or sending someone to my house – to be shot dead in my front yard.

True Story©... Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

True Story©…

                Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

This is one that has been up for debate for many years.  We’re to understand that Santa already had his reindeer fleet set to go, and all of a sudden another one shows up out of nowhere with a bright red nose?  Nah dawg, that ain’t how the story went.  It CAN'T be.  Today, I am here to lay it out for real.

                We readily believe that Santa handles his Christmas duties every year with the same 8 reindeer; Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen…  Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (admit it, you sang that shit, didn't you?).  All of a sudden, after 100 years there is a new reindeer at the North Pole?  HOW LONG WAS THIS DUDE THERE?!!?  And to make the story just a little more juicy, how about the fact that one that no one was allowed to see or hear of him from the beginning of the Santa Claus story in 1839 to the discovery of Cocaine in the late 1850s and then still remaining COMPLETELY hidden until the story they…

True Story©... Outside the Library...

True Story©…
                Sometimes I like to sit and listen to OTHER people’s True Story©.
In my current position, I am downtown Burlington NC.  Before August, my building was right across the street from the public library.  One consistent in the whole of the United States of America is that a public library will draw the infirmed; homelesses, unemployed--…  the needy public in general.  I don’t judge people for their outward appearances any more than a reasonable person would – and trust, ALL people do if they admit or not – but sometimes I would sit outside on my lunch breaks when I was up there or will walk by when I walk around the block now on breaks/lunches and I talk to people about their stories.
                I have gotten a lot of good stories: -A woman who had a couple of kids by a drug dealer who did well by them until getting caught, but literally didn’t know how to hold down a household when he was gone and now was in this position during the days because her gran…

True Story©... Sleepwalking/Live Dreaming

True Story©…
                It’s been said that one way to have control over your dreams is to sleep with the TV on.  Me?  I sleep to ESPN or whatever comes on after the last NFL or NBA game I watched, so for years I have lived these wild fantasies of mystical worlds from Supernatural, I have solved crimes on Bones, a combination of the crime and mystical on Grimm and this is JUST from the nights that TNT carries NBA games!  I am pretty sure that some of the recipes I have dreamt up come from me falling asleep on Chopped on Tuesday nights.
Anyway, you get it…
                Sometimes, I crash at my girlfriend’s place and her television Du Jour while sleeping is the 24 hour informative murder porn channel ID Discovery…
THIS creates a new obstacle, as I am often unaware if I need to wake up and defend myself or wake up and make that phone call to my three most top people to have a hole dug in the middle of nowhere ready for me to drop something off that we shall never EVER discuss ag…

Maybe Hip Hop ISN'T dead... 2016 was actually pretty damned good

Truth told, 2016 was not a bad year for the kind of hip hop that I listen to.
Jan 15 – Lecrae: Church Clothes 3
                You know what?  I tried to sleep or let this dude be what he is outside of my view because he was a Christian rapper, but I gave this one a few objective listens later in the spring in the car and really enjoyed it.
Jan 15 – Torae: Entitled
                I was worried about this album because he launched it off of a Kickstarter campaign…
What that allowed him to do, though, was whatever in the fuck ever he wanted to do.  If that means Praise does several beats, we get introduced to the album artist’s cousin on the album, we have to listen to a spoken liner notes/outro or see Phonte show up with one of the best verses of 2016, then the independence of the album leaves us free to experience all of that.  And we were better for it.
Apr 15 – Royce Da 5’9”: Layers
Almost 8 months have now passed and I am STILL forcing people to take this album in for the first t…

True Story©... Please heed the warnings

True Story©…                 Sometimes I operate opposite of my apparent plan to see the world burn and try to warn people that they’re about to do something SUPER stupid.  Unfortunately, 98.772% of the time, these attempts fall on deaf ears and people wind up failing anyway.
You see it all the time on FaceBook…
“I just won $700 on a scratchoff”
                “I’m pregnant”
                “I’m gay”
                “I think I am in love with someone”
                “I still love my ex”
                “If you’re in High Point and have $15, you can come get this pussy”
                “I’m moving to Mongolia for a new job!”
                “I caught my husband cheating, someone come help me get rid of this body”

…  and this is where I find it in myself to get involved.                 Someone on my timeline posted that last one.  Well, someone on my timeline posted one of EACH of these (except the $15 one, that is an inside joke), but I figured the one that might get someone touched…

True Story©... That Time I Wrote To Penthouse

True Story©…                 Wait, I need to set up a little background before I get all the way into this one.
One of the things for boy children that comes from the separation from your father right as you enter adolescence is that sex ed is left to a gym teacher who is uncomfortable dealing with presenting factual information while being responded to with snickering.  The only other place to get it is from the streets, and by “streets,” I mean the older dudes in the neighborhood and peers and such.
Fact: this is a SHITTY way to learn something so important and is one of the reasons that teenage pregnancies were so prevalent when I was in high school.                 Now, True Story© time.
One time when I was 18 or 19, I was CONVINCED that I should write in to Penthouse Forum.  For those who don’t know or won’t Google, Penthouse Forum was a magazine with raunchier pictures than playboy and a section where people would write in to brag of their sexual conquests.  At 37, I am CONVINC…

True Story©... The Job Interview

True Story©…

                Confidence is EVERYTHING. I realize that I have been using this space to tell silly stories with little in the sphere of life lessons.  For that, I apologize and intend to make it up to you.  Today’s discussion is how having your chest out and being confident can go FAR in getting you where you want and need to be.
Since the only way I know to tell you these things is through a totally real anecdotal True Story© of things that have happened in my life, we will peek in on me in a job interview from back when I first got home from the Military…
                Interviewer: “Well Mr Evans, what can you tell us about yourself?”
                Me: “Well as indicated on my CV here, I am recently home from the military.”
                Interviewer: “Oh?  Which branch?”
                Me: “Basically whichever they needed me in on a particular day, I am what you might call a specialist.”
                Interviewer: “And where did you serve?”
                Me…

True Story©... The SECOND Time DARE Ruined my Life

True Story©…

                Did I ever tell y’all about the time I got an assault charge?  Worry not, you’re about to read about it now. Back when I had my previous car, I refrained from putting a sound system in it because I ONLY bought the car as a soulless appliance and not to necessarily enjoy.  That said, I spent a lot of time listening to (and learning to fucking HATE) commercial radio all over again after 15 years without it.  I heard a spot one day where they were doing acting casting calls at a convention center here in town on a day I had previously taken as a Mental Health™ day from work.  Basically, they would interview random folks to see if they could be placed with agencies, no experience needed, all comers would be spoken to between the hours of 10am and 4pm.  With nothing to do that day, I got my hair cut clean and brushed my waves up nicely, groomed the beard and put on some good clothes and headed over.
                When I arrived, the line was BEASTLY!  I mean…

True Story©... Love in the TSA

True Story©…
                Fact: EVERY dude will find himself in a bit of a drought sometime or another in his life.  Some take to extreme measures to get themselves out of their funk.  These measures include paying for it, thirsting at every juncture, begging for it, tricking off on a couple of bills or expensive meals or (perhaps most reasonably) investing in some internets porn and resolving the issue in-house.
Anyway, a few years ago, I was in a bit of a slump and considering I don’t thirst, beg or pay and pr0ns was getting boring to me, I had to come up with something.
                It so happened that this was RIGHT around the time that the thwarted shoe and underwear bombers situations took place, so increased TSA scrutiny in airports began.  Soon after that, complaints of people being felt up by creepy TSA agents started rolling in.
…  and I had an idea.
I would book a quick cheap flight to somewhere close, like maybe Charlotte or DC or something like that so as to get a …

True Story©... Trolling for entertainment

True Story©…
                Apparently, it has become a more obvious fact over the past 3.5ish years that I can be a bit of a nihilist.  I mean, like, MORE of a nihilist and somehow I am okay with that, like to the point where I have sharpened my ability to needle someone with the simplest of words without cursing or raising my voice, yet driving them to both.
My favorite place to do this – as observed by my brother and cousins – is on the comment threads under a third involved party’s FaceBook post.  That third party usually knows me well enough to know when I am being serious, silly  or just fucking with someone.  The fun part is when they lay back and let it happen.
                Anyway, True Story© time…
Scene 1:
One day back in the winter, I was in an especially Trolly mood and logged into my favorite place to snare a victm.  I scrolled and happened upon the post of a long-time female friend of mine who happens to have nice mammary glands and pictures prove it.  Frequently, t…

True Story©... And your damned hashtags

True Story©…
                My level of disdain for people who fake wittiness is beyond measure.  Also, sometimes I have a hard time maintaining my temper in response to such things.  With that in mind, I fucking HATE hashtags for the sake of hashtagging.  I understand the use of them for discussions on a topic on social media, like last night’s debate or MLB playoffs games.  But cramming a sentence preceded by a pound sign under a post with no spacing because you thought it was witty is enough to send me into a rage.  Seeing them on an email, text message or even a fucking t-shirt makes it even worse still.                 One day last year, I decided that I’d had enough after a rough morning on The BookFace.  I was off work and home, and several consecutive posts contained the worthless hashtagging scheme and I was pushed into action.
First, I spent one hour on Google, Wikipedia and everywhere those sites led me to learn who specifically it was who INVENTED the hashtag, then I set…

True Story©... I think I see where everyone has gotten it wrong before

True Story©…


Last Thursday, I told y’all I quit…

Wait, something else first.

Now don’t go telling anyone this, but “True Story©” isn’t always true. Dead ass, only one has been 95% true thus far. Anyway, I have spent the last 7+ days frustratedly explaining to people whose old asses should have fucking retired 6-10 years ago how to use a set of pretty simple-to-use softwares in exchange for plenty enough money to have decent credit and a mortgage that doesn’t know what a late fee looks like.


Fuck that… I didn’t quit my job, because Ava likes new shit as much as I do.

What I DID do, however, was plan.

My dude Jamal – a cat owner for most of the 15+ years we’ve been friends – got a dog last week. She is a Beagle from a rescue organization. What he had to shield from them was that he had bigger plans, including becoming the first proprietor of a Beagle fighting ring. They came to his house to make sure there were no signs of animal abuse or none of that (no…

True Story© - "I Quit"

True Story©…


I quit.


Yes, you read that right, I quit.
No more IT Specialist, no more Forum Administrator, no more Outreach Program, I am shitting on all three jobs to chase my dreams.
With a child, automobile maintenance, bills and a $74,000 mortgage balance in front of me, I quit. Starting Monday morning, I am going to be a rapper. I am going to be totally independent and sell to people outside of Wal Mart and various gas stations throughout the region, never mind the SIGNED artists I know who could put me right where I need to be. I want to do this shit organically.


Look, there is no need to tell me “… but Phlip, you can’t rap!” because that is a fact that has not bothered to stop basically any member of the XXL Magazine freshman class since that has been a thing. Just know that when I approach you outside of that Wal Mart, be prepared for me to tell you ANYTHING it will take to get that $4 out of you…


“yo, you like Nas, Jay-Z? Well I ‘m better than both of them, COMBINED even!”

“look, I…

True Story© - In the Strip Club

True story©…


For all of my age-37 obsession with all things titties, some might be shocked to learn that I was 19 or 20 before I EVER set foot in a strip club. I tend to forget which it was due to early 1998 through late 2001 being a 3.5-year blur. To be totally honest, the first one wasn’t even an actual real strip club, it was an after-hours kickback that a then-coworker took me to one night after work in a pool hall in High Point that had either just closed for the night or was recently driven out of business. Total fucking disaster now that I look back on it. I ain’t naming who I went with because he is on my friends list and married now.

Anyway, we stopped to cash out for some singles on the way there and when we arrive I’m like “dude, this isn’t a strip club” and being older than me, he assures me we were where we intended to be. We get in and a couple of his homies are already there, already drinking, I am like “where the fuck did liquor come from?” and next thing I know there is…

True Story© - D.A.R.E. Made Me This Way

True story®…


Backstory: I was born in 1979, which lined up my attendance of elementary school directly with the second half of the 80s.

For those of us who attended gradeschool in the 80s, we were faced with a program called D.A.R.E. from 4th-8th grades, aimed at preventing kids from placing themselves in compromising situations as it related to narcotics. Dead ass in the middle of the War On Drugs at the time, they spent more time where I lived on street drugs that people who looked like us might develop an appetite for: heroin and crack.


One fatal flaw of the program – at least where I lived – is that the cops they sent to our schools were somewhere between being poorly trained and being insultingly dishonest.

One of my favorite lies they told us is that drug dealers were terrible people and that they actually SOUGHT kids out to give – yes, GIVE – drugs to in order to get them to try them and get them hooked on drugs.

Before I continue my story, let me explain how deeply flawed this lie …