True Story©... Monkey Shines (still)


Y’all remember my monkey, Ian?
[link]
What about now?

     Well anyway…  When we left you in the discussion of Ian, he was at once a purchase that seemed like a good idea in theory but wound up being GODawful in application and came dangerously close to ruining my life to boot.
Unable to recoup any of what he cost me, I angrily left him in the pet shop I got him from so he could AT LEAST be rehomed or some shit.
About 9 months after the fact, still randomly thinking back to and stewing on the moments I blew buying a fucking monkey as a pet and not a Cane Corso like I wanted, my phone rings…

Me: “Hello?”
Caller: “What up, though.”
Me: “Marlon, you ain’t from Detroit.”
Marlon: “How you know that?”
Me: “Because I have met your country-ass mama.  Y’all from south Virginia.  What’s the deal.”
Marlon: “Shit, chillin man.  What you got going on this weekend?”

The sound in his background was familiar, but there is always some random shit happening in his house, so whatever…

Me: “Racecar”
Marlon: “All weekend?”
Me: “From wakeup til I get tired and set fire to the sumbitch or finish, whichever happens first, why?”
Marlon: “I was thinking we could pitch in on a party.”
Me: “Hmm…  I’ll bring some wings and a 12 of brew.”
Marlon: “Bring regular beer, not that weird craft shit only you like.”
Me: “Eat a dick.”
Marlon: “What time you coming?”
Me: “I’on know, when I finish, wash my ass and take a nap?”
Marlon: “Aight”
Me: “Aight”
Marlon: “Out”

I swear, it feels like I am being set up for something.

     I spent the morning tinkering with the car, took a break to not be overdoing anything, revisited it for another couple of hours and took that shower and nap.  6pm, I left and grabbed some chicken wings from the Chinese takeout spot and a twelve of the finest craft beers I could locate (fuck you, Marlon!) and I was in the spot!

     Once in Marlon’s place, I saw Marls (of course), his two roommates, two more of the homies, eight women from around the city…




… and Ian.
What. The. FUCK. Marlon?!!?
Three of the girls were crowded around his cage all blubbering and shit about how cute he was and he, that little evil fucker, looked at me like he knew me well.
The party progresses on, a couple of the girls leave and everyone else kind of settles in cozy-like in the living room while I find a spot nearest the door to the patio.  I know how this story goes.

     As things tend to transpire when drink and reefers are traversing a room, inhibitions fell and people began to pair off.  I moved with the young lady who acted on her interest in me to that damn patio.  It was September, no worries about the cold or anything at night, she happily came with me.

Her: “We’re being anti, aren’t we?”
Me: “Nah, nah…  It’s just--…  haha, I think it is best we wait this one out.”
Her: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Whoa, wait!  Not that.  I mean inside, it’s about to--…”
Her: “About to what?”

Just as this awkward exchange is happening, the lights in the living room go off.  Six bodies proceed to three bedrooms.  One pair of bodies escape the front door, ostensibly to go to where there will be a bedroom, us on the patio still conversing and one pair still on the couch.

Me: “Oh, we gon’ see.”
Her: “Well now I’m curious.”

She put her hand on my knee and makes this coquettish face.

Me: “And I fully intend to let you in on the--…”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!!?” came from the living room before the girl comes barging out onto the patio with her shirt open and bra hanging loose.

Her: “Holy shit, what just happened?”
Me: “That ‘cute’ monkey was starved for attention.”
Her: “So?”
Me: “So he threw some shit…  Now he got his attention back.”

All she could do was laugh.  Her friend, though?  Not so enthused by the whole thing.  Since HER section of the party was now made untenable by a poo-flinging primate starved for attention, she made it her crusade to make sure that no one in the whole house was getting fucked either.  Quite loudly, at that.

Me: “Shall we go?”
Her: “I thought you’d never ask.”
Me: “Right this way!”

     Off to the blue coupe and back to my house, free of projectile dung, we went.
Sunday morning, I dropped my company off and on the way home, I receive a phone call…

Marlon: “That was low, man…”
Me: “What?”
Marlon: “So you ain’t warn nobody inside about that monkey?”
Me: “Why do you even HAVE him?”
Marlon: “Huh?”
Me: “I returned him to that shop in--…”
Marlon: “HICKORY!  Damn, I thought this was that lil n**ga!”
Me: “Ha!  That’s what you get!”
Marlon: “I had to!”
Me: “You what?”
Marlon: “So check it…”
Me: “Mmmhmm…”
Marlon: “I walks in the store and I see the little monkey in a cage on the left.  He looks at me like he know me or something.”
Me: “He kinda does know you.”
Marlon: “Well…  Anyway, he looks at me like he know me and makes this face, like this face dude.”
Me: “Like what?”
Marlon: “Like, like…  Sad, he made like a sad monkey face man.”
Me: “You’re a fucking idiot, man.”
Marlon: “Shut up.”
Me: “So now he is in your house, and--…”
Marlon: “Not yet.  I leave toward the exit and he starts whimpering and shit, so I asked the woman at the counter how much it cost to bring him home.  What he eats and all that kind of shit.”
Me: “And she told you he shouldn’t be sold.”
Marlon: “Yeah, so I just up an offer and--…  wait.”
Me: “You got hustled”
Marlon: “Fuck me.”
Me: “Not as long as that fucker is in your crib”
Marlon: “So what do I do?”
Me: “Did it occur to you why he tagged you specifically?”
Marlon: “Fuck, I’on know!”
Me: “Because he is a fiend and you’re his weed man.”
Marlon: “What?”
Me: “Y’all thought blowing them shotguns was funny as fuck the way he would bug out and just fall asleep after that.  Well you were being his pusher--…”
Marlon: “THAT’S IT!”
Me: “What?”
Marlon: “I can blow him a shotgun off a blunt when I wanna have company, then he will be mild enough for me to be able to--…”
Me: “Boy, you are the GOT damn devil.”
Marlon: “Fuck that, n**ga, you just wish you thought of it.”

     I shit you not, that damned monkey lived with Marlon for THREE MORE YEARS before he finally added up the cost of having to share weed with a monkey and decided that it would be a better idea to donate him to a zoo.
At least that is what he told me.  I think it was more about the fact that he was about to move back to Virginia and was tired of dealing with him.


     Anyway.  Ian is finally out of our collective lives and we are all free to make sex without fear of having poop thrown at us.
Or so we hope.
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