Back to (Hotep) School

(yes, it is real)


     For all of my Hotep Carryings on for the last few months, I still find myself in a moment looking waaay more into what I will write about than one should spend on things they really only intend to make continuous light of and not ever actually take seriously.

     So this week, I was going to key on the back to school thing and do “Back to Hotep School,” and my Google search ALMOST led me to go in on an alleged (but unproven-to-be) “Doctor” whose name I will not mention here until I located a website for an ACTUAL Hotep school.
[Phlip note: I hope y'all didn't think I was JOKING when I said I work really hard at behaving this ignorantly]

And this was the mindfuck…

Actually, really a real legitimate Hotep school, as in by name and all.  Their website was dodgy (or perhaps just vague, given my attention span) with information as to what they were about.  I poked around for several minutes looking for pictures, descriptions and such but didn’t come up with much more detail than you can come to expect from your run-of-the-mill non-profit or Charter school.
One could say that the major portion of my problem here was that I was not able to find anything enough to laugh at or make a good joke of.  For that I was disappointed.  Once I realized that the school was in Egypt and, therefore, is a 100% real ACTUAL Hotep school located where such things are a real thing, I decided that what they're doing is respectable (and pretty affordable by US standards, looking at their prices) and to stop my poking and go on to something better.

     But I ain’t no punkass quitter either.

Let’s imagine that the artist formerly known as Jermaine Shoemake (I am seriously not saying his name) ever makes good on that cash grab that he is pretending will eventually become the Hotep Mecca of non-profit schools for Black boys in the United States.
Which he won’t, but let’s say he ever does…
What would the curriculum look like?
Well I am here to hash it out!

Session One – Social Sciences
1 – Coons and you: every black man ain’t a Brotha.
2 – Fuck the system!  but learn it first!
3 – Selective articulation: the art of code switching without code switching

Session Two – Math and Finance
Look…  The only thing you need to know about math in this world IS finance.  Get access to finances and learn the system and make it work for you.  A part of this will be a crash course on non-profit establishment.

Session Three – Biology and Physical Education
1 – Eat to live, live to eat.
Swine is of the devil and for the devil.  Do not put that inside of your body.  Here will be some vague reasons not to, none are religious.
2 – Phys. Ed: training in hand-to-hand combat sports, because you can’t train for the revolution playing Call of Duty.
3 – Biology: because you need to know how the human body works if you will grow up to have and properly service the three wives that every king deserves.

Session Four – Language Arts
This one is simple.  Every student will be assigned a list of mandatory reading.  Comprehension will be tested through normal evaluation methods.  The list is below.



I figured that my attempt at a Hotep school couldn’t be NEAR as bad as what that other asshole had in mind, and it should be worth at least enough to get me a 503(c) to get me out of these taxes and shit.
I just realized 600 words and two images later that I could have made this a Hotep Movie Moments post using the Rodney Dangerfield movie.  FML.
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