Life, love, hip hop, humor AND instructions on how to cook a bangin'-ass meal... all in one place. I put the words here, make what you want of them.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

True Story©... New Year, New You!

True Story©…

                I am here to help you ACHIEVE that “new you” in the new year.

I know I have said this before, but I was on some New Year bullshit too at the time.  We all go through it sometimes, I ain’t mad at myself.  So here’s how it will go.  Sometime between December 30th (that would be Friday) and January 2 (Monday), you will PayPal me $25 or $50 and provide me with a contact email and phone number.
What you will also include is WHAT about you it is that you need to leave behind in 2016.

With the $25 plan, I simply call you every day and email you every afternoon to remind you that you’re still doing the same ol shit that you've BEEN doing every other year that you tried to reinvent yourself and that every year on 12/31 you’re still miserable for the same reasons you were on 01/01.  The underlying aim of this approach is to anger you into action, even if that action includes coming to my house – or sending someone to my house – to be shot dead in my front yard.
The $50 plan is more involved…  You still tell me your plans and I STILL call/email to insult you, but I ALSO become a partner in the plan itself...
- Is it weight loss you seek?  My woman drew up a meal plan that worked for us, I will share it with you.
- Finances?  I will work out a means of saving with you and seeing to it that your bills get paid, based on the best we can gain from your financial situation/income.
- You need to get rid of an ain’t-shit dude in your life?  I will hire someone to say they had sex with him, offering up EXCRUCIATING details, to the point where your dude has to kill her/him (I will have to charge extra if it is a dude).  Voila, off to prison he goes and out of your hair.
- Your baby mama acting out?  I grew up with some SUPER grimy negroes who would happily meet her, talk her into unprotected sex and leave her with some kind of crotch critters or maybe even another kid, then NEVER speak to her again.
- Troubles at work?  I will have one of the above-mentioned grimies show up to your place of employment and stage a domestic situation with one of your coworkers every other day for two or three weeks until they’re fired.


                Seeing above, the possibilities are ENDLESS and this is just a couple of the potentially onerous undertakings that I would be willing to enter for a small small fee.  Your plan can be customized, the $25/$50 price points are baseline and are a one-time fee until we get the whole thing up and going


                This is to be a service provided by Philip’s Supervillainy.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

True Story©... Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

True Story©…

                Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.


This is one that has been up for debate for many years.  We’re to understand that Santa already had his reindeer fleet set to go, and all of a sudden another one shows up out of nowhere with a bright red nose?  Nah dawg, that ain’t how the story went.  It CAN'T be.  Today, I am here to lay it out for real.

                We readily believe that Santa handles his Christmas duties every year with the same 8 reindeer; Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen…  Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (admit it, you sang that shit, didn't you?).  All of a sudden, after 100 years there is a new reindeer at the North Pole?  HOW LONG WAS THIS DUDE THERE?!!?  And to make the story just a little more juicy, how about the fact that one that no one was allowed to see or hear of him from the beginning of the Santa Claus story in 1839 to the discovery of Cocaine in the late 1850s and then still remaining COMPLETELY hidden until the story they began to tell us in 1939 and happens to have a bright red nose..

                Not to let you in on anything more than you need to know about the community, but sometimes there is this one uncle who lives in your grandma’s basement due to having developed a substance abuse issue.  There are times where other family members don’t much TALK about that uncle in the hopes that one day his issues will take him on out of here.  As granny prays away his demons and tries as best she can to disallow his vice in her house, he gradually gets better and comes out of the basement more and more often.  He thinks he is still cool, but all of your friends know him as your “powderhead uncle” and no one wants to have him around while y’all are playing football or stickball in the street or whatever else y’all might be doing.
[Phlip note: that paragraph right there is a metaphor for “reindeer games”]

                So I am sure – or at least I hope – you get it now…  The issue is not that they didn’t want to let Rudolph play their reindeer games, it is that they had been accustomed to him being in the basement below Santa’s workshop higher than a fucking kite on cocaine and it was never a prudent move to have them doing such.
I mean, why in the hell ELSE would his nose be bright-ass red all the time like that?

                Anyway, that one fateful Christmas night of the huge storm comes along and--…  Wait, even THAT portion of the story was total shit.  I am here to tell it like it is, aren’t I?  Christmas happens to take place in winter, it stands to reason that now and again some people are going to experience some pretty epic snow storms, Santa has always dealt with them no problem.
Rewind to Christmas Eve.  Santa, the elves and all of the other reindeer had a big-ass Ugly Sweater party.  Many shots of Hennessy and Patron were consumed, many blunts may have been in rotation, questionable decisions were made and EVERYONE who was at the party fell out into a drunken heap in the middle of Santa’s workshop.  Of course, these motherfuckers SHOULD have been loading up the sleigh to prepare for the world’s deliveries.  Rudolph, on the other hand, was in his basement getting skiied real good since he was gonna have to be home alone until the everyone finished the Christmas deliveries.  Bear in mind, here that Cocaine is an upper and alcohol is a downer, as is marijuana.
Curiously, Rudolph thinks “damn, they’re kinda quiet up there…  shouldn’t they be getting ready?”  He goes upstairs to find the aftermath of the drunken debauchery and newly hyper off of his moments in the Scarface suite, loads the WHOLE sleigh himself and wakes up ALL the other reindeer.  He brewed a pot of coffee to bring them back to as normal as possible, loaded Santa’s fat ass in the sleigh and got everyone in position and took the lead which he would maintain until HIS drugs wore off in time for everyone else to come down and finish their job.  In having the forethought to do that, Rudolph saved Christmas.

                Rudolph was a hero!  Upon return to Santa's workshop, they still couldn’t let him participate in the reindeer games due to his inability to pass drug protocols for random testing, but since he had looked out for them and he knew a week before he had to piss for work, so he was able to be on standby for Christmases on into the future.


And that, kids, is how the story ACTUALLY went.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

True Story©... Outside the Library...

True Story©…

                Sometimes I like to sit and listen to OTHER people’s True Story©.
In my current position, I am downtown Burlington NC.  Before August, my building was right across the street from the public library.  One consistent in the whole of the United States of America is that a public library will draw the infirmed; homelesses, unemployed--…  the needy public in general.  I don’t judge people for their outward appearances any more than a reasonable person would – and trust, ALL people do if they admit or not – but sometimes I would sit outside on my lunch breaks when I was up there or will walk by when I walk around the block now on breaks/lunches and I talk to people about their stories.

                I have gotten a lot of good stories:
-          A woman who had a couple of kids by a drug dealer who did well by them until getting caught, but literally didn’t know how to hold down a household when he was gone and now was in this position during the days because her grandmother wouldn’t let her be in the house during the day.
-          A veteran who came home from Desert Storm in DEBILITATING back pain who lost it all due to doctors who would sooner give him an opiate addiction than to address the underlying problem at hand.  This would parlay into heroin, a feeling of betrayal from the government he volunteered for, the loss of his family and me sharing my lunch or a couple bucks with him a couple times a week.

And then came the one that changed my WORLD…
I’m on lunch back in March, sitting at the stone table enjoying a turkey wing, mashed potatoes and broccoli.  Earbuds in, I am listening to Skyzoo…
A cat named Gerard asks if he can join me for a couple minutes as it was getting chilly in the shade under the awning at the library across the street.  Plenty of table, I removed my headphones and let him have at it.  General conversation; he asked what I do and how long I been with the company, mostly smalltalk to not have awkward silence at the table.  I explained and answered, then came my time to ask the question “so what about you?  What brings you out this way?  Tell me your story…”
I would not be ready for this answer.


“Aight, so I am 32 right now…  I’m from VA beach, came down to North Carolina to go to school on a basketball scholarship, but played baseball too.
Back when I was 21, me and these three other dudes had gamed this chick into letting us run a train in an off-campus apartment.  She in the room getting ready for us and we in the living room deciding who gets to go first.  I am thinking that since I knew her the longest and introduced her to the whole situation, I should be the one who gets to go first, right?  Well my homeboy, this n**ga, he say that because it’s his apartment, HE should get to go first.  Next dude has no real claim to ANYTHING in this situation, he just brought the weed, so he stays quiet.  Then there is the problem child, this dude ups a .380 and is like “I got this, I am going first.”
All hands are in the air, he starts toward the bedroom door waiting for her to say she’s ready, stupid motherfucker turns his back on all of us to do so, so we jump on him to get him and that pistol out of the situation.  We scuffle in the living room, in the hallway, in the dining room.  Gun falls out of his jacket pocket.  I pick it up and pull back the slide to let EVERYONE in the room know I have it.  My intentions were to scare him out of the apartment, run that train and dispose of the gun on the way back to campus.  I ain’t no thug, I’d never handled a gun, never knew what it was like outside of movies and rap videos at the time, so NO ONE taught me not to put your finger on the trigger until you WANT to shoot the thing.  Soon as my arm was extended, I fired a single shot right into his chest.  Girl screams and everyone else scatters.
The neighbors had already called the police in the commotion of the fight and the cops were there with guns drawn as soon as the apartment door was opened.
I was arrested, charged and convicted of manslaughter and they gave me the whole 60 months because a gun was involved with time served. Almost 27, I came home and my preacher dad wasn’t HAVING me coming back home to VA, I tried out for a few minor league baseball teams but couldn’t get on with any.  I have spent the last 4 years day laboring and taking cleaning jobs, but I found standing out here in front of this library and asking for change sometimes does me better than that.”


I was DUMBSTRUCK!
                
“So you’re telling me that you were a scholarship athlete who did 5 years out in the mountains because you accidentally killed someone in an argument over who gets to go first running a train?”
He replied with “yeah, this is not something I am proud of, I don’t think I should be ridiculed for it either.”


I’d been told the most amusing story I had EVER heard sitting outside of that damn library.  If I never sat out there again (which I haven’t since), I would be okay with that.  I gave the dude $5 and went back upstairs to work.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

True Story©... Sleepwalking/Live Dreaming

True Story©…

                It’s been said that one way to have control over your dreams is to sleep with the TV on.  Me?  I sleep to ESPN or whatever comes on after the last NFL or NBA game I watched, so for years I have lived these wild fantasies of mystical worlds from Supernatural, I have solved crimes on Bones, a combination of the crime and mystical on Grimm and this is JUST from the nights that TNT carries NBA games!  I am pretty sure that some of the recipes I have dreamt up come from me falling asleep on Chopped on Tuesday nights.
Anyway, you get it…

                Sometimes, I crash at my girlfriend’s place and her television Du Jour while sleeping is the 24 hour informative murder porn channel ID Discovery…
THIS creates a new obstacle, as I am often unaware if I need to wake up and defend myself or wake up and make that phone call to my three most top people to have a hole dug in the middle of nowhere ready for me to drop something off that we shall never EVER discuss again.

                Anyway…  One night I am having a pretty average round of sleep (which is about the best I get, I cannot regulate my body temperature well enough to ever get a good sleep at night) and all of a sudden, my brain hears her voice calling for me in a total tizzy, as if something is VERY wrong and I must kill everything moving to save her and her little mean-ass dog.  Well as men do when provoked to protect those we have sworn to protect, I jumped up and to action, ran out of the house to the front yard and went RIGHT to work on the first person walking past the front of her house.
[note: there is ALWAYS someone walking past her house]
Meanwhile, back in the real world, she was in the damned bed next to me the whole time.  “Was…”  Operative word “was.”  Now she is standing on the front porch totally freaked out in her night gown wondering just what in the hell has gotten into me.

                Out of breath and apparently still halfway sleepwalking/halfway lucid dreaming, I am operating on the brain waves that she was in peril and dammit I was to end the onslaught.  I demand that she get my phone and the keys to her truck and open the back.  I dragged the body to the truck and tossed it in, called my brother and my two best friends.  Somehow, all three went straight to VM, so I thought better of it, stopped by my own house and got my ski mask and headed toward the mall…  Why the mall?  At the entrance on the front of the mall, the trash compactors are accessible from the outside of the mall at the front next to Ruby Tuesday and at the bottom next to the old Dillard’s entrance.  I learned this from time spent working there.  I stopped before getting to the mall and removed the license plate from her car and drove to the compactor on the back of the mall so as to not be visible from a street at all and tossed the body, then hit the blue button, jumped in the running car and broke the fuck out.


                Back at her house…  silence…
In the morning, over breakfast, she finally asked me what in the hell had gotten into me.  I asked her what in the hell she was doing outside for that base head to even be able to get near her for her to need my saving.  Further confusion.  We argued back and forth for 20 minutes, her explaining that she was in the bed and it was me that jumped up and attacked for no good reason.
It was JUST at this moment that they began the replay cycle (ID generally replays the same things 12 hours later, then switches up for the second half of the day) and I realized that what I was hearing was a combination of my dream state influenced by what was on the real-life television that became my reality in that moment and that.  It was on that spot where I realized that I:
1 - had fucked up BAD.
and...
2 - might want to keep my ass away from the mall for a little while.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Maybe Hip Hop ISN'T dead... 2016 was actually pretty damned good

Truth told, 2016 was not a bad year for the kind of hip hop that I listen to.

Jan 15 – Lecrae: Church Clothes 3
                You know what?  I tried to sleep or let this dude be what he is outside of my view because he was a Christian rapper, but I gave this one a few objective listens later in the spring in the car and really enjoyed it.

Jan 15 – Torae: Entitled
                I was worried about this album because he launched it off of a Kickstarter campaign…
What that allowed him to do, though, was whatever in the fuck ever he wanted to do.  If that means Praise does several beats, we get introduced to the album artist’s cousin on the album, we have to listen to a spoken liner notes/outro or see Phonte show up with one of the best verses of 2016, then the independence of the album leaves us free to experience all of that.  And we were better for it.

Apr 15 – Royce Da 5’9”: Layers
               
Almost 8 months have now passed and I am STILL forcing people to take this album in for the first time, then watching as they KEEP listening to it.  This wound up being an expectedly solid release from one of my favorite rappers.

Apr 23 – Drake: Views
                I listened to it my requisite three times… I guess it is okay if you’re into this kind of thing.  Never actually made it into my car.

Jun 10 – Apathy: Handshakes with Snakes
                Look, if you don’t get this album for ANY other reason other than this, go to YouTube RIGHT now and look up track 12, “Moses” with Twista and Bun B.  I was so surprised to hear those voices on a track with an artist like Apathy that I was blindsided by just how DOPE the song was and had to listen to it 4 times.  The album in and of itself is quite well made and comes with the normal level of lyrics as one would expect of Apathy or anyone else of the Demigodz crew.

Aug 26 – De La Soul: and the Anonymous Nobody
                This album was such a breath of fresh air.  What with their seeming inability to put together a full presentation worth listening to since Stakes is High (fight me, dammit) and Maseo’s son going AWOL from the (then) St Louis Rams and ending up on the “did not report” list.  I sat with mixed emotions approaching this project, the 37 year-old who remembers who in hip hop invented the hip hop album skit, who would make 70+ minute concept albums and also remember who promised a three-album series in 2000 and only delivered two.  The old-school hip hopper in me won.

Sep 23 – T.i.: Us or Else
                Total surprise to me…  I guess there is a time for everyone to eventually grow up and latch on to a social stance and make an album like this one.  I am aware of that.  What I am STILL having a hard time with is that it was who it was in this case.  His interviews around the time as to why he was saying the social things he said on this album and the consistency with which he supported it gained him a lot of respect from people who might not have otherwise dealt with him.  Unfortunately, however, the purses didn’t like that he was saying what he was saying but he was ready for that too, readily admitting that knew it could hurt his pockets some but was the thing to do.  

Sep 30 – Apollo Brown and Skyzoo: The Easy Truth
                They threw feelers out about this album EARLY in the year and I sat like a meth addict for months WAITING on September 30 to arrive.  I woke up at 6am on the day, downloaded the album and put it on my devices to listen and at NO moment was I disappointed.  Many may be aware that Skyzoo is easily my favorite rapper of the moment and while that may have had a hand in my enjoyment of this album, I am not at all ashamed to admit it.

Oct 14 – The Game: 1992
                I never know what to expect of the game, but here is another album I couldn’t exactly hate.  I liked the dearth of guest appearances for a change, something that does not happen often in hip hop these days.

Oct 28 – Jeezy: Trap or Die 3 and Meek Mill: DC4
               
Both included on this list because I did download and attempt to listen to them, but neither getting their own entry because I did not enjoy them enough to continue discussing them after the next period I type.

Nov 4 – Common: Black America Again
                Funny thing…  I wasn’t sure what to expect of the dude who I love as a rapper but cannot watch as an actor.  Here, his first album since losing his father in 2014.  I was unsure what to expect.  What I got was a wonderful collection of the expected well-written and jazzy pieces with a LOT of Bilal.  With the aforementioned production handled solely by Kareem Riggins and Robert Glasper, this one appeals to the music and rap nerds in me.

Nov 11 – A Tribe Called Quest: We Got it From Here…  Thank You 4 Your Service
                Holy shit, I get a De La and tribe album in the same year?!!?  Did I set my wayback machine to 1992 or something?  Wait, AND they’re both damn good albums at that?  Knowing that Phife Dawg passed earlier in the year and still hearing topically accurate lyrics for the current times is a good thing, the album is well produced and it was QUITE ill seeing them on SNL with Chappelle.

Nov 18 – E-40: D-Boy Diary
                I won’t lie…  I have TRIED to hate E-40’s work.  It took me to accept that he was not trying to be taken too seriously to get it.  He is having fun doing what he likes to do.  He is WELL respected in the streets and in the industry and  that he is allowed to still be releasing albums independently within 72 hours of his 49th birthday speaks to something I should respect.

Dec 2 – Childish Gambino: Awaken, My Love
                Okay, let him write for NBC (30 Rock, Community) nominate the boy for two Grammys, two VMAs, an NAACP Image award, let him release two dope albums and several EP/mixtapes and it takes for the FX series Atlanta for some black people even notice him.  Well for those of us who remember the “Bro Rape” skit from having shared it on MySpace, we are happy to see the dude getting the attention of the REST of America finally.  For our troubles, we get an album that might not even be fully classifiable as “hip hop,” really.  It is alternatively funky and sing-songy and Wikipedia actually calls it R&B (but for some odd fucking reason, won’t do that for Drake albums?).  No matter, it is still well done and worth the time and effort.

There still remains 3 and a half weeks in the year…
I am impatient and lose interest in things too quickly to wait to see what else shakes and what I am and amn’t (new word!) interested in to then sit and write about.
Before anyone responds to tell me what I did and didn’t mention in this post, I would like to remind you who the Phlip in “callmephlip” is and why that matters as to what does and doesn’t make it inside of posts here.  It is more than possible that I forgot an album that you were interested in, that I was not interested in anything other than savaging it, or – as is the case with ANY mumble rapper – I couldn’t wrap my head around it enough to listen three times and have an opinion.

Thanks, all.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

True Story©... Please heed the warnings

True Story©…
                Sometimes I operate opposite of my apparent plan to see the world burn and try to warn people that they’re about to do something SUPER stupid.  Unfortunately, 98.772% of the time, these attempts fall on deaf ears and people wind up failing anyway.

You see it all the time on FaceBook…

                “I just won $700 on a scratchoff”
                “I’m pregnant”
                “I’m gay”
                “I think I am in love with someone”
                “I still love my ex”
                “If you’re in High Point and have $15, you can come get this pussy”
                “I’m moving to Mongolia for a new job!”
                “I caught my husband cheating, someone come help me get rid of this body”

…  and this is where I find it in myself to get involved.
                Someone on my timeline posted that last one.  Well, someone on my timeline posted one of EACH of these (except the $15 one, that is an inside joke), but I figured the one that might get someone touched was that last one, so I had to jump to quick and decisive action to help the unlucky soul.  If I couldn’t been the first respondent, I wouldn’t have even bothered.  Understanding internet memetics and how things are designed to spread based sometimes on people’s refusal to think before they act.  Next thing you know, everyone is wearing underwear on their heads or some shit.  So I responded…
                “Don’t fall for it, you’ll comment below of inbox her about this and then you’ll have to post one of these as YOUR status”
I followed that with a response to my own comment saying “watch EVERYONE ignore this, the FIRST and usually most important comment and get themselves caught up.”

                Man, if I had ONLY known how “caught up” dumbasses on the internet are willing to get themselves.  This particular chick apparently has a ton of friends who know her family and their general whereabouts pretty well, so instead of responding, two of them left work early and went to HIS job and let the air out of his tires.  When he came outside to find this had happened, he went back in, came back out properly dressed to handle the situation, takes to a knee to assess if there was any damage or just someone being a dick to him for no reason – well no reason that HE was personally aware of – and just as his attention was on the underside of his car and his tires, they ran up on him and beat him with the straps from their purses.  When he tried to get up and make sense of what was happening to him, he bumped his head on the car and was out cold.
After beating on him a bit more while still knocked out, his assailants were in the wind.

                Meanwhile, back on FB…
The normal comments are still taking place.
“Aw naw, girl…  you was too good for him anyway”
“lets go out for drinks and replace his ass”
“see, n**gas can’t appreciate a good thing”
“I know a good lawyer girl”

…  and then comes her NEXT status…
“OH MY GOD!!!  Someone let all the air out of my husband’s tires and then beat him unconscious when he was trying to fix it!  WHO DID THIS???????”

Wait…  put a pin in that…
I have always opined that behind every bumb ditch (think about that as you read it) is one or several more who are committed ONLY to encouraging the continuing of her bumb ditchery.

Remove pin, but remember the lesson, it will come up on the quiz…
One of her homegirls is QUICK to own up to felony aggravated assault in a publicly-visible social media post (see?  Remember the lesson EVERY time, these things are FACTS).
“Hell yeah, girl, me and [other friend] left work and went to that n**ga job and WHOOPED that ass like the little boy he is.  He tried to play dead on us, but we ain’t give a fuck, we just kept beating.  Teach that n**ga a lesson for doing my girl wrong like that!”

                Oh boy…  Ever get to see something AMAZING play out at the hands of people who do not realize they should probably take a conversation private, lest charges will be pressed and lives (further) ruined?  Well the petty in me is glad that common sense should be treated as a super power sometimes, because it was RIGHT then that we saw that these ignorant girls had jumped right into action and let a social media joke escalate into some real-world drama.  And MAN was it good.  All kinds of bitches and hoes were called, threats to press charges and mention of how there could be implications of his employment, then FURTHER implications that SHE might have actually cheated on HIM first.
All of this on her FB wall for her mama, family, friends and God to see!
It took all I had in me to not post a funny picture in the comment thread, but hey, I TRIED to warn the dumb people who happened upon the initial post not to get caught, but some people are apparently just about that action boss.

Oh well, I tried!