True Story© Confessions
Sometimes, in these fits of pure boredom, I confess to shit that never actually happened. I mean FAR-FETCHED bullshit that is barely even possible. I do it for my own entertainment and to see how people will react. These are most fun to tell in mixed (racial, upbringing, people who do/don’t know me, etc…) company.
To see someone pull a mutual acquaintance to the side and have them ask about me means I have won the game. The fun part is dragging up things that DID happen and COMPLETELY making some shit up to lend an air of realism to it.
Scene 1. A few years ago, shooting the shit with a friend and some friends of said friends. We’re talking as a group about shit we used to do when we were MUCH younger.
Friend: "anything else?"
Me: "well yeah, there was this one time, sophomore year in college... You and I were going to play ball on campus, I swung by your house to drive but you'd already left"
Friend: "yeah I remember that, you were late as fuck that day--... I thought you said you had a nooner with some chick at the time and got caught up longer than expected?"
Me: "I did… See, your moms was home when I stopped by. Said she didn't know where you went and invited me in to wait for you, so I went in--…"
Friend: "Dude! You already KNEW where I was going--... WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?!!?"
Me: "first of all, check your tone and watch your language when addressing your stepfather"
Under a normal set of circumstances, this man, I should have been made to knuckle up and defend myself at the end of this exchange. But the look of HORROR on the face of the uninitiated witnesses as my friend just started laughing made it all worth it.
Scene 2. Around 2009-2010ish, I was fully aware that my old department WOULD kill me if I stayed there and applying for every transfer and/or job I thought I could get. To know me is to know that I would apply for several that I knew I couldn’t get either. What one might NOT realize is that third option, wherein I have a burner email address (the kind you would use for like sure-to-spam subscriptions, dating sites and the like) and completely fabricated resume. The profile is GLOWING, any company worth their salt would want to hire this guy Moe Phillips!
… if he really existed, that is.
One particular time, I--… err, Moe applied for a little call center position that he was more educated and qualified for than any three of the supervisors who would interview him for it. One glaring issue on Moe’s resume was with a job he’d had in 2000-2003, which ended and his work history does not pick back up for TEN months. Naturally, the interviewer would ask about this and I--… SHIT, Moe would use this opportunity to confess…
“so you see from my CV, I majored in English and specialized in creative writing. That goes to say that I am a bit of a stickler about grammar and spelling. Well I had this supervisor who would spell things RIGHT, but always use the wrong homophone. Her biggest problem child was spelling ‘come’ as ‘c-u-m’ and you can imagine this being irksome, especially in a professional environment.”
Man, the discomfort on this lady’s face… I wasn’t done though.
“Well this one day I was having a rough go at it and EVERYTHING was kind of annoying, right? I’m at my desk and I am working, I get an email that says ‘Moe, can you cum in here real quick?’ and decided that I would show her the error in her way by LITERALLY getting up and cumming in her office. So I didn’t open the email beyond the preview for a couple of minutes, scrolled through a couple of pictures on my phone to get the juices flowing and went in her office to do as she requested and started to--...”
Needless to say, the interviewer turned BRIGHT purple before unceremoniously excusing herself from the interview and came back with two large men to fast track me through the “don’t call us, we’ll call you” line. I--… FUCK, Moe! could have sworn he heard laughter from an office while leaving the building.
By now, y’all get it. Anyone with access to my FB feed knows my tales of murdering hookers in carrying them around in the trunk. I could sit and do this like all day, and I would LOVE to do it, but the TL;DR is a real thing and the fun of it would be spoiled on short attention spans.