True Story© - "I Quit"
Yes, you read that right, I quit.
No more IT Specialist, no more Forum Administrator, no more Outreach Program, I am shitting on all three jobs to chase my dreams.
With a child, automobile maintenance, bills and a $74,000 mortgage balance in front of me, I quit. Starting Monday morning, I am going to be a rapper. I am going to be totally independent and sell to people outside of Wal Mart and various gas stations throughout the region, never mind the SIGNED artists I know who could put me right where I need to be. I want to do this shit organically.
Look, there is no need to tell me “… but Phlip, you can’t rap!” because that is a fact that has not bothered to stop basically any member of the XXL Magazine freshman class since that has been a thing. Just know that when I approach you outside of that Wal Mart, be prepared for me to tell you ANYTHING it will take to get that $4 out of you…
“yo, you like Nas, Jay-Z? Well I ‘m better than both of them, COMBINED even!”
“look, I am just out here trying to stay off these streets. I mean, I could be selling your son drugs or pimping your daughter. Shit, 2016 I could be pimping your SON!”
“Real hip hop, real hip hop fam. None of that corny commercial shit on the radio.”
“You look like you into something positive, well you would love my raps. All positivity, no cursing or violence or nothing.”
“I got that new trap shit, you know these beats is banging!”
Nothing will be sacred or mutually exclusive. If you ask to have a listen before making a purchase, I will SURELY get belligerent and attempt to fight you after calling you a “hater.” If you tell me you don’t carry cash, I will pull out the Square and tell you that I accept cards as well as PayPal. It will be as if I am a Jehova’s Witness out there not letting you escape me.
Now that I rap for a living, I can stop worrying about the possibility of random drug testing and the issue of untenable coworkers. I will be able to live a life of luxury, surrounded by expensive things and other dudes' women to my heart’s content. I will get more tattoos and diamonds and never have to do real work for the rest of my life.
Yeah, I can live with this quite well. I quit!