True Story©... Old Habits Die Hard


     Broke…  Bored…  A little angry at the world in general because shit ain’t quite working out to be just what I feel like it should be.  All I can do is work toward making what I want of the world, I guess.
Luckily for me I glean entertainment from the world around me most of the time and I have a network of people who are full-on invited to GET mad at me, but none of them can really STAY mad at me.  That said, I got a phone call…

Me: “Hello?”
Caller: “Phlip--…  Wait, before you hang up on me man.  You Still mad at me?”
Me: “Why the shit would I be mad at you, Marlon?”
Marlon: “Well…  You went to pretty extreme lengths to get me back for that dough I costyou last time we spoke.”
Me: “Well…  I guess for that I could see myself still mad.  BUT!  I think I have exacted the lesson you needed to learn.”
Marlon: “Cool, because I kinda missed coolin’ out and shit.”
Me: “Whoa, Marls…  You been in prison or something?  I ain’t living like that.  I am pretty much married now.”
Marlon: “Shut the fuck up, dude.  I’m just saying it’s been a minute.”
Me: “True enough, but I know it ain’t like you just to call me for nothing, so what you got steaming right n--…”
Marlon: “…  so right now, I am coming back to Greensboro for the weekend, right?”
Me: “Yeah…  Continue.”
Marlon: “And I had a crack at one of YOUR homies’ wife before I left, right?”
Me: “Right, but Marlon--…”
Marlon: “I KNOW she was giving me rhythm back in the day and after I left, she met him and they got married.  They ain’t got no kids yet and I figured my last chance to mash might be in that space between them making minis.”
Me: “Marlon…”
Marlon: “Yeah, man.”
Me: “You are Glenn Quagmire in real life sometimes.”
Marlon: “Haha, I know it man, but--…”
Me: “This ain’t Family Guy.  When her dude comes in and busts your head wide fucking open, you won’t be back next Sunday like ain’t shit happened.”
Marlon: “I know man, I was thinking I would like get a r--…”
Me: “Is nothing sacred to you?  This ain’t his side bitch.  This ain’t a convenience girlfriend.  She ain’t an ‘it’s complicated’ situation where he might be mashing other chicks too--…”
Marlon: “What if he IS fucking around though?  Don’t you think she would be more up to it?”
Me: “Marlon, this is a WIFE.  Someone he stood before God and his family and swore some shit to and for.”
Marlon: “So you saying I shouldn’t do it?”
Me: “Normally, I would use reverse psychology on you and tell you to go for it in hopes you’d do the opposite of what I say since you’re stubborn as a mule but not today.  Don’t even come to Greensboro if that is the reason you’re coming.”
Marlon: “Well damn.”

This man is a motherfucking sociopath.
Sad shit is that I know and have hung out with the person he speaks of.  If I was a shit-starter, I would say something to dude about what might go down, but being that the only clue that I have to HER interest in Marlon is Marlon’s description of some shit that happened EIGHT years ago, before she even met her husband, it is probably best I leave the dead buried.

     Anyway…  Marlon comes into town and Mimi goes off to hang with my sisters while we chill with my brother and cousin on Saturday night.  As normal, the amount of drink, smoke and shit talk in the air would be enough to scare off a lesser being.  The night goes pretty uneventfully as one would expect of four cats in their late 30s with shit to lose.  The text comes from my lady that she is on the way home, basically putting me on notice that I should start to bust that move too.  Marlon says he won’t need to crash this weekend, he got a hotel instead and will be crashing out there.
Cool, no big deal, that just means we get to sleep with the bedroom door open.

     My brother is only 4 ½ blocks from my house and the sister’s house the ladies were gathered at is a hair over 4 miles, back into the woods a bit.  Needless to say, my 96-second drive home was nothing compared to her 10-minute one.  I sat on the couch and scrolled through FB.
Friend whose wife Marlon was trying to crack was out with friends of his and his wife was out with hers.  He, at a club downtown and she at a hotel club clear on the other side of town.
Aww shit.  I called Marlon…

Me: “Marlon!”
Marlon: “Yes, dad?”
Me: “Don’t ‘dad’ me, n**ga…  What the hell hotel are you staying in.”
Marlon: “[redacted], why?”
Me: “Because according to the BookFace, [name] is downstairs in the club in that same hotel!”
Marlon: “Oh word?  I’mma holla at you in a minute, dog!”
Me: “Marlon, Marlon…  No!”

It was too late, he was actually JUST pulling up on the hotel as I inadvertently disclosed his conquest’s location and now he was on a mission.

     You know what?  I can’t save everyone.  If Marlon wants to risk a possible trouncing due to his inability to NOT think with his dick, then there is little I can do to help him avoid that asskicking.  My woman gets in the house and we settle comfortably in the bed and call it a night.
While we slept, about an hour or two later my phone goes NUTS with text messages and shit.  Everyone who knows me knows that once I am asleep, I am ignoring all texts and FaceBook messages until I have had my morning coffee, but the sheer volume of them led Mimi to ask me to silence it.

     Upon awaking in the morning, I had a missed call from a former coworker who happened to be in the bar when Marlon and this girl were both in there swilling alcoholic beverages.
He had also left a voicemail.

“YOOOO!!!  So ya mans Marlon was in town last night.  We in the [redacted] and--…  You remember [redacted]?  She was on [redacted]’s team, the light skinnded girl with the dimples?  So she is married to [redacted], but you know that.  Anyway…
Marlon come in and me my peoples at the table when he walks over to her.  They chilling and laughin’ and shit, he buying drinks as quick as they can get them to the table.  OBVIOUSLY trying to grease her up to get her upstairs…
Well, all a sudden, ol dude walk in.  She must have had the locations on her iPhone on or some shit, she look surprised as fuck he walk in.  Him and Marlon get to yappin at each other.  Security paying attention, everybody watching, nobody notice the DJ done stopped the music, nobody dancing and shit.  Just the whole club watching them argue.  She looking shook as shit.
Homeboy SWINGS on Marlon.  Marl ducks the shit, security jacks BOTH of they asses up and drags ‘em out the back door and from as best we could hear they BOTH got fucked up out back, man!  Call me back when you get this!”

Look…  I knew homeboy was nutso.
I know Marlon is incorrigible.
What I CAN’T know is whether or not he would have succeeded in sullying her womb even if her husband hadn’t shown up to run interference.  Nor could I have known dude would stalk his wife’s locations to show up and spoil everyone’s party.
All I could do was the right thing in telling him NOT to even try it.
I wish I had been there to WorldStar the action though.
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