Showing posts from 2018

The Big Payoff pt XII

“You do NOT want to hear the punchline to that joke…”I TRIED to warn that asshole.

     Standing in the former parking lot of a months-ago-razed factory/former department store.
Watching a group of crazy non-agent SWAT team run off with my coal bag, willfully unaware that it won’t produce without me.
The federal agents selected to bail me OUT of this shit in their car and leaving me to my own.
I am pretty much standing here holding my dick.
How did they pull this shit off at 4:23 in the afternoon?  No time for that, I need to get in my car and cry like a little bitch with a skinned knee figure out my next moves.  I know I am PROBABLY going to receive two phonecalls behind this shit.  Or one phonecall and a visit.  Or no phonecalls and two visits.  Or the SWAT team is coming to my house next.
FUCK!!!  Coming to my house?  I don’t need that.  I called Mimi and sent her some money via cashapp and told her to get a room until I tell her home is safe to return to.

All the way home, I expe…

The Tables Have Turned!!!

No longer is it enough to ignore unsolicited contact, I'm at the point in my life where I will exchange banter with these spam types for at least long enough to turn the tables... I'm minding my business on the couch with the wife when I am rudely interrupted...
 Wife: "g'head, play along"
With those words from thine mouth...
... I know how this game starts, finishes and follows through.

 A man who swings first stands a better chance of the other party not swinging back.

 See?  I've already broken the algorithm!


 Not today, Russia...

(Phlip note: we weren't putting any damn clothes back on and were already in bed)

Shit...  I could have asked for bobs and vegana.

The Big payoff pt XI

For 241 years of American history, it would be a mark of honor to be specifically mentioned by the President of the United States in most capacities.
Beginning on November 9, 2016 the dynamic changed to the point where being mentioned by the president was a miss-or-hit affair.  “Don’t you mean ‘hit-or-miss’?,” I hear you asking.  Trust me, when this motherfucker talks about anything, it is soon going to hell.
     So now I am no longer a dude who tried to rob Santa for all the world’s gifts and got a undepletable bag of coal for my troubles, I am now a thug with a shotgun who threatens members of the media.
     In the past ten months, I have been…
-Roped into a domestic (illegal) sale of coal… -… parlayed that into sales into other industries… -… parlayed THAT into even bigger profits and made a ton of money; more than enough to last me a lifetime if invested properly… -… got greedy right about the time the international market wanted to play the dirty coal game. -Gotten robbed for …

True Story©... The Big Payoff pt X

“this orgy ain’t fun no more…” (if only I’d have known how prophetic those words would become)
     The funny thing about the government getting involved in shit is how quick they are to complain about the media meddling in shit while pretending not to know that the media is the VERY official but unstated fourth branch of the government.
But let them be the one driving the narrative and the media they just hated are their best fucking friends.
     I got shook down and, let’s face it, robbed by two rogue FBI inspectors who quite apparently entered no paperwork on their interaction with me as they tried to get my source of income and not do what was right by the American people as far as national security goes.  And I KNOW I was dead wrong…
…  at least I know now.  When I was at it, all I knew is that I was trying to make the best of a bad situation of my own design.  Domestic and international laws were really the least of my concerns.
I should probably meet Santa again on Christmas …

True Story©... The Big Payoff pt IX

I bought an Audi. All I did was buy a fucking Audi! I didn’t sell any drugs, perhaps I was wrong for having dealt with a foreign government, and the inconvenience of the logistics of dealing with them leaves it where I am done with those smelly motherfuckers first chance I get ANYWAY.
     But here I am, shackled to a chair and cuffed to a table with a couple of federal agents staring at me with the stinkface…
Agent: “So…” Me: “Look, just tell me what you need to know.” Agent: “Wanna tell us where you got this shiny new Audi?” Me: “You know EXACTLY what dealership I bought it from, they sent you the paperwork that helped you find m--…” Agent: “SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN!” Me: “Well…” Agent: “Where did you get the money?!” Me: “Coal money” Agent: “Coal money?” Me: “Coal money” Agent: “Look, asshole, nothing in your family history suggests any coal country connections, and the amount of coal it would take to make even THIS kind of money is more than you would be able …

Today in Phlip History

September 3, 1998… I was 19, it was a Monday.
     I had to work that morning and needed to be there to open the store, so I was in the mall at 9:30am.  When one of my guys got in with me, I snuck away to whatever FYE was 20 years ago to make a quick video game purchase. If I had known that the game I was about to buy would change the direction of the next year(S) of my life, I would have--…  fuck that, I’d have bought THREE!
     I worked 9:30-6 that day and IMMEDIATELY rushed home to my Playstation (the boring-looking-ass Playstation 1!), locked away in my bedroom and proceeded to not be heard from other than to work, eat, bathe or shit for weeks.  If at any point I can remember a favorite game becoming my favorite that quickly, this was the time.
The story was fun going through.  It was engrossing to have a story with layers and twists and shit, mixed in with the “sneaking around and cutting dumbass guards’ throats” aspect of it.  The Easter eggs found in subsequent plays through …

True Story© The Big Payoff pt VIII

I could be making better use of my time and abilities here… In the months since I unsuccessfully robbed Santa Claus, I have exhibited the skills of a man who could sell commodities to market and internationally, courier goods across state lines, negotiate hostage situations and most importantly make a TON of fucking money. It’s August now.  I been at this for 8 months, one client paying enough for all year every three months and I will see them in a couple of weeks.  His buddy has ramped up his ticket sales to the point where he needs me every three as well instead of the original six.  Between those, I am clearing $575k every 12 weeks.  I am pulling another $25k every month.  Throw in the as-negotiated HUGE money deal I am taking from that little European country that I cannot name at this point and I am looking at about $5mil cash on hand, even after paying off my house and revolving credit.

At this point, my lady still refuses to retire despite my attempts to get her to go ah…

True Story© The Big Payoff pt VII

Maybe I am the fucking idiot here… Look, Santa was a degenerate dope dealer who deserved to get robbed.  I don’t understand how I am the one wearing this series of asswhoopings for having had the nuts to be the one to set him straight.  All I know is that I had turned his negative into a positive and set about the task of making sure my family was straight, better than I could have as an IT Specialist or whatever else I might have happened upon to do for a legit living otherwise.
     But the only thing that travels faster than bad news is, apparently, chlamydia which I’m to understand is ALSO bad news in its own right and actually has not a fucking thing to do with this story. So here I am, these Europeans got me by the short & curlies, but they actually NEED me to get what they want as well.  I could say no and they can’t kill me if they intend to get ahead.  They could say no and walk away from it all, then head back to the drawing board and find another way.  Fuck, these…