True Story©... The Big Payoff pt IV


     Mother fuck me…
I knew when I got into this shit that I would find myself flirting with international improprieties sooner rather than later.  I’m on the way from service on the car, about to get Ava from school one day and the phone rings…
“dafuq, what the hell are all these plus signs and extra digits?”
It was an international number.  I wish I had saved it.

Caller: “Good afternoon, Mr Phillips.”
Me: “No ‘Mr.’ needed, Phillip is my first name.”
Caller: “Oh, I am very sorry.  Please excuse my English, it is not my first language.”

[Phlip note: why the fuck am I only now realizing that I should probably be using Moe Phillips for this operation?]

Me: “S’all good.  With whom do I have the pleasure of conversing with?”
Caller: “My name is Mr. [somethingsoutheasterneuropeanish], I am calling on behalf of my local government in search of a product that you apparently have a unique ability to produce at a very attractive price.”
Me: “Ahh shit.”
Caller: “I’m sorry?”
Me: “Excuse me…  Damn allergies.”
Caller: “Oh, gesundheit.”
Me: “Thank you”
Caller: “Well, like I was saying, you apparently have a very unique means of product delivery and we are yet a developing nation and could use the kind of help you can offer.”
Me: “Wait…  What about Paris?”
Caller: “Yes, yes sir…  The Paris climate agreement.  While we respect what it exists for, it serves as a hindrance to the expedient development of our nation.”
Me: “I see.”
Caller: “But we also need the financial easement that the accord gives us, so we have to at least appear to be making strides in line with the agreement.”
Me: “Shit”
Caller: “God bless you, sir”
Me: “Thank you.  Well we also have a logistics problem here.”
Caller: “How so?”
Me: “I don’t think the TSA will allow me to just waltz through a checkpoint with a giant sack of anthracite.”
Caller: “Astute observation.”
Me: “Although…  I think I might be able to achieve a prior goal I had…”
Caller: “I’m sorry?”
Me: “What?  Nothing!”
Caller: “Well if transporting the bag is of issue, we can arrange a private plane to get you here and home.”
Me: “Wait, none of these billionaires thought of that shit before making me drive all over the eastern US?!”
Caller: “Excuse me?”
Me: “Thinking out loud, don’t worry.  I am with it.  Something tells me that I shouldn’t meet you with the bag at any of the three international airports around me.  How should we carry this?”
Caller: “Wonderful observation.  How close is your closest regional airport?”
Me: “Smith Reynolds in Winston and Alamance in Burlington.  Burlington doesn’t charge to land or take off, I am willing to bet that means they won’t ask many questions.”
Caller: “And you know how to get there?”
Me: “Drove right past the road it was on every day for 11 years before I robbed Santa Claus.”
Caller: “I’m sorry; did you say robbed Santa Claus?”
Me: “HAHAHAHA!!!  I’m joking with you.”
Caller: “Oh, I understand.”

[Phlip note: he did not understand]

Me: “Now I must warn you here, I have some scheduling requirements, they go a bit like thi--…”
Caller: “…  you cannot be away from your woman for more than four days at a time or she will murder your face, and you must be home by 1500 hours your local time on Sunday or you will murder my face.”
Me: “Nice.”
Caller: “We understand, fully.”
Me: “So when should I be at the airport.”
Caller: “We will have our plane there at 7:45am your time on Monday.”
Me: “Bet that, no problem.”

The saying goes that God only looks out for children and fools.  And considering how little of my own shit I am apparently remembering as I enter this situation and the fact that I am about to be 39 years old in about ten weeks, I am assuredly a fucking fool right now.

     You know how on South Park, Kyle and Stan ALWAYS tell Cartman what a bad idea whatever his current undertaking is about to be, but it completely falls on deaf ears and fails to stop him from going forward with it?
Well I am seeing entirely too much of a parallel between what I am doing and JUST that situation.  At particular issue here is that I am seeing too much money to want to turn back just yet, despite my KNOWING I should probably chill the fuck out.

     Hell with it, let me get to “retire comfortably” cash on hand I will relax, I promise.





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